Reaching Out When They Have Pulled Away

A close FFW friend of mine, literally moments ago, posted that her FF's department had to respond to a suicide.  Never easy calls, for anyone involved, but it is part of the job, right?  

But this time, it was no ordinary call.  It was a fellow FF.  

Thanks to Paul Combs for keeping this in FD's minds.

And it was suicide. 

A firefighter suicide.

And that sent shivers through my spine.

Suicide in the fire service is very real and very scary and very much un-discussed in some departments, they just don't talk about it. Others are starting to sort out where to go from here and there are some that are truly working to make sure their FFs are okay - physically, mentally and emotionally.  I am truly a lucky FFW to be part of that last group.  MFD is aware of the issues, after suffering losses far too close to home, and is actively addressing them.  We, the spouses and family back at home, have to realize that our firefighters see things that we can only imagine. 

If there is not a support network in place, at home and at the firehouse, they can be consumed by the things that go bump in the night.  My FF is part of the team that goes to these FFs and reminds them that they are not heroes with bullet proof suits - immune to the tragedy of their vocation, they are people.  They have hearts that break and are not immune to the atrocities that are sadly a part of the job.

My FF, your FF, the Cub on their shift...they are all going to see things and work through things that are going to get to them.  And we need to know what we are looking for because that WALL of "Look at Me, I'm a hero, I GOT this", comes down at home, but maybe not at the firehouse...right away.

Please, please, please - know what is in place to support your FF. ASK.  MAKE your FF tell you what his department has in place.  If he won't tell you because he is trying to protect you, call his boss or call another wife in your department.  Be that annoying spouse.  Know who you can call and what they can do to help you and your family when your FF is struggling.  Know the number for your EAP.  Find out if your department has any mental health training in place.  Talk to wives - in your department or on-line.  


Things to look for, IE Red Flags:  (FIREFIGHTERS - I'm speaking to you, too!)

Depression - "The PERSISTENT feeling of sadness and loss of interest." ~Mayo Clinic.  Depression can be caused by any number of things.  End of a relationship, suspension, injury/illness,  death of someone close, family history, meds, etc.  This is a sensitive issue in our house and I am very aware of when my FF is going to go down.  Sometimes before he is.  

Red flags for depression include, but are not limited to:

• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping - either too much or too little.
• Lack of interest in enjoyable activities - used to ride his Harley and now, he won't go when the guys ask him to go for a ride or a rally.
• A feeling of worthlessness
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.
• An UNUSUAL amount of isolation at home, the firehouse, department events.  Some FFs are just introverts, so it is not unusual that they spend down time alone,  But usually they read or work on a project.  Now, instead they are sleeping - ALL THE TIME.
• An UNUSUAL sense of sadness or erratic behavior.

PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  The thing to realize about PTSD is that it may not show itself immediately after the trumatic event - it could be weeks or months or even years after the event.  And because of that delay, we may not connect the dots (they might not either for that matter).   Symptoms to look for:

• Restlessness - your FF's mind is ALWAYS going, ALWAYS racing
• Sleeplessness - do the nightmares keep your FF from taking the chance that will come?  If you don't sleep, the nightmares don't come.
• Then inability to relax and just enjoy life.
• Mental replays - either awake or in dreams - where your FF hears, sees, smells, feels or tastes the events of the that traumatic experience.
• Totally shutting down of emotions.  If you feel NOTHING, there's no pain.  But, there is also no joy or pride or love felt either. 

FIND a COUNSELOR.  Be sure that he/she is experienced and specifically trained in the specific needs and issues that come with PTSD.  Sadly, last winter, Tosa PD saw the first hand worst case scenario with PTSD.  We need to make sure we are especially aware of the signs and symptoms.

So...how do we prevent this from taking over.  Far too frequently, those concerned with our health and safety, put theirs on hold.  Because it is a sign of weakness, or it couldn't happen to them or...

It is, however, a very real and very serious problem within our fire departments.  

Suicide: To kill oneself.  

On the very surface level, it contradicts EVERYTHING that the Fire Service has come to represent: Courage, Honor, Integrity.  

We don't have complete statistics on the rates of suicide in the FD. Up until recent times, you just didn't talk about it.  And some suicides just might not be ruled a suicide.  It is hard to tell. Captain Jeff Dill of Palatine Rural Fire Protection District in Inverness, Illinois, who holds a Master’s degree and is a Licensed Counselor, has done an amazing job of reaching out and digging through reports throughout the decades to begin to compile this data, found on his website. 

Here's what is known about suicide in general.  70% are white males.  More importantly, 90% of ALL suicide victims had one of the following conditions: depression, substance abuse, schizophrenia-psychotic delusions, bi-polar or anxiety disorders, or Mood disorders.  

And there are some of those red flags you can look for if you are concerned that your FF's depression or PTSD has totally consumed them, including:

• appearing depressed or sad nearly all the times
• a withdrawl from friends or family that is out of character for your FF
• a sense of hopelessness/helplessness that seems to weigh on your firefighter's soul
• acting impulsively - giving away possessions - like all of them or the prized possessions - or going on a huge once in a life time trip
• feeling a sense of strong anger, on the verge of or crossing over into a sense of RAGE
• threatening to hurt or kill themselves

Please remember that the firehouse might be the last place these behaviors surface.  Often times they are trying to hold on to what ever piece or normal that they can, and firefighting is just that - what is normal to them.  And they will fight to keep that.  If they are note "okay" they might lose that.

So, what is out there?  My goal is by summer to have a list of resources available on here for all 50 states.  Please feel free to email me if you can help with your local support system.  I would so appreciate it. 

In the mean time, here is what I have:

Nationally - United States:

• www.firestrong.org - developed by Phoenix Fire department
• Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
• National Depression Screening Project - 1-800-520-6373
• Safe Call now - 206-459-3020
• United Health Care "Care 24" - This is open to all UHC members - 888-887-4114
• IAFF Wellness Fitness Initiative

Locally - Milwaukee

• MFD Peer Support email
• City of Milwaukee EAP (414)286-3145
• Milwaukee County Crisis Unit 414-257-7222
• National Mental Health of Wisconsin (Free online, anonymous screening)

I will post the link to my list as I get it together.  For now, here is a start.

Wives, listen to your gut.  You may have to share your FF with the FD, but you still know him as well if not better than anyone else.  If something seems off, go with that and let yourself be wrong, if you are.  Enlist other FFs.  Contact me if you feel overwhelmed with the national contacts and I WILL find something closer to home, if not in your home department.  Reach out to your Ladies Auxiliary, to the other wives in your house or on your shift, check out Wife Behind the Fire, there are women who live the same life that you do readily available, almost 24/7.  You will never be alone.

Firefighters, you know when some thing if off.  Reach out, to your peer support team, your captain, your wife, your crew, one of these crisis lines.  Reach out to SOMEONE.  It is better to swallow your pride and admit that something is wrong and that it is not okay, you don't HAVE to just rub a little dirt on it, than to have leave behind your wife, kids, parents, department...all asking, "What did I miss? Why didn't he SAY something?"  

You are truly never alone in this world.

Showers Make it All Better

I woke up from a dream this morning.  One that I am not willing to discuss with you or anyone else at this moment in time.  But, one that got me up far too early on this Sunday morning.

And the wheels started turning.  It was like a surreal picture show.  Churches and funeral homes. A dad taking off the hat of a student of mine who had been killed to show his son what he thought happen to him, and I thought I would vomit right there at the sight of his mangled head.  I was 22. And one of my favorite kids of all time, such an amazing story...and his sheer gratitude because we came to his mom's funeral...and my tears because his family was in Chicago and that was where he had to go.  And the twin that I was so furious they were skipping my summer school class in the park across from my classroom window...I told them I did not want one of them to end up dead...and then it happened 8 months later after a birthday party gone wrong. And the student, who posted "NOOOOOOOOO" on Facebook...and knew at that instant who and what, but not how.  Too this day, I have not forgiven myself.  I must have known/seen/felt SOMETHING  because I knew what that flat, textual message on social media meant.  He was in my US and AP Euro classes - the only two he went to all day.  The only two classes he went to before he went into hiding to say his final good-byes.  The kids who stole a phone from a fellow teacher of mine, a friend of mine...and I was so mad at them.  And then we got the news over the summer that we had lost one of them.  The guilt... 

They all went through my head.  With soooo many more.  They did not stop.  I started sobbing.

And now there is one more image that my head is creating.

I had muted them for the day.  My muppets needed me.  My FF was taking his afternoon off to help some fellow firefighters through the atrocities that come with the bunker gear and I couldn't burden him anymore.  So, we smiled and bonded as a family.  We walked through the mall after a lovely late lunch.  I took care of my Whovian and bought D some earrings for variety.  We finished up O's Mickey Mouse beanie baby collection.  Replaced the boys' iPod chargers.  Came home and giggled about the day, while drinking the Starbucks I made him stop and get 2 minutes from home.

I snuggled into his arms, with a polar bear in the bend of my knees.

Norman Rockwell would have been proud.

then... then I left my bed in the wee hours of the morning...

I needed to cry and I needed him not to hear.

My FFW next door had a night of deaths at work in one of our ICUs.  It had hit her pretty hard. I wasn't going to burden her.

Death is everywhere.  

I will talk to him more.  It is what we do.  But, he goes on shift in just a bit.  He doesn't need to worry while he is on shift.  There is enough there that needs his focus.

This is the reality of urban education that Khodavhandi and Cradler left out of my preparation for teaching.  This is the reality of being married to a firefighter that they were very clear about at the first orientation meeting before the academy.  This is life.  Death comes at the most inconvenient of times.  

And so there are showers. 

Showers wash away so much more than the grime of our daily lives...showers make it all better...or at least tolerable for the time being.  

Wounded Warriors

As a fire family, we know that danger looms ever third day.  From structure fires to HIV and meningitis exposures.  It is part of our lives.  Sometimes it is a perceived danger and sometimes it is real.  Police families face the same thing, just 8-12 hours at a time.  But what about our military families, especially when their loved ones are on active duty in a combat zone.  At that point it is very real and ALL the frickin' day long, every day.  Try not letting that consume you, as you wait at home knowing that the knock on the door could be coming at any time, not just every third day.  

And when they come home, we think they are safe.  We think they are back and life can continue on as it was meant to be.  Our country learned its lesson after Vietnam.  We welcome our soldiers back with respect and pride and joy and love.  They are no longer spit on and ignored.  But is it happily ever after?

Is that enough??

What about when our warriors come home?  We have tended to their bodies, made sure their wounds have healed and that they have the proper medical attention. But what about the soul? Have we taken the time to tend to the body, but the soul... What can we do?


With the acknowledgement of PTSD as a REAL phenomenon, we see a very different picture.  We have groups - civilian and otherwise, that know this needs to be addressed.  Wives have seen it first hand and Battling Bare is working to bring attention and healing to issue of military PTSD.  BB offers support and resources to those who see these invisible scars of war. The images are beautiful and telling. They know that the atrocities of war change a person in ways those of at home can only try to imagine.  Killing a child because otherwise they will kill you leaves scars deeper than any mortar wound.  Sometimes we see the damage as soon as our military come home and other times not until something breaks inside of them for good.  The Wounded Warrior Project learned from the past and has worked to help our military come home and adjust to civilian life.  Their work is amazing.

But is it enough?

Our military take so much time and so many resources to prepare our forces for the skills they will need to try and come home to the flags waving and welcome home signs.  But do they do enough to re acclimate them to society.  To deal with flashbacks...with the caution needed to survive there, but is more like paranoia here...with the nightmares that force them to relive some of the most destructive moments of their lives.  Are we doing as much as we can?  Are we doing enough?  What else can we do?

This holiday season our country was rocked by a series of events that rocked us to our very core.  Firefighters being shot at as they report to an active fire.  Sandy Hook.  But one was MUCH closer to home.  One of our suburbs lost one of their own - a police officer was shot and killed right outside of a firehouse.  On Christmas Eve.

My immediate thoughts were for the family.  That damn knock on the door - on Christmas Eve.  The department was tight lipped about things, we knew something was not quite right.

As we prayed for the family of Officer Jennifer Sebena, we found out that she was killed by her husband.  A decorated marine.

How does that happen?

His testimony tells us how that happens.  Faith, love, prayer...all necessary for the healing to begin, but is it enough? 

As I was planning this post out, I had an odd comparison in my mind.  We train our soldiers, our military to be the mighty warrior.  But do we also train them to be bunny rabbits.  After having several bunnies we learned that there sometimes you can't tell when they are sick.  As a prey species, their instincts don't allow them to show vulnerabilities until it is too late.  It is a survival strategy.  Perhaps, is that they same for our heroes?  Especially after active combat when the hunter has also become the prey.

Gary Porter - Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Please take a moment to say a prayer of healing.  For the family of  Officer Jennifer Sebena.  For the Wauwatosa Police Department.  For the family of her husband.  For our military - both at home and abroad.  And for her husband.  

I am, by no means, excusing this senseless act of violence, let me be clear on that.  BUT, he left us whole and came back broken.  Was enough done to help repair the damage?  There will always be scars - visible and unseen.  But we need to also tend to the gaping wounds, not just the ones that can be repaired with sutures. Was enough done for Benjamin Sebena?  I don't know what was done, but clearly he still wounds that need to be tended to.

If you love a soldier who has come home, but different, please know that there are resources to help you and your soldier.


advocacy@battlingbare.org
woundedwarriorproject.org
Fearless Nation - 1-800-273-8255

Number I actually keep in my phone...just in case.

And for all my fellow firewives, please know you are not alone.  Perhaps you don't have a firewife right next door, as I am so blessed to have, but we are here.  Feel free to email me at anytime.  

https://www.facebook.com/thefirefighterwife?fref=ts 

You are never alone, neither is your firefighter, police officer or soldier.

Hug your muppets, let them know they are loved.  Kiss your firefighters before you send them off for the day.  Make sure they know you will be waiting for them when they get home.  Ready to get through whatever may come.