The Ghosts of Daughters Past and Future

I feel like Scrooge.  I witnessed my past and my possible future all at once.  Our wonderful neighbors have had one of the worst couple of days and there has been nothing I could do, but offer support...and think.  


Their 20-something daughter is dating a less than ideal choice of man.  Anyone that tries to control their significant other in any way, but especially through violence, is not worth a second thought.  There was drama, loss, medical care requested and heartbreak.  Ultimately, the daughter choose the less than stand up guy over her family.  My heart just hurt.  Not only for their loss.  Also because I saw myself in another life, with a guy who tried to control my every move.  I saw the excuses made for the now scar in my hair line. I saw the arguments over this guy.  I saw the betrayal and pain.  I saw myself.   

And then I saw my girls and my heart 
just 
dropped.


I know I can't control my kids' choices, I can only help give them the tools needed to live their lives.  Ultimately, it is their lives with their decisions to make.  I can only keep the doors open and discussions at the time where there is a life lesson to be seen.  And pray.  


Pray that I have raised them right.  Pray that our relationship is strong enough that they will come to me with everything good and bad. Pray.

Pray that even when they are wearing their big girl shoes,  they will still know they can always come home with whatever it is.  Pray that I will have the wisdom to help that at whatever stage of life they find themselves. 

Tell Me Again...

that it has nothing to do with the BLUE shift!  UGH!!


Monday, Blue Shift.  10 hours after saying good-bye to my Willow, 3 1/2 hours after the boys wake up with  fevers, after a night of NO sleep...I back out of the parking spot next to the garage.  My FF has been taking my car, saves gas, when he goes to work.  I have been taking his disaster of a Durango.  Used to be my truck, now J drives it and it looks like a tornado touched down.  But, what is best, I take the truck.


So...back to the Blue Shift on Monday.  I back out of the parking slab and the truck dies.  Just dies. Blocking the whole freakin' alley.  Its a Blue Shift, my FF is leaving early, for some reason.  I run inside to see if I can grab him.  My sick, mourning kids tell me that he has already left.  I frantically call his phone, ready to beg him to come back.  He's still in front of the house, no begging needed.  Thank goodness.


So...he drives around the back, he gets the bright idea that we have to push it.  With no power steering, I work to get the wheels to turn and they reluctantly turn.  Come back to help push.  Unfortunately, we are going to hit the garage.  Plan B, my superhero FF is going to push while I fight with the steering wheel.  Plan C. Push the truck with my car.  My poor car.  Now needs touch up paint.  But, we got it out of the alley, around to the front and parked on the correct side of the street for parking restrictions.  Next night our amazing neighbor fixes it - distributor cap.  Yesterday, hubby drives it - no issues.  This AM, it reluctantly starts.  I mention it to my FF as he checks with me.  He kind of condescendingly tells me just to give it some gas as I start it. So, we get to school.  I try, unsuccessfully, to work at my desk, time to get the little stooges over to the other campus, running late, get everyone in their car seats.  No go.  Car won't turn over.  Sigh.


Luckily, the guidance counselor lent me her keys so I could take my kids to school.  Rush back for the Career Fair today.  Now, I just have to figure out how to get home.  We are a party of 5.  Most people I work with have mini-vans for a reason.  Others with cars, simply don't have room for 5.  Luckily, again, my good friend Linda came to the rescue and brought us home.


J tells me I will fuss no matter what shift it is. I say the Blue Shift is cursed.  I am so grateful to be moving into a house next to another fire family, who is on the GREEN Shift.  Someone who gets it will be a nice change of  pace.

It is done

Willow's on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge.  We drove out to our vet's house last night.  She is simply amazing.  Willow's hot spot, wasn't a hot spot.  She said it was probably that her hips were hurting so badly, that she was trying to get whatever was hurting, out.  She didn't fight, no struggle.  And my Willow girl is a fighter, truly a tough cookie.  But at 8pm last night, there was no fight left.  It was time.  Not that it makes it any easier for anyone.  

A last chance for a few quick pictures...

The kids had a hard time.  I had a hard time.  My FF had a hard time. 


Then, 2:30am, boys woke up with fevers.  When I went to move the truck, it died backing it out of the parking spot, luckily my hubby hadn't left yet.  He was in the car, but still here.  He pushed me out of the alley.  The Bear got out.  It just did not get any better.  Tears were flowing.  No one slept very well.  The boys said they felt fine, even though I was not so sure.  Just one of those days I guess.

We had a pancake breakfast.   Then I decided to make a trip to Build-A-Bear.  When we got there, no goldens, even though there was one on-line.  So, we opted for a Fennec Fox, looks like a golden whose ears decided to stick up.  We even found bandannas like Will's.  How perfect!  And it worked.  These little fleece packages of fuzz brought smiles through the tears and suddenly there were some snickers and laughter made its way back.  Kids are amazing!



It worked, they were excited.  And the healing began.  Life can continue now.

I told the kids that they were hurting so badly, simply because they loved so deeply.  Now, Willow is gone and she took part of their hearts with her to keep her company.  All the joy over the last 13 years, is worth the sorrow.  But it does not make it any easier.


Rest In Peace Princess Willow, your reign was amazing.  


January 24, 1999-April 1, 2012.  We will love you forever.

Strength

Not so sure I can do this.  I have Willow laying here next to me.  I am not ready to say good-bye.  The Tramadol has made her so much more comfortable.  I can make her comfortable, can I take more time?  Will there be a right time?



With the boys, there was no real option.  Riley's cancer made it so that he could not keep food down, I was not going to have a dog of mine living with an NG tube.  Curly was having uncontrollable seizures.  But with  Willow, we have to make a decision...and I don't want to.

 
At least I know she'll be in good paws when she crosses the Rainbow Bridge...take care of her boys. 

Lord, give me strength...