Saturday, November 5, 2011

Hey, Jealousy

Yup, I feel it rearing its ugly head.  J's year-on party is tonight. It is a glorious celebration.  The class of 07-26-10 has survived their Cub year.  And that was hard for J.  He is at a house of cave men.  Where most of the other Cubs were let off of some of their cubbie duties, the Cubs at 2s were not.  They were still doing housework all day, still banned from the TV, still expected to speak only when spoken to at dinner.  They were never released from that bondage the way their classmates were, unless they were at another house.  That was especially hard for my hubby.  He is older than his peers.  He is the proverbial nice guy, who took it personally when he was sworn at or called out on something silly.  And yet, he made it.  Now he can nap when he wants to, he does not have to clean 6 bathrooms by himself (joys of being at HQ), he does not have to miss Packer games because they fall on his shift.  He made it. He survived. It deserves to be recognized.  



J more than earned this year on party.  BUT, no spouses allowed.  It is their official welcoming into the "brotherhood."  Which I understand.  BUT, it is also the biggest gala night of the year for my school.  Our auction.  This auction brings in hundreds of thousands of dollars for our school. This auction allows us to keep tuition affordable.  I can't go.  All of my babysitters are going to be performing/serving/working at said auction.  Last year I went - with my dad - because it fell on a frickin' Blue shift.  This year, I just can't go.  No sitter, no date, no auction. It sucks. Once again, my life gets put on hold for the fire life.

But, I also survived this first year.  I moved my classroom, by myself.  I got all the kids to their new school, by myself.  I did Thanksgiving and BOTH days of Christmas, by myself. I survived hospitalizations of kids and packing up a house - by myself.  And yet there is no recognition or acknowledgement,  no celebration.  I don't need it, I guess. I just need a break.  My hubby was awesome and took the kids to his parents last week so I could grade papers.  That was a break, but really, grading papers is nothing fun.  It is work. 

It stings.  Once again, I am left behind.  I love my kids, but I would love a night to be a grown up.  I want to be part of this fire world.  J  was a Cub, he was kept at arm's length away.  J is not a party animal and is content to stay home and watch TV.  I am not, I need social interaction.  I have given most of that up.  And I am jealous that he has this night.  It sucks.  I am not proud and I have been trying to dismiss it from my head.  Luckily, I had the retreats to distract me, but now all I have is laundry.  J seems to get sick whenever I have something planned with other adults - it never fails.  Two weeks ago we were supposed to go  to Six Flags with another couple.  My dad was taking the kids.  I got free tickets.  I had it all worked out.  That morning, I knew it.  He woke up with whatever it was and it was gone the next day.  His graduation party - TWICE I cancelled it because he was sick.  Same thing with holidays, he is always sick or working.  Wish I knew what it was. I need people.  He doesn't and yet HE gets to go out, leave me with the kids and stay out late.  I am here - alone.  Tomorrow, he has to have a quiet house so he can study for a big exam on Monday.  So, I will be taking the kids to my dad's.  He also has a study group for said exam, which means yet again, I am get to do bath time and bed time alone. When he is on his 24/48s, it is okay.  As long as he is not silly and trading a ton of days and leaving me with 6 48s in one month, it is okay.   But this sucks.  I also know that it is made worse because of his paramedic classes.  Once again, he is a kid.  I need to make sure his laundry and homework are done and his lunch is packed.  But still - it sucks.

I am trying, I am trying...

I am just hoping he does not get sick for the Christmas Party.

4 comments:

  1. Yes, it does suck. And yes, it will pass. Here's hoping you get time with an adult or two, even just a little bit; enough to get you through.

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  2. Is this sick thing legit, or some sort of psychological thing you think?

    He should really be showing you some serious gratitude for all you've done and went through in support of him this past year.

    Granted, guys can be clueless about that sort of thing, so maybe you have to plan your own party or whatever, but he needs to take a Vitamin C and pull up his big boy panties and see to your needs, too.

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  3. I totally understand! It's hard not to get resentful sometimes but it seems like we always move past it somehow. I feel like that when I seem to always be doing bathtime and bedtime by myself. They never seem to have off a full 48 hours. Something work related always comes up.

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  4. Yes, it sucks.

    I wish I had more words of encouragement, but all I got right now is to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel.

    Oh, and ditto Melissa about the psychological thing re: his illness? I find that sometimes FireMan can somehow push his way thru work, but then falls apart sick when he gets home. I think it's kind of a mental thing about how they "need" him at his job, and they have us to take care of them at home (Which is so true, and they do NEED us), but at the same time, sometimes they forget how much we need them too.

    ReplyDelete

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