Processing

Friday, I spent the end of my second hour and all of my third hour class in the basement cafeteria of our school. I was there with the entire fourth floor. We had no idea, aside from rumors, as to what was going on. Because of the looks on the faces of staff, the kids knew this wasn't a drill. They were beautiful, in spite of the fear. I was so very proud of how they handled it. I was one of a handful of people that had any cell service in the depths of our centenarian fortress. So, I texted the FireMan to find out that he could. He gave me info about what was on the outside, but that TEMS had not been called in. Eventually, we got the all clear.

All of this came about from a threat on social media. Stupid teenage drama on social media.

From our freshmen.

It was a week of "She said that you said" on some bogus student created FB page. THOTs is an acronym I wish they would toss out of their minds. Focus own building themselves up as females, instead of tearing each other down for the attention of an adolescent male...seems to be insanity to this old mind of mine. But that was the root of the whole week's drama.

And from our babies.

Being a junior teacher, I am really out of the loop. BUT, I could feel it in the air. I had said something to admin the day before.

Anyway, Friday after our debriefing meeting I walked out with another teacher...just beaten down from the week. I am stretched so frickin' thin. I was/am so dang tired.  And I looked back at the building as we were being grumpy and miserable together and saw the evening sunset lighting up my building.  That moment reminded me that there was a reason I was doing all of this.

And I went home a smidge less grumpy.

There was our first fire waiting for me in the fireplace. Chili to warm my insides by that lovely fire. 

And the news was on.

And the blood.

And the fear.

And the panic.

Suddenly, I wasn't sure I could really keep going with this. I have not even shared this insecurity with my husband as of yet.  It just seems that it is everywhere. That it is surrounding me. 

But, in the vaults of my damaged brain, I am aware that these 129 lives lost cannot be in vain. That is must make our resolve stronger to make this world less broken...starting with me. Starting with my muppets. Starting with my kids at school.

I am aware of that.

But, am I strong enough to make that happen?? You know, while I am setting aside my curriculum to focus on literacy since our kids are going off to college unable write a coherent essay or read a college textbook. How can I address literacy and peace in society when neither are truly valued and both can be construed as signs of weakness?

I am still processing. I don't know where to start. I know that this is not about being married to a firefighter and I will get nastygrams pertaining to that. Instead of wasting your time and mine, move along. I am a firewife. This is who I am. This is my blog. From there very beginning I have fought with people to remind them that I am the sum of ALL my parts and I do not fit into any one pigeon hole. And, I am human - with all the human failings and glories. I am a teacher. I am lost on this journey right now. But, I have kids all around me that I need to help find their way on this journey. No time to be lost. Only time to find our way through this. Violence and hatred never end well.

Back to School CHAOS

So, I have spent so much of the last two weeks in my classroom.  I think what happens is I wake up, shove some cereal in my face and head to my classroom for 10 hours.  No joke, no exaggeration. (so much for those over paid teacher theories, huh?  My first paycheck is 3 weeks away!)  I have unpacked and purged junk left behind my "new" classroom and organized and decorated and ...oh muh gosh.  But, I will be thrilled to have it all done.

We go back to work officially on Tuesday.  I will not have to spend my in class time decorating, but instead, planning.  I have 3 new preps this year.  One that I have never taught before and has only been taught by one teacher in our district and the other two I have not taught in 4 or 5 years.  It will all be great, but it will be so nice to just focus on the academics of it all.

So, please forgive me if I seem to be neglecting my blog, but there is a definite juggling act, especially as J continues his 48s to pay back his trades from all my hospital stays.

In the meantime, here's a view from my workplace...


Story
I have 2 cabinets and a drawer that are locked, with no keys to be found anywhere.  So, we took the 100 year-old lock out of an open closet and took it to a master locksmith and he made a key for me. I got the cabinet open - full of CRAP - and found a place to store part of my bibliophile addiction units, now to get plexiglass for the lower part of the glass door.  There is also a mystery cabinet - they are in a few rooms and NO ONE knows what they are for.  I was so excited to find out...but sadly it was much like Al Capone's vault, only worse...it did not open.  Something was broken off in the lock over the years. <sigh>

This class is enormous compared to my tiny little science lab that forced my kids to play the role of sardines.  I started with 30 desks...and then we looked at my class list.  49

But, I thought 47 would suffice.  And my Bossman has assured me that I will be at least 10 down from that...hopefully.

Here was the first look at my new class...30 desks.

Here are alllllll the boxes, well some of the boxes and a CRAPload
of extra cabinets and furniture and a TV??
See ya..

I was bored during football and taking pictures...
truly what I do when bored.
My class is in the section that jets out
so far, hence the extra space. <3 <3

My epic poster!  I AM the Force, Unleashed!

First impressions are so important.  I start with my door... 

I got 47 desks, 2 teacher desks, a SmartBoard, some file cabinets and bookshelves...and I am almost there. The void in the corner of the chalkboards...waiting for maps to be moved from my science lab turned history class to fill it.

So, I guess, I'll finish up later this week...and give you a better tour.  But, this explains my absence.

Now...send your good juju my way...I am back to work on Tuesday.  My FF has a 48 starting tomorrow...after which he heads to the track and back to work the following day.  Meanwhile I have a 3 night conference and 3 days of beginning of the year PD/Staff Meetings/ I have soooooo much to get done...all while trying to get all the muppets where they need to good.  Wish me luck.

Happy Sunday.  Hug that FF...kiss your muppets as they head off to school...and send in sanity keepers.  C/O TOO Hot to Handle Insanity Week!

Peace...

Saturdays

I used to think that Saturdays were for the fun things in life. Turns out, it is actually for the stuff you can't squish into the M-F game.  

So, how have I been spending my Saturdays?  Cramming more stuff in.  Getting more kids through their requirements. Bonding with teachers and family and polar bears and life in general.  It is insane and I am most certain that I will crash soon.  However, the beauty and laughter that I am surrounding myself with at every turn.  The kids that will pass my class and get that all empowering diploma make it that amazing. I wouldn't do things any different.  The disappointment in one of my high schoolers eyes when I said I would NOT be here next Saturday because I had to tend to my oldest daughter's American Girl dreams, was actually quite powerful. It made me feel like all this insanity is worth it.

One more hour and then we have my mother-in-law's birthday party up north, some cleaning to do for D's birthday party tomorrow and a WHOLE lot of work for me to do for school!  I'll get there.

Enjoy your weekend.  Love on those firemen!  Snuggle with the muppets.  Take a moment to look for the beauty that surrounds you.  You might be amazed at what you see.

A Day of Backhanded Compliments

Sometimes, in my world, there are days where I struggle to figure out why I am still in education.  I am working to bring the subtle nuances of the 95 Theses to life.  The fact that Luther was trying to reach out and make his Church a better place and instead he found himself a  heretic and an outlaw (and a jerkface), surrounded by princes ready to throw off the suppression of the Church that apparently surrounded them.  My kids can't read at a level to understand this information, much less pick up those subtleties, so I must bring it to life through the shenanigans of my direct instruction. From there, they can build upon it for the project for that unit.  I am focusing on the past and trying to bring the world of the written word to their present.  And some days I realize that there is so much more than writing a proper essay, learning to annotate the articles that I am giving them each class to allow them to practice this reading thing.  Some days, I realize that I have to change my expectations for success.  

And today, I think I saw that success.  I think I saw the reasons why I am still here.  

It was a day of very back handed compliments.  In this day and age of John Q. Public telling me that I am lazy because I only work 10 months out of the year or until 3:45pm...nevermind that I left closer to 6pm as did many of my coworkers (but that is a detail that the Publics seem to miss out on). 

Anyway,  the first in this list of weird praise, was from a student known as Chicken. 

I have never heard of him, noticed him or truly realized how funny my kids are about their "government names".  And there he was. All of the sudden he was in my room...my class o' repeater freshmen in my sophomore history class.  Chicken was in shock that my class was so quiet AND full of kids.  He walked, spilled some surprised terms of shock because my kids were in my class and working into out sanctuary of learning.  "You must be da best teacher in dis building.  I ain't never seen such a good class in this whole ____building.  You da bomb diggity b---- of all dese teachers. Carry on." And just like that this phantom student was gone.  I have no idea who he is. He prompted quite a bit of conversation after he left and back we went to the burning of Wycliffe and the Council of Constance.  

Makes for a good story.

A boy in that same class came to me in tears- while I am trying to make it through this lesson.  He probably won't be back.  His PO was upset with him, and like usual in these discussions, he had no idea why.  His original arrest was nothing to be sneezed at, strong armed robbery.  But here, in front of me was the kid, no longer a hard nose thug wanna be, scared to death, coming to me.  That goes beyond my academics and brings me into their world.  We'll see if he is there tomorrow. This is the world they live in. I need to remember that.

However, the best conversation of that class did not involve Chicken or his government name or a kid's need for support while he was scared to death. It was from one of the few non-repeaters in that class,  who has decided that I am now her mom.  Clearly, I have four kids, I truly have no need for more.  But, when a student looks at you and informs you that you handle things like a TV mom...and by the way, is it okay if one more kid calls me mom...it makes your heart melt.  Take that Phylicia Rashad!  I am the real TV mom here.

Norman Rockwell has nothing on my classroom.

From there you get to lunch, working with one of my moms-to-be.  Collaborative Planning where you never know what might happen when you have a group of social studies teachers together and finally, you arrive at my Psych class.  We are just talking about the brain.  Not necessarily the most exciting.  But, you have to make it happen, you make it creative.  You should see me - my song and dance.  Out of now where, one of my sleepy heads was wide awake and involved.  Weird! There are med issues that make it impossible for him to stay awake through the last class of the day.  Today, there he was.  It made my day.  

I think we were talking about epinephrine and nor epinephrine and how they differ...he raised his hand.  "H____, do you practice this stuff at home?"  I looked and him and snickered a bit under my breath (Shah, with all that laundry sitting in my living room...clearly I have enough time to rehearse), before I asked what in the world he was referring to.  "You are a fun teacher to listen to. I thought that teachers like that were only in the movies."  It made us all enjoy the afternoon.  Bad Teacher (which I have yet to see) references were flung around, thanks to my husband's last name and jokes went from there. I am a clown.  I put on a show,  and apparently it is worth it.

My afternoon was wrapped up with my boys at Chess practice, my girls watching Frozen on my whiteboard, while my hubby and I quietly discussed where to send our oldest next year...with more of my kids working on their tests.  And the conversations in that room, reminded me that I am so much more than a teacher.

Today reminded me that we are here for than Common Core and improved MAP scores and increased attendance and decreased tardies.  

We are here to be the bringers of change - even when people are shocked.  We are here to be confidants for kids who feel they have no one to turn to...no one who will judge them and just BE there, even when everyone else is judging them.  We are here to be parents, even when the kids have some at home - or don't.  We are here to be entertainers, some of them will never see live vaudevillian type action. 

We are so much more than what the world realizes.  I need to embrace that.  We as educators, especially urban educators, need to embrace that.  You as the community need to embrace that as well.  It takes a village to raise a child, sometimes we just wear 15 hats at once.  And that is what you do.  

We are more than those test scores.  We are more than the data shows.  If we were teaching robots, that would be different.  We are teaching kids - and we start where they are and we build up from there.  Judge us, blame us for what you will.  However, might I suggest you walk a mile in our shoes.  Volunteer in your local high school.  Get to know us as teachers.  Get to know our kids.  They are broken and bruised.  They are also beautiful and inspiring.  We cannot control where they have been, only take them by the hand a lead them from there.

Please realize we come in early and we stay late. We work through lunch and on our time after school and after we put our muppets to bed.

I will take these backhanded compliments that I got today.  It helps to get through the days where nothing goes right and no one can see that you are busting your arse to make the world better simply because you are in it.

Enjoy your Friday.  Check on those FFs.  Be comfortable with where you fit in this puzzle we call life.  Someone will always think they fit better in your spot, but know that no one can take that from you. 

Teaching

I love my job.  I love my school.  I think I have FINALLY landed where I am supposed to be.  But, after a while, the outside world gets to creeping in.

Teachers these days.

And then it gets to you.

Today is Friday.  Tomorrow is shift day/spend the whole morning in your classroom pretending you can get work done while the kids are there for three sets of swimming lessons day.  Sunday means that Monday comes and the insanity is back.

Maybe I just need sleep and a less hectic schedule.

BUT, today we are introducing a HUGE service project to my kids.  UWM and several community organizations are joining us.  Once that gets started, I am CERTAIN I will be back up on  top of the world.

Maybe I shoulda stopped at Starbucks on the way in...

Beg, Borrow and Steal

Maybe STEAL is a bit dramatic, but teachers are in a desperate place these days.  Budgets are cut, class sizes are increased and the public demands that we finds ways to do more with less.  Some days it seems like we are climbing an impossible mountain.  Other days, the kids are amazing and breathe new life into us to keep fighting for them.  This semester has done just that.  My kids have stopped fighting the structure that comes with my teaching style and begun to protest if we deviate too much from what they have come to expect.  Truly, both a blessing and a curse.  Work is coming and THOUGHT is being put into it.  We are having discussions and debates and moving beyond pure regurgitation.  HIGHER LEVEL OF THINKING!!  OMG - total teacher nirvana to see the growth.  

NOW, please don't think that I have found the secret to urban education and that we that all is sunshine and roses...not the case.  BUT, compared to the beginning of the year, night and day is  the difference here, for sure.

This rejuvenation has caused me to take a look at some of the projects that I left simmering on the back of the stove.  Luckily, I was not gone TOO long and had everything boil over, but there is a time crunch here, for sure.  

Last fall, I wrote about an amazing website that links teachers in need and donors - around the world - DonorsChoose.org. They are amazing!  Through the love and generosity of my friends and family, near and far, I was able to get 2 FULL CLASS sets of graphic novels to use with our Holocaust Unit.  Through that project, Drawn and Quarterly also donated a class set of books - amazingly without question!  And I was moved, literally to the point of tears.  

My real live VHS collection.

My last project was an attempt to update my DVD library.  Much of what I have is still on VHS.  Sad, I know, BUT there is still a VCR in my classroom - that is hooked up to my cyclops, so beggars can't choosers. If I cannot find it on YouTube, NetFlix or some other on-line source...or if the server goes down and we cannot access the interweb like Friday it becomes an issue.  (knock on as much as possible if you read that)  It is nice to have a hard copy to rely on.  So, I put together a third project for Donors Choose...and then life happened and I forgot.

Until I started looking for ideas...and an email came saying that AT&T had generously offered to adopt my program and pay for HALF of my project!  How AWESOME is that THAT!  Thanks AT&T!!!!!  

Now, I have FOUR DAYS left to find the remaining $127!  Many of you have given generously and I am eternally grateful!  I really, truly am!  Please don't feel guilted to donate again, that is not my point.  HOWEVER, if you could share this site, my DonorsChoose.org page on social media, I will be oh so thankful!  Even a dollar or two can make this happen! 

Thank you in advance.  SHARE AWAY, MY FRIENDS!!!

An AMAZING FireWife took care of this, less than 30 minutes after I posted it!  NEVER doubt the power of Fire Wives!  Thank you, my friend!!  <3 <3 

Midnight Musings of a Fire Wife on Shift Night

I am sitting in the dark, alone in tears.  I was playing a mindless game of matching veggies and trying not to think, but it is not working.  And so, I write...

Urban education is the most rewarding occupation I can imagine.  I got a pair of mittens today from one of my success stories. I posted something on Facebook regarding the fact that I was on the hunt for mittens so late in the season because my Raynaud's was so bad I could not hold a glass with one hand - I did not have enough fingers with proper blood flow on one hand.  I needed two.  To hold a glass.

So, today at work, there was a package from her in my mailbox, and in that unexpected package was a pair of mittens and a note that had me in tears.   Just the most simple of notes.  But, it was a reminder of WHY I am doing this and driving myself insane.

This same morning, a kindergartner died in a fatal accident crossing the street.  He was a kindergartner at one of the K8s I taught at.  My heart mourns with them, and I have never met him.  To my friends and colleagues, I am so sorry.   Talking to my FF about it.  Talking to the FFW next door, whose FF went through THAT intersection moments before the crash.  I know it is part of their world.  I. Just. Hate. Death.

And then you find out that you have lost one of yours.  All in the same day.  

He was 25 by now.  Not the same as losing a baby like my coworkers did, but no less heart wrenching when he was one of your own.  And the family has already gone through so much.  And then suicide, no less.  

I tried talking to my FF about it.  And he was almost indifferent. I suppose that comes with the territory.

But I AM NOT A FIREFIGHTER.  I am a teacher.  And with that title comes the title of Mom, nurse, counselor, confidant, mentor, tutor...they are a part of MY WORLD.  I have buried 18 kids and have not lost one since 2009 that I know of...but I was not ready for number 19.

I am a fixer by nature.  What can I do?  How can I help?  What do you need?  That is how I am wired.

I CAN'T FIX DEATH!  And it frustrates me to no end.

And, so I sit in the dark, in tears.  Wiping my eyes and nose on his academy sweatshirt.  Listening to B talk in his sleep in the living room.  He will be up walking soon, I can tell.  I just placed a series of obstacles to keep him inside in case I doze and don't hear him.  I am trying to process and compartmentalize.  Put everything in the proper box.  After all, I have to get to my committee meeting in the morning and make the Crusades exciting.  And I am SUCKING at it royally. NOTHING IS FITTING IN ITS BOX!

My nose is as raw as my heart. And I am sleeping with those mittens and no one gets to judge.

It is Like the Twelve Days of Christmas Here!

I am having such a great day!  I love talking about what really happened with the Spartan 300, my FF will be home from his 48 when I get home, fall is firmly upon us and I could smell it in the air as I left for school this morning.  

AND then, our head engineer brought me up two heavy boxes!  I knew instantly what they were and was like a kid on Christmas morning.  You know... when you know what it is the instant you take the paper off the gift.  I could not contain myself.  And clearly it was contagious.  My kids could not keep their hands off the books as I unpacked and unwrapped it.

Drawn and Quarterly graciously donated a class set of We Are On Our Own, a memoir by Miriam Katin. It is a story of survival during and after the Nazi occupation of Budapest, that so many of my kids can relate to.  The images are beautiful.  The history is raw and heart-wrenching.  The internal battle is so real in the images, that I am absolutely amazed by how Ms. Katin could capture the emotion and struggle.  The world collapsing around her shook her to her core and it took a lifetime to begin to come to grips with the scenes that played through her childhood memories.

Unfortunately, it is a world my kids can relate to, even though they may not see it.  The living conditions and the prejudice they face, may not be the same, but the emotions and the uncertainty are definitely something many of my kids can relate to. 

My hard core thugs were reading through the beautifully illustrated graphic novel - before I could even get them out of the box.  The artwork truly spoke to them. I am hopeful that it will lead them not only understand the environment of Europe during and after World War II, but also to understand that it is our collective responsibility to speak for those without a voice (not unlike the message of the parable of widow and the judge this Sunday that my muppets latched on to) and be sure to speak out for them.

I am excited to get my kids not only reading this novel, but also tapping into their dormant analytical skills! I will be sure to fill you on how my inspiration comes to light.  I am so excited to get to these graphic novels, that I am ready to skip the rest of the ancient world and middle ages and make my way to the modern era!  <sigh>  I will be patient

Be sure to check out Drawn and Quarterly for your reading pleasure.  If you have a reluctant reader, perhaps graphic novels are the way to go.  Reading is reading.  The rest will come, but you have to get the kids to buy into it someone.  Speak to them in their own language - art.

To Peggy at Drawn and Quarterly, your generosity will not soon be forgotten.  The impact your donation makes will have such an amazing ripple effect!  Kudos and gratitude to you and your company.

Peace and gratitude from here to you.