Knitting to Untangle the Snags in Life

This has been an exhausting winter break. 48s sandwiching the round robin of Christmas Eve Day, with a mandate thrown in on our shopping day. Sick little muppets and pup with Downs coming to join our pack - and all the preparation that comes with that! Cleaning rooms and baking cookies. Controversial decisions leading to my FF turning in his bunkers for bullet proof.

I needed something mindless. Reading can only happen when the muppets are asleep or not in the house. (That is a new thing since my hormone depletion.) Paperwork - yeah, I need to get to that, but have that scheduled for later in the week.  I needed something to do that allows me to unplug and disconnect, but still be around the muppets. 

O's current location as I type.

So, yesterday I ran to the craft store and grabbed some #9 knitting needs and some yarn and was all set to sit down with YouTube. Like a good member of the 21st century, I announced it on FB and one of my amazing friends from work invited the girls and me over for a lesson.  I think I was more polite than her usual EBD crew, but probably significantly more clueless. It was a nice break in this 2nd 48. Until O started complaining of a headache....and was hot to the touch. Never good.  So we rushed home.

And then I goofed up and started over.

I can cast on like nobody's business. Throw in that 2nd needle and it is like I have never used my hands a day in my life...and I end up pulling it all off. Hence the proficient level of casting on. 

My FF kinda snickered and asked what brought this on. Once we chatted he agreed.

I will never be my grandmother. I can see/hear her sitting at the kitchen table knitting away like it was nobody's business, while carrying on a conversation, making dinner and watching a Shirley Temple movie.  That will never be me. My damaged brain has stolen much of my fine motor skills from me, the beautiful baby blankets will never be coming from me. I will be more of a scarf and washcloth kinda gal...and I am okay with that.

I just want something to distract my mind. Distract my mind so I don't hear the buzz of social media causing concern or the cliche Dog with a Blog story lines. But, at the same time, I can look up and enjoy the giggles of my muppets. 

So, we'll see how this goes.

Being a FireWife is So Not Epic

Epic

It is the word of the month in our house.  Things are either Epic or SO Not Epic.  There is no grey area.  There is no middle of the road.

And I feel that.

I am either Epic or SO Not Epic.

This month my FF has been gone more than he has been home.  There have been paybacks and days at the track and Hey, Could ya take this day for me 48s ALLLLLLL over the place.  

And I have been left to hold the fort down...while spending days in my classroom and nights learning how to breathe and handle these times. <sigh> 

I get something done and it seems so amazing and at that moment, I am Epic.  Whether it is in my classroom or with the kids or whatever.

Or, I feel like a complete failure.  We have not eaten as a family in forever.  I have been away from my kids more than I would like.  And when I have been home I have had SO much work to do, that I have been working while sitting in the same room or on the patio.  But not playing with them.

Or when my FF comes home after a 48 and a day at the track and fusses that house is messy.  

Or when my oldest has to ride his bike to and from football practice all week.

Or...

It seems like I am SO Not Epic more often than not.

And it SO sucks.

I would like much more boring events.  You know, just sitting around doing nothing. Just...being. 

I will get over this, I always do.  But, someone might want to tell the FireMan that the week of back to work for the FireMan when he has been gone more than he has been home MIGHT not be the best time to say, "Hey, what do ya think about me joining the IRL Safety Team?" if he has any hope for a supportive answer.  Someone MIGHT want to clue him in on timing.  Right now, I don't want to think about weeks of training in Indianapolis or the 4 race commitment (roughly 6 days per race) per season or the two 48s that would come from nearly every race. (That makes a minimum of eight extra 48s - not including his days at the Mile.)  Right now, I'd like to hold on to the last smidge of sanity that I seem to possess...while I prepare a binder for my SURPRISE Field Student who might be a Student Teacher, but is not sure...

Sigh...and two family gatherings this week.  

Custard will make it all better, right?  I am going to need a TON of Custard. 

Custard will make me Epic.  I know it will.

Won't it?

48s Then and Now

At one point he was gone soo much,
they wanted to make him a welcome home sign!

My first 48 nearly killed me.  And for the next year or two they were a point of contention.  The kids were miserable, I was not confident enough in myself too handle everything by myself. And everything that could go wrong, did. And...I guess...it was just not what I had envisioned.  It was not what I had prepared myself for.

Now, totally different story.  Things will still go wrong, because it is a 48.  And I do find myself with a grumpy instant response when he asks about a 48,  even though there is no need for that.

But, I enjoy the time without him.  I am not sure if that is bad, but I enjoy my time and not feeling guilty about watching what I want or working on this blog or watching Doctor Who with the muppets.  I enjoy not having to be quiet when I wake up.  I have even learned to enjoy having the whole bed to myself.  

I was making the bed...emphasis on was...

If you would have asked me about that four years ago, I would have laughed...and then cried.  I would have gone into my room and cried because I felt like such a failure.  Like I had let the universe down because I was not adjusting to this new life with a seamless transition.  Instead, it is more like a learning experience.  I learned what I could handle - which is more than I thought possible.  I learned that I can say no, and if the world doesn't like it, they can either accept it or take the next exit.  I am still working on implementing this, but I am better at it than I was.  I learned that I can enjoy the candles in my bedroom and the calm that they bring, with my Nook and a drink, even when he is gone.  And that it is okay.  I have learned that laundry can wait until he is home to help and I can teach my girls how to through a football and baseball and skateboard, without feeling like I am stepping on his territory.  I have learned to embrace these 48s.  This is my time to be me. To me mom.  To enjoy the perks of being a firewife.

I did not marry and firefighter.  Many local firewives giggle at this blog and my FD t-shirts that I have accumulated through photography and social media...and firewife friendships.  But all of this has helped me to reach this place of contentment.  I have accepted that I may just be an introverted extrovert...that needs this time alone.  And that is okay.

Tomorrow he comes home from his 48.  Last night he was on the box and ran all day and all night.  Tonight he is actually at the engine he is assigned to, weird, really. My girls are at my in-laws and boys and I are bonding.  Life is good.

A Return to Normal

We are hanging out and enjoying the peace...and Daddy is not here.  And it is so nice.

Not that my FF is not here, I will be missing him later, make no bones about it.  But it is reassuring that we are back to normal.  

from the Bay View Compass.

My  FF is back on shift.  He made a last minute trade to be able to go to the lake with us yesterday.  A FF he worked with at the academy this summer has a cottage on one of the smaller lakes just west of here. And he invited the FFs working at the academy out to join him for the day.  There was an adorable labradoodle named Yankee who kept the muppets entertained.  (And made me realize how much I miss my tennis ball chasing goldens.) Seaweed was grossing out my city girls.  Floaties taking the kids out to the diving raft. Wondering if the Pedal Boat my boys were pedaling around the lake would actually make it back to shore, Laughing at the stories of the FFs who have a lot more years on than mine, that really cannot be shared here.  It was such an amazing afternoon.  Just to be around people who get this life and to laugh. Daddy took the lead with the kids, he played with all the little girls, taking them out on the pedal boat. Before we left, my fireman got the news that he has been dying for all summer.  He was being nominated for a Garden District Award.  I'll fill you in on that later.  Quite the soap opera.  None-the less, life was perfect.  It was so enjoyable, that I forgot to take pictures.  My camera sat idle.  I take pictures of the most mundane things and I was too busy chit chatting to capture these moments of my kids' lives for all eternity.  Ah well.  I am sure they'll forgive me. 

On our way home, with 3 1/2 kids sleeping in the back from all the fresh air, we had to stop at two firehouses.  One to deliver a pair of forgotten sunglasses from the lake, hopefully he gets them tomorrow.  And his regular house to pick up his non-disgustingly smelly, from gross training hay fires, bunkers. Which meant he was going to be back in his element today.  

And the world will be righted.

Just like all good fire families, we are going to carry on without him. 

Our State Fair is a GREAT State Fair.  Don't miss it, don't even be late...

We are off to the fair without Daddy.

Life is back to normal.  We will head off after lunch, meet grandpa there after he is done refereeing his tournament.  Eat fried food we would never consider outside the confines of the Fair Grounds.

And all is right with our abnormal normalcy.

My FF is away from the craziness of the muppet show we are running here, we are working our way back without him and life is good.  Hug those firefighters as they come off shift, do something fun with the kids today, even if it is just the Hokey Pokey in the back yard, and enjoy life!  Happy Sunday!