Long Time, No See

I bet you think I forgot about you.

I bet you think that I didn't need you anymore. I told you I was too busy for you right now.

I forgot my password. 

I know. I am so very sorry.

Neglectful.

I bet you don't even remember me.

Funny how “Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.” (Shakespeare)

And back I am.

I am writing a terribly difficult blog post in my head. I need to get it out of my head. It won't leave me alone.  I need to get it out.

Just like I needed this blog to figure out how to be married to a firefighter, after marrying a fourth grade teacher. (Okay. SO not true. I married a student teacher.)  Apparently, I need you again to process.  Sorry that I only use when I need you. I am so very sorry, truly.

I need to get it out of my head.

He is now at the academy, and that is a blog post in and of itself.  Funny how you leave education, or you think you do. More like the Hotel California, you can never leave.  It will find you. He is now a Lieutenant. My oldest is now a senior and my youngest is a budding artist that will most assuredly never leave the house.  I started a photography business. I built a TARDIS (don't judge). Time has flown.

And yet, I need you,

Today, now that he has had that horrible flip-phone with a 90s ring, he is jumping out of bed to head to a three alarm.  Volley wives. You are rock stars. After that he will be the Med at the Mile.  But the kids and I.  We are cleaning up the house and heading off to the Pumpkin Farm.

I need to get this blog post out of my head.

But first I need some sunshine and rainbows.  First, I need to front-load the world with hope and silliness. First, I need my kids.

Then we'll begin the tough dialogue.  Then we'll begin to process.

I need happiness before I process.

No one gets to judge.

I need to remind myself that it will be okay.  That I will be okay. That we will be okay.

But I need to get that damn post out of my head. It is loud. It is distracting. It needs to go SOMEWHERE else. Any where else.  But first I need my family.

All a Matter of...

Perspective...

Time...

Motivation...

We always place things into a box that makes whatever it is feel like everything will be okay. We remind ourselves that there is always someone else who is worse off than we are. We remind ourselves that there are families that would love to have the ability to struggle with their kids over getting their rooms clean. We consider the fact that there are people literally starving, while we are complaining that there is "nothing" in the house.

I find myself doing a lot of that lately. Mostly for good cause. I need to remind myself of how good I actually have it. I need to remind myself that work is what makes it amazing. I will be missing the chaos of 4 kids going in 4 different directions sooner than I think. A year ago, I wasn't sure I would be around to complain about everything.

And I remind myself of that, daily. Sometimes hourly. 

I am still here. Exhausted. Frustrated. Loved. Here.

But I also remind myself that it is okay to be human. I don't always have to wear my Superwoman UnderRoos. Especially at work,  I really need to learn that it is okay to ask people to help you carry the load. I need to remember that I don't need to make change happen all by myself. There are a ton of people who can help make that happen. I don't have to save the world single-handedly. There are a ton of super heroes just waiting for me not to be a control freak. If I fail, I just head back to the drawing board to analyze what worked and what didn't. And from there, you build your next game plan. From there, you come back stronger.

I failed this weekend. My on-line format for my classes was going through a major update and I could not get it to play nicely until Monday morning - 2nd hour. I did not get any of the grading done that I wanted to. As a teacher I failed. I didn't understand that their update meant such a headache for me. I figured two hours of no access, in the dark of night and then all would be well with the morning light. I know better than that. It was so not the case and I failed. And yet, my classroom is still standing and my kids were still goofy. Life went on, even with my imperfection. AMAZING.

There were two TVs because we can't find the
base for the one on the stand. Sigh.
It is in a box.

But, I did get the common areas of the house unpacked and my walls are no longer bare. My lovely FF is currently working on my office (He is that amazing) AND we all got the Halloween decorations up, The kids had so much fun with that. We are taking this big (to us) house and trying turn it into our home. And that is all that matters. 

We got the curtains hung this weekend because I felt like singing
"I'll Be Watching You" in a minor key every time I walked
past the window during the dark of night.

The meetings that seem to control my day, will still be there. But my kids will not. They will move on to their lives, separate from our home. 

Home. Hopefully they will always see this house as home. Hopefully the teenagers will keep wanting to hang out here. Hopefully this will be filled with the chaos of toddlers again, someday. Home is where the heart is. Boxes and meetings, they are part of life. They keep the lights on and the comforts going. Those are just the details.  The big picture includes Ghosts in the Graveyard and giggles at the table. The big picture is what we make it and what we remember.

It is all a matter of making it memorable.  They won't remember the boxes that seemed to stay piled up forever, they will remember the movies and the giggles and the running around. Memories.

Memories make the home, not the zip code.

48s Then and Now

At one point he was gone soo much,
they wanted to make him a welcome home sign!

My first 48 nearly killed me.  And for the next year or two they were a point of contention.  The kids were miserable, I was not confident enough in myself too handle everything by myself. And everything that could go wrong, did. And...I guess...it was just not what I had envisioned.  It was not what I had prepared myself for.

Now, totally different story.  Things will still go wrong, because it is a 48.  And I do find myself with a grumpy instant response when he asks about a 48,  even though there is no need for that.

But, I enjoy the time without him.  I am not sure if that is bad, but I enjoy my time and not feeling guilty about watching what I want or working on this blog or watching Doctor Who with the muppets.  I enjoy not having to be quiet when I wake up.  I have even learned to enjoy having the whole bed to myself.  

I was making the bed...emphasis on was...

If you would have asked me about that four years ago, I would have laughed...and then cried.  I would have gone into my room and cried because I felt like such a failure.  Like I had let the universe down because I was not adjusting to this new life with a seamless transition.  Instead, it is more like a learning experience.  I learned what I could handle - which is more than I thought possible.  I learned that I can say no, and if the world doesn't like it, they can either accept it or take the next exit.  I am still working on implementing this, but I am better at it than I was.  I learned that I can enjoy the candles in my bedroom and the calm that they bring, with my Nook and a drink, even when he is gone.  And that it is okay.  I have learned that laundry can wait until he is home to help and I can teach my girls how to through a football and baseball and skateboard, without feeling like I am stepping on his territory.  I have learned to embrace these 48s.  This is my time to be me. To me mom.  To enjoy the perks of being a firewife.

I did not marry and firefighter.  Many local firewives giggle at this blog and my FD t-shirts that I have accumulated through photography and social media...and firewife friendships.  But all of this has helped me to reach this place of contentment.  I have accepted that I may just be an introverted extrovert...that needs this time alone.  And that is okay.

Tomorrow he comes home from his 48.  Last night he was on the box and ran all day and all night.  Tonight he is actually at the engine he is assigned to, weird, really. My girls are at my in-laws and boys and I are bonding.  Life is good.

Happy, Happy, Happy

Okay, I know I got that song stuck in your head.  We all loved it when it first came on the air, but now, through overplay and attaching it to ABC GMA commericals, we are I am most certainly done with it.

But, maybe I should not be.  Maybe instead of singing Let It Go and Do You Wanna Build a Snowman in various adaptations, I should walk around singing Happy.  Since Mother's Day I have been on a bit of a high.  And it is all about just embracing the little things. It is accepting your failures and building from there.  It is using each day as a lesson for the next.  Cheesy, but really where I am.

I am looking at what to do with my Fridays in school next year.  We are continuing with the Service Learning, but I would like to build in a character building aspect.  My kids really need training in how to be polite and respectful and handle themselves among themselves.  I was looking for, what I called, "How to Not Be a Jerkface All the Time" training programs and I found 8 Keys to Excellence and I like what they are putting out there.

One of the key (pun totally intended) tenets to this program is 

and I totally love it.  

Yup, that sucked.  What can you take from it and where can you go from here? 

It is really rather empowering when you just embrace it and move on.  Another moment for me to practice what I preach.  

Chaos - http://www.henderson-art.co.uk/art-detail.php?id=chaos

Insanity is this week - 2 more days of the school week, with a shift day tomorrow and subbing jobs for the fireman on both ends.  My mil's birthday party is Saturday and D's is Sunday.  The boys have a million things to do after school - 8th grade memorial things and robotics competition prep. And my house looks like a Laundromat vomited all over it.  I keep moving the laundry baskets I am avoiding from my living room to my bed and back again.  We are looking at buying new living room furniture - kids and dogs have taken their toll on what we have right now and I can't make it look nice anymore. I have a stack of papers to grade that is reaching toward the heavens and I am unsure as to when I will get to those. My perfect life that so many people seem to perceive that I live, looks more like a random state of chaos and confusion at every turn.  I am okay with that, it is my confusion.

And yet, with all of this insanity, I am amazingly calm.

If my laundry doesn't get put away by the party day, I'll close my bedroom door.  I will get to those papers, even if it is not tonight.  The new furniture will be amazing and will lead to lovely nights of giggles, frights and snuggles.  

I am in an amazing state of contentment.  It is kinda weird.  But I am indeed kinda weird, so I guess I'll just have to embrace it.

A Little Slice of Heaven

From earlier in the season when they played each other...

It was indeed heavenly.  My classes were all beautiful.  My FF brought the boys up to the high school for chess practice.  He also took our youngest with him when he went to go work out while D was in judo class.  They all got fed before I even thought about coming home.  Ahhhhh, I cold get used to this.

This is its own little state of chaos.

While the boys were in chess I was going to organize the shelf behind my "desk".  It is in a sad, sad state at the moment.  Instead, I crashed a study session going on with one of the newer teachers in my department for a bit.  He in turn came back and bugged me, during which time we solved all the ills of the educational world.  Until the boys got done with chess. 

Sounds very ordinary, but here is where it gets good.

Usually Mondays and Thursdays are a bit looney. We have chess and judo, every week both days J usually drops off our youngest when he drops off the boys.  That means there is no chance of getting anything done.  Today, he took her along.  AND the stars aligned.

It was also one of the two Mondays a month that the boys also have youth group.  

Usually these Mondays are shift days - meaning...I run out of the building with the kids to sweep up all the muppets and D's judo bag.  I drop the boys off at the high school, fight traffic to get to the exact opposite side of town (hoping there is no accident or I choose the right portion of the freeway f or volume), drop off D with my dad (who is gracious enough to feed her), grandpa sneaks a snack to O, we hop back in the car, come back down to our side of town, grab the boys from chess and swing over to the Basilica drop the boys off for youth group.  Come home, throw some food at O, run back to the Basilica and grab the boys and finally hurry home - feed the boys, shower O and wait for my dad to bring D home.  After I get them all fed, showered, and in bed...I eat and grade papers...hoping the drool dries by morning.

You can see that they are hectic nights.

Last night...was ...AMAZING.

Since J took O with him and the boys had Youth Group, that meant that I had an hour and a HALF. TO. MY. SELF.

I took shower.

I bragged about it on FB...all females in the 'Like' and comment section...until the other FF on my hubby's engine piped up with a "Thanks for sharing" snotty remark.  

People are always bugging for a
picture of me with no make-up.
Here ya go...

It was all good - because it came AFTER my shower.  You know, the shower where I got to condition my hair AND shave my legs.  The shower where Pandora was BLARING, playing from my S4.  The shower where even the dogs simply slept in the living room.

HEAVEN!

After I was able to take my time brushing out my freshly conditioned hair, I reminded said FF that he has ONE school-aged child...who is, oh I don't know, in SCHOOL when he comes off shift.  For him, a shower is just a shower.

Me, quadruple the kids - make 2 of them younger girls - and have them home when I am home.  Up, when I am up.  I turn that shower on at 5am and it is a glanging gong of an alarm clock, waking up my little muppets.  There is no time.  AND, do you think they wake up daddy to get some breakfast because they are hungry??  NOPE!  That would be rude, so they whimper at me which wakes up the boys.  NOW, you have a teen and preteen boy each causing their own form of havoc with their sisters...in the 7 minutes I tried to sneak in a shower just to wash the grime off.  (I am with teenagers all day, ya know)  Shift showers...are mythical events, I don't think they actually exist.

I may have reminded said firefighter of the difference and went back to my recliner, in my fuzzy fleece pj pants with my soft fur lined slippers and watched grown up TV until daddy came home with the monsters Muppets... I got a spa day, the rest was just details.

Have a great day!  Prepare for the next polar vortex.  Laugh with the Muppets and laugh at your FFs...just make sure he's not looking. ;)  Sending love and warm thoughts your way...

She Sparkles...and I am Just Gonna Let Her

You have to understand, my youngest marches to the beat of her own drum.  Sometimes it is offbeat and sometimes I have no clue what she even hears.  But, she is always true to herself.  I do try to contain it.  She wears what she wants, when she wants and how she wants.  Rules for what to wear when, don't really apply.  I really do try to contain it, but she has so much sunshine and glitter in her veins that sometimes it just oozes out of her pores.  

 Would you care for a spot of tea??  One minute she is lecturing on the proper procedures on brewing and serving tea.

And the Next...

...she is running around in a tutu bunker gear. 

Other times she is just hanging around.

Also after mass...who buys these girls all these polka dotted tights!  Sheesh!  Here, she is a barrage of dotty glee. 






Today we had mass.  8AM mass...on shift day.  We got daddy out the door and we followed shortly there after.  I did a quick glance to make sure that there were undies, shoes, tights, etc...but notice I said quick.  As we were walking into the sanctuary...I looked at the little people in front of me. D was in one of Christmas dresses, looking adorable.  B was looking like a boy, but in nice jeans and a sweater.  My soon to be too cool high school was in a button down and khakis...sounds like a Christmas card. 

http://badgercatholic.blogspot.com/

Until you get to O.  She was walking in to this beautiful house of worship...  

in a red shirt/skirt outfit with flowing sleeves reminiscent of wings, with faint gold glitteries going through it, black knit tights with shiny silver polka dots the size of dimes (see above) and blue glitter tennis shoes - that are clearly the love child of a pair of my Chuck Taylor's and pair of their Twinkle Toes.  The shoes make the outfit, this was no exception. And she walked down the aisle, smiling the whole way, waving like Miss Tiny America to her fans...and all I could do was smirk.  That is my girl.

I tried to get a picture after her CARE class ended, but no go.  I will have to leave that to your imagination.  But, it is not the first time.  So I will leave you with this image to help you along...

 

Temper, Temper

He had to know that this would end up here. My poor N!

He loves football.  I will say that I thought he would quit within a couple of weeks.  This is the child who cried over broken toenails and was freaked out at the thought of getting a haircut. I thought for sure it would be over and done in less than a season.

Here we are, at the end of the 2nd season and he has developed into a leader among young men.  He is the one cheering on our big boys who don't finish the warm-ups quite as fast as the smaller guys.  He is always checking on his teammates and asking what he can do better.  He looks to the refs to make sure he is in the right place and following all of the rules.  N is a rule follower.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I heard that two boys were being ejected and one was my boy.  I literally said, "Wait! #33?  My 33?  My N got ejected?"  and hustled my frozen butt down the little bleachers' stairs to the bench.

As I got down there, his helmet came flying and some words that are unmentionable in polite company came spewing from his mouth.

Now, first let me tell you about the game.  We are getting to the end of season.  Playoffs are well underway.  The league, in my humblest of opinions, has not handled things well.  The stickers denoting the bigger boys have been missing from several teams helmets. The binders from MPS with the boys' schools, ages, weights, etc has never made their way to our coaches.  And with these binders missing there's no way to verify ages and weights.  There have been murmurs of high school kids being brought in.  One team we played earlier in the season with about 17ish players, now had enough for a full D and a full O, with subs for both.  And when we questioned it - they were down to 15 the next week. (Funny how that happened after a phone call to the commissioner!)  You can imagine I am not a fan.  
The game yesterday was a team we have not seen before this point.  Our boys played with no heart.  It was no fun to watch.  And then the teams - on the field, starting the series - began their cheers.  And our  boys responded with their chant.   It got ugly and rough, really fast.  Our coach said that a double flag needed to be thrown - it was taunting, on both sides.  Nothing was done.  From there, the officials lost control of the game. It ugly and physical.


Both benches were warned.  N's man got ugly, made some racial comments and threatened him, so N shoved him back down to protect himself.  It was a case of  "2nd one always gets caught" and N got caught.  He felt wronged and he felt like the officials had no idea what his man had done.  And when he and his guy were tossed from the game, he got ugly.

As I said, he said some things that I cannot repeat here.  And all he was concerned about was being ejected from the game.  He was worried that I was mad about that.  My FF and I tried to get him to understand that we understood what happened on the feel, but what was unacceptable was his reaction to it.  He couldn't see that and continued to plead his case.

After a hot shower, we chatted on the way to a family birthday.  And it took a bit, but he got it.  What he did, was a reaction.  Maybe he could have handled it differently, maybe not.  Maybe he should have let the other kid do what he was going to do and he would have been the only one tossed.  But, the one thing I know he could have done better was handle his penalty.  Be angry and frustrated and confused, but...

...there is no need to go down to the level of the people you are ticked off at.  

Rise above and never let them pull you down. 

We'll call it a life lesson and move on from there.  I told his coach he needs to run on Tuesday for practice.  Regardless of what they do, you can only control your action and reactions.  That is it.  You are not responsible for how they handle themselves, only for how you hand yourself.  And that is that.  Learn it now or learn it later, I will keep pounding that into his head.

My FF is on shift - with a 48.  On the engine today and the box tomorrow.  I had to stop at the firehouse...he forgot some stuff.  I have to admit, I was a bit jealous with the breakfast that was being made and the bacon in the air. Ah well.  Back to football.  Happy Sunday!

38 Was Beautiful

My birthday was this weekend...I am now 38.  OLD, I know.  When did that happen?  I have been with my FF for half of my life, now.  If you asked my half a lifetime ago, if I would be married, to a firefighter, with four kids - I would have most assuredly laughed in your face.  

And yet here I am.

And, if you would have told me that a shift day might actually make for a wonderful birthday - two years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and made a snarky comment.

And yet, it did.

Friday night was a date night with my hubby - Five Guys and a a movie, with a Cinnabon to close the day.

My actual birthday was a shift day.  He couldn't get off.  So, it was to be life as usual. 

After several leading questions about my schedule on my birthday, my FFW next door made an appointment for a pedicure at an amazing spa first thing in the morning.  Being a FFW, she knows dang well that there is always an excuse NOT to make the appointment required by a gift certificate.  I am horrible about it.  I have broken my husband's heart because I can't find the time.  But, I digress...

Anyway, the kids cleaned the house while I was at the spa AND decorated for me.  It was beautiful.  I still can't bring myself to take them down.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I love you more than the sun.
From my B boy....<3

Starbucks gave me a free venti hot cocoa, N's team won their game while the other three stooges played with their newly made friends on the playground, my dad took us out for pizza and my hubby stopped by at 10:30pm to make sure I didn't go to sleep without another happy birthday and a kiss.  BUT...the sound of the air brakes and the sight of the big red box at 10:30 at night MIGHT have given my girl next door a minor heart attack.  No worries, FFW have no issues calling FFs out for that, even when it is not their FF.  She made it known...

I don't need gifts.  We had cake the next day and yellow roses somehow appeared.  It was probably the best birthday I have had in quite some time.  The love that was showered upon me is worth more than anything that could be bought.  It was a weekend of love and blessings.  

38 is going to be a good year.  I look forward to seeing what it will bring me.

My Crew

Okay, Suicide Prevention Day, 9/11...those were a couple of heavy posts for me to take on.  Both of them really drained me after writing them.  Wow, when did I become so melodramatic, anyway...

I have another rather serious post tumbling around in my head, but I am leaving it there.  I am just not ready to tackle it, yet.  

So, instead, I am posting pics of my people.  My muppets and my fireman.  Begrudgingly, there are a few pictures of me in this mix as well.  I much prefer to HOLD the camera than be the subject of it. I just do not photgraph well.

They came out my FF's family pictures.  We have not had entire family pics done since N was a baby - 13 years or so.  It was time.

As I said on THtH's Facebook page, these muppets are our future.  Your children and grandchildren are our future. It is up to us to teach them, to raise them  in love and structure.  It our responsibility to teach them what responsibility looks like.  It us to teach them that every person is worthy of being treated with human dignity and respect, even if they don't really "deserve" it.  Kids live what they learn. 

These are the loves of my life.  

D was literally pulling my hair in back so tightly, it was pulling my whole head back.  Ugh...

Ewwwww

Where is that baby of mine??