A Time to Bite Your Tongue

...and a time to not.

I tend to stay out political discussions on this blog, as well as theological debates.  I have found that my views don't always sit well.  It often comes to a point where it causes a rift and I am truly trying to make my life about building bridges, regardless of where others stand on the other side.  

The Easter before last, my opinions and focus on social justice were formally called into question and I began to question where I stood.  Was I standing in the right side? Was I just causing another rift?  What direction should I be heading?  Not always a bad thing.  Questioning where you stand on thing, that is.  It is a healthy reflection, even if it is a bit uncomfortable.  I was in physical pain and a bit of a spiritual crossroads.  A new pope had JUST been chosen, the year of faith was well underway, my purple cast was a visual sign of the Lenten reflection that I was silently going through.  And then I got to mass.

Fr. Alejandro, my favorite Cuban Franciscan (who sadly will be assigned to an Australian parish this fall) focused his homily on this very topic.  Talk about a spiritual neon billboard!  His message was, yes, this is a year of faith, but perhaps we are too busy talking and verbally evangelizing.  What if instead of talking about what it right,  we just do what is right.  What if instead of passing judgement based on the rules, we focus on the one rule that reminds us to love.  Unconditionally, even if it is not warranted.  Now, understand, he calls himself Fr. Feelgood and I smile every time he refers to himself with such a title.  He clearly has a tendency to such dogma.  But, every single time, it makes me feel as though he is indeed speaking to me. 

From that moment, Pope Francis has only reinforced that in my head.  To which I fail, miserably.  All the time.  Kids drive me crazy and I snipe.  I question parents' parenting values.  I think things in my head that are less than loving.  Realize, I am not saying that I have mastered this, by any stretch of the imagination.  I suck at, truthfully.  But, it is the direction that I am moving toward, even if I get lost because Droid Siri doesn't like monsoon-like storms and I lose my way. (Real life reference that  I will save for another day.)  Imagine what the world would be like if we could remind ourselves of that 5 times a day.

Instead of hating, judging, condemning, whatever, changes need to be made.  What if instead we asked, "How can I help?"  Instead of passing judgement because people aren't doing what we feel to be prudent or reasonable we sit and talk.  You might be amazed at what people will share with you.  Do I need to work on this, duh. Yah.  More than you know.  

Our city is seeing kids shot far too regularly.  Our news talks about it, but realize it occurs far more than the news reports. We have amazing Meds and ED staff.  They have become amazingly skilled at keeping GSWs from becoming fatalities.  How many gang members do you talk to about their gang affiliation and they talk about that is not their gang, it is their family you are referring to.  WHAT DOES THAT SCREAM TO YOU??  These kids that we are judging and condemning as gang bangers are looking for love and acceptance.  The unquestioning, unending kind of love that families should provide.  

One of my fave quotes of all time.

J is sleeping off a LLLOOOOONNNNGGG night.  Insanity, much of it drug related.  How many heroin and meth overdoses does he see?  Far too many.  We all know that.  BUT WHY?  Why do people turn to drugs?  How often is it because reality if far too painful to take?  Physically and emotionally.  It is easier to escape the pain through drugs, than it is to actually face it or to fight it another day.  So much is personal choice.  I am not debating that.  But, what if they knew that there was a whole WORLD standing in their corner.  How many people would choose to send a text for help or support knowing that someone would answer it?  How many parents feel their hands are tied because they can't reach their kids?  How many spouses see the loves of their lives vanish into an addiction, but for fear and shame don't reach out for help?  How many kids have built walls because alcohol has drown their parents and they can't do it another time, they can't excuse the hateful comments that come from the V.O. and not the parental unit?  How many lives are taken because the world has told them they should not feel the way they do, look the way they do? How much anger is the immigration debate bringing out - the HATEFUL spewings remind be of the images taught in my Civil Rights unit. All of this easier  It is easier than facing judgement another day or living in fear of what change might bring.  What if we looked at the world through the lens love and compassion instead of fear and hate?  What if instead of putting ourselves up on a pedestal, telling the world how our way is the right way, we just did what we would hope someone would do for us?

Sorry for such a serious Weekend post, I am sleep deprived and had way too much time to think. However, perhaps we need to spend more time thinking, of  how we can make this world a better place, without passing judgement.  Instead of focusing on what we that makes us different, focus on our humanity that brings us all together.  Instead of focusing on who someone might love, focus on just being loving.  Instead of talking about what we don't like, focus on what is amazing and build up from there. At some point we have to make a decision to make this a better place as opposed to what we think is right or fair.  Cycles are perpetuating hate and anger and hunger and fear.  We must find away to break this spiraling pathways to hate or things will only get worse. The pursuit of happiness will become more of a myth of a bygone era. 

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child

Call it a cliché or call it a Proverb.  I call it a truth.  We cannot raise a child without others.  Some days it feels like we are in it all on our own.  As FireWives it is when the 48s seem to be never ending and 2 have projects due tomorrow and the other 2 just are projecting - be it their voices (at their siblings) or their toys (at the dogs) or vomit (all over the table).  As parents we often thing our kids are only ones to have ever gone through this. The baby won't stop crying.  The toddler throws a fit in the store when told no. As a community, too often we feel it is not our job.


But it is.


We are responsible for the future, and that future is in our kids.  And they are just that - OUR kids.


I often confuse people.  Well, aside from the usual, I confuse them when I talk about "my kids".  I have gotten into the habit of calling my students "my kids", because they are indeed my kids.  I have kids to this day, who call me Mom.  And that is just how it is.  So, when you hear me talk about my kids and it doesn't make sense, ask me which ones.  I have tried to get in the habit of saying, "my kids at school" but sometimes the idea comes out before the clarification.


This is also why I get up on my soap box about the infant mortality crisis we have here in Milwaukee.  They are OUR kids.  Not their kids.  We need to work with the families in our communities  to do what is right by OUR kids.  Keeping the safe, making sure they are fed and making sure that they are all appropriately educated.  That is OUR job.  These are the kids who will be OUR doctors, OUR lawyers, OUR leaders.  And if we lead by example - one of kindness, compassion as well as logical and thoughtful - they will learn develop those traits. 


They are ALL our kids.


One of the classes we teach in my department is Morality. Probably my favorite class to teach, aside from my history class.  I know that we are a Catholic institution and I not necessarily focusing on morality pertaining to SIN per se, but what makes a GOOD person.  Just imagine if it was something that was focused on in every home, with every family and every child.  Kindness, compassion, humility, patience, justice, charity, honesty...just think.  Our kids emulate what they see.  If our superstars did what was right because they should, instead of whatever they want - to the point of excess, because they can, imagine how our kids would react.

Our Guidance counselor Mark, used one of these YEARS ago when we were discussing this idea.
Makes me miss Grand Avenue...

So, think about this today when you see kids in the neighborhood, with no one to play with.  Or you see a mom struggling in the store.  Or your family welcomes a new little one.  We - parents, teachers, police officers, firefighters, superstars, librarians, pastors and priests, aunts and uncles, waitstaff, doctors and nurses, neighbors and friends - are all responsible for who they will become.  Just IMAGINE the possibilities.

Date Nights

My hubby and I have tried to set aside a set date night for years.  It just hasn't worked.  Someone has been tired or sick or there is a crisis of some sort that comes up. We always say we are going to do it and we never seem to actually do it.  


But since we moved and our 12 year-old requested a little more responsibility, we have found ways to have mini-dates.  We started off with running to the store during naptime and we have evolved from there. Sometimes it is as simple as running to the Home Depot without the kids.  Tuesday night he took me to dinner.  This past weekend we ran to the Italian deli and pick up sausage for pizza night - without the kids.  So, it seems to be that date night is anytime we don't have the kids.  We are not leaving them alone long and we have AMAZING neighbors, so there is really no major concern.  But it is a chance to reconnect as adults, as a couple, without having to continually plan.



I do think that this is where things get off with families.  We lose ourselves, as a couple, in the chaos that parenthood can become.  Seeing as the parents' love is what starts the family, it is the foundation, if it starts to crumble, the stability of the entire family is effected.  So, in my humblest of opinions, that relationship is just as important as anything else within the family unit.  Not to say that we don't all sacrifice something for our kids, just that it can't be our spouse.  especially in a fire family, when the rate of divorce is significantly higher than the general population.  


Kiss your firefighter, hugs your kids and enjoy the day

The Fire Family

I have this as my current profile picture for my Facebook page.  I love Facebook.  I have reconnected with long lost friends and found some friends that are as close as sisters to me if though they are stationed half way around the world.  But, and everyone has one, it opens up a whole new world of criticism.  Today, after changing my picture from a sketch of "me" drawn by one of my former students to the Fire Wife icon, two people lectured me.  I was told that I was "losing (my) identity" in my husband's career.  Another "friend" told me they she was "disappointed" in me because she thought I was a stronger woman than this.  I was a bit taken aback by the comments.  How does this change my value as a woman?  If anything it increases it.  My identity is not that of my husband's career, but is sure as heck has become a big part of it.  

I have been "writing" this post in my head since this morning.  Thinking of what to say and how I could make these people understand.  I debated on whether  to post the link to this posting on their wall or send it to them privately.  Then while I am making dinner - as the dog is helping himself to the veggies, the baby needs me to take her potty, my boys are fighting over cleaning their room and I have dispatch playing on the background of my laptop - it comes to me.  Nothing I can say or write or demonstrate will make them understand.  My husband is not half a world away, he is only 20 minutes away.  But every three days, our routine is interrupted.  The holidays were a perfect example - I need say nothing more.  When a spouse is deployed it is hard, but you establish a routine without them.  We are still figuring out how to do that with every day and a half being interrupted.  I have literally sat down with a calendar for the next two months and counted off BLUE shifts in order to figure things out.  My kids draw heroic pictures of their daddy when he is gone.  The dogs flock to him when he comes home.  And as much as I would love to have help me with the crazy kids or the tire that needs to be changed or the attitude adjustment that needs to be made with one of the boys, when Daddy comes home - it is still just me.  He needs to sleep and I still am a single mom until he gets that nap in.  How do you get people to understand that?

Our holidays revolved around the firehouse.  Where Daddy would be, when would we see him, how we could still have him involved in opening presents.  It was all centered around the firehouse.  The entire family revolves around that firehouse.  Appointments are scheduled around J's shift, school conferences, family gatherings - I even made alternate plans for tomorrow's Packer game, so J could sleep - EVERYTHING revolves around his work schedule.  So, tell me how I do not take on the identity of a Fire Wife.  My kids are proud of their Daddy - Desiree is going to be a firegirl just like her daddy (just ask her, she'll tell you!).  I am proud of my husband.  When everyone else is running away from the fire, he is running in - to save their stuff, their dog and their lives.  When there is an issue with a homeless person downtown and everyone else is trying to avoid them, my husband is trying to help them.  When an inmate at the jail has a seizure and the rest of the world is judging him - deciding if it is real or not - my husband is simply trying to make sure he is safe and his needs are tended to.  When an elderly woman's blood pressure has spiked and needs transport, he is making sure she is comfortable and informed of what is happening.  He is a public servant and a hero.

Don't judge me because I am now calling myself a Fire Wife.  I does not define me.  I am the sum of all of my parts and that happens to be one of my parts.  Was it in my plans?  No, absolutely not.  But, then again, neither was marriage and children and look at me now.  We don't know where life will take us.  I am enjoying the ride.  Just like the roller coasters - there are moments when I feel like I am going to puke and just want off.  There are also those moments of pure exhilaration that remind you why you got on this ride in the first place.

I am a proud Fire Wife, take me or leave me.