A Haven

I have a big mouth and lots of opinions.  As I have matured, I have definitely learned where, when and to whom I can share my opinions.  I find most of the time I am censoring.  Sometimes for self preservation purposes, sometimes because my thoughts are not always polite due to lack of sleep or frustration and sometimes just because I don't feel people will understand.

That lack of understanding comes from lack of experience, especially in the area of the firefighting world.  Prime Example - 48s.  We have two 48s in seven days.  Which means that J works 5 out of 7 days this week.  Well, so do I and so do many of you.  BUT, do you work eight hours on your "off" day??  Chances are, probably not.  Which means over the next seven days, my FF does not have a full day off.  Not even 24 hours off.  He goes in early to give the med he is relieving a break.  Unfortunately, that favor is not usually returned.    And, like last week, his last call of the morning required a visit from a funeral director (that was a rough shift - losing 3 in one shift) and he did not make his way home until nearly 11am.  

So, where do you turn for solace??  

Other FF wives of course.  

I got in on the ground level with Firefighterwife.com's private Facebook group, closed to the public.  You can chat with other wives and girlfriends that "get it".

Until the other day.

A FFW posted a question about what we are looking to get out of this group.  And with nearly 1,000 women, you can imagine the variety of responses.  One veteran wife said would never complain about her FF not helping around the house because at anytime he might not come home.

And I felt like I had been punched in the chest.

Yah, I know that.  We all KNOW that.  It is a very real part of our worlds.  It is a part of our world that I already have to started to plan so that I am not left floundering and lost.  I have it written down so that I don't have to think about it.  

BUT...

I can't complain about the fact that I am a single mom for 1/3 of my life?  Or that there is no real way to establish a routine because the FF in our house works every 3rd day or 2 out of 3 days or not for two weeks, depending on the OT, trades, POs or vacation days.  I can't vent about how ER visits and household break downs ALWAYS happen on shift days.  Or  that I am sick, but have no time to be sick because my FF needs sleep because he had 23 runs in 24 hours and every time he thought about heading back to quarters to get some sleep, they caught another call.  I need that safe place to vent, because otherwise my options are to internalize it until it all comes spewing out like Mount Saint Helens or fuss at my FF every time something comes up.  Neither of those is pretty.

FFW was just that.  I am not taking for granted my FF. On shift days, I wear his wedding ring with my half of our mizpah coin to remind me throughout the day to say a prayer (several times a day) that he comes home safe to me.  I KNOW HIS JOB IS LONG AND HARD AND THE DANGER IS VERY REAL.  But, if I focused on that at every turn, I would drive myself to drink or insanity. Neither is very pretty.  Besides, marriage is a two way street.  Not only to have to take care of his needs - including emotional - I also need to make sure mine are being met as well.  Otherwise, I am of no use to him.

I filter at school because I am trying to allow my kids to discover their faith, not indoctrinate them. I filter at home because my kids are too young to hear (much less understand) my frustration when it has been a long day and I have a ton of papers to correct and dinner to make and homework help to give and refereeing to do and laundry to fold and lunches to plan for the next day and still find time to sleep...all before I get up at 4am the next morning.  I filter with my husband because much of my frustrations come with the territory and he does not need to hear them after losing several patients in one shift.  I agreed to this journey, but it doesn't mean it is easy.  I filter because I am with children nearly every waking moment of my life (and some sleeping moments).  I filter A LOT.  I filter, but it is not natural.  It is not comfortable.  I prefer to tell my friend that her choice in clothing may not be the best.  I prefer to tell people how I am doing, for real.  I prefer to be clear about where I stand.  But that is not always an option.  And so I filter.

I almost pulled out of the FFW Private Page.  I was being asked to filter...some more.

But, where else would I turn?  Truly this life can only be understood by those who live it.  When we started this trek in 2008, I thought I understood.  I was wrong.  These ladies get it.  They understand.  And if I need it, a few of them are strong enough to tell me to "suck it up, Buttercup" and quit my fussing when I need that. Most days, I just need to get it out.  I can't let the little things eat me alive, but some days I can't just ignore them either.

So, the gals are stuck with me.  I will probably ruffle a few feathers along the way.  It is the nature of this beast.  I don't see the need to sugar coat everything.  But, I will also calm a few in the midst of their own personal storms.  Because I do understand.  Because I know how hard it is.  Because I know what is like to feel all alone.

But, we are never truly alone.  And I am here to remind people of that.

So, if any FFW are offended by me forthrightness, sorry.  You'll get over it.  Pass that post if it does not speak to you, that's what I do.  FFW is my haven.  I will take advantage of it to get through the insanity of Fire Wife Life.  These are my girls and they totally get it, even if they don't quite get me.

Love your muppets when the are at their most unlovable.  Let your FF know you are there, even when his shift drained all your life force.  It is a crazy path we have chosen, but I would do it again.