My Secret List
I was watching one of my many crime dramas, since I had time to catch up on my over-full DVR, and there was a police wife having to ID her husband's body. And she talks about how she has always waited for this day. Later in the episode a pregnant police wife falls apart in regards to THAT phone call. I have thought about that THAT phone call, actually THAT knock on the door. The one I probably won't be able to answer. I have thought long and hard about it. How I will handle it, who I will call, how I will react, how I will go on.
Now, you must understand, I am a Type-A personality. You'd never know it, looking at my house some days, but even the best strategists know when the battle is no longer worth fighting. I have lists for my lists. I never go shopping without my Cozi list. My terms are planned out by unit, in mid-summer. I have everything planned out. I even have a Secret List. With every sympathy card I have sent to a wife or family of a FF who died in the line of duty, I add to my list. Things that I don't want to forget when I can't remember my own name. Things that are important, but will seem like nothing if that day comes.
I have that knock on my door planned out, written out. I have names and numbers. I have who is supposed to tend to my kids, so I can tend to my husband. I have notes for things my husband has mentioned in passing or at other funerals for his service. I have notes, numbers, lists and even a note reminding me to breathe, literally - I know I will forget. I want to be able to tend to things, even if I am going on auto-pilot. Even the most magnificent robot works best if there are good instructions.
Now, statistics are on my side. MFD has only lost two firefighters and one recruit since I was in daycare. They are an amazing department. BUT...that does not mean it is never going to happen. That explosion last year where we had FFs jumping out of the window moments before the explosion, reminds us not to get too comfortable with our firefighters in those structures. Even the best laid plans...even the best trained firefighters...
It is not an enjoyable conversation to have, but be sure to have it. Look into a living will for your FF, but also for you. If you can't make your wishes known, how will anyone know? Make your voice heard and be sure your FF's voice is heard, if, God forbid, the time ever comes.
But, until then, enjoy your firefighters and your families. Say what you need to say, before you can't say it. Live life, even if it is not how you planned it.
Be sure to remind your firefighter to come home safe and that they are never alone.
But, until then, enjoy your firefighters and your families. Say what you need to say, before you can't say it. Live life, even if it is not how you planned it.
We had a LODD this week at a neighboring volunteer station. Hubby is filling in today so that the man's son's (he works at hubby's paid station) shift can attend the funeral. This is important. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. It is amazing how entire departments find a way to cover so that respects can be paid and grief can be expressed. Never easy. Can you email me the info so I can send a card?
ReplyDeleteFunny you mention this right about now.
ReplyDeleteFF's department sends out a packet of papers and forms every so often and basically we have to plan his funeral and give it back to them to put in his file so if it ever happened, I wouldn't have to think about a thing. We filled it out a couple of years ago, but it's update time again.
I think it's a good idea. Nobody wants to think about these kind of things (especially not all the new, young ff wives) but it really is better to be prepared and hope nothing happens. Rather than hope nothing happens, and not being prepared.
I have come up close and personal with this issue with the Sofa Super Store Fire that killed 9 firefighter,s in my boo's department, in 2007. I'm lucky and I count my blessing every day that he's still here.
ReplyDeleteBut I sat through agonizing 8 hours from the time the news announced firefighters down, until he finally managed to get a call out to me to let me know he wasn't dead. I have to tell you my heart literally stopped in my chest when the phone rang (had to call me from the chief's phone), but the relief of hearing his voice was pure joy.
In that 8 hours, I was forced to plan out and strategize what I would do. I realized just how ill prepared we were for such an event.
In the wake of fire, numerous agencies reached out to the firefighter community and we did an estate planning/ will and living will writing / POA / plot purchasing / (all blessedly free of charge) and actually discussed what we wanted in the event. It was a sucky conversation, but it had to happen.
As far as planning goes, I would add more...I learned what I really needed to be planning for after this fire, was how to help him because HE'S STILL HERE.
I had never heard of PTSD, or had anyway to anticipate the toll it would take emotionally, physically, mentally on him AND ME. I had no idea how intensely it would affect our marriage. Learned even about "spouseal PTSD" I learned all about how my having to be on "high alert" all the time because of his issues - the rages, the night terrors, the depression and suicide attempts - where actually in a sideways way giving me PTSD from the event. I learned that time can't fix everything, and somethings I was just going to have to accept. I had to decide if this lifestyle was something I could truly commit to in my heart and not resent him for it.
I would also suggest planning in case of short term/ permanent disability. I learned to plan for this after he shattered most of the bones in his wrist and forearm and was out of work for 4 months coupled with an incredibly sick newborn. How are you going to function if he is down for the count? How will the family be supported? And most importantly, how will you maintain your relationship?
Great post and one near and dear to my heart. Hope everyone is feeling better.
Oh an excuse my craptacular grammar and spelling. I got to excited and rushed ahead. It's one of those things always on my resolution list because my students ALWAYS point it out, but, hey, if we were all perfect life would be BORING!
ReplyDeleteHow scary, Amber! We visited the Sofa Store memorial when we were up there on vacay last summer. Had no idea you were so close to the tragedy. I'm sorry he, and you, have had to go through that.
ReplyDeleteYou are right about the short term/permanent disability, too, and I know this because several years ago a kid hit FF head on in the ambulance and he tore some tendons or ligaments in his shoulder and was out of work for weeks. We barely scraped by by the skin of our teeth and the dept. Fund the Honor Guard set up to help out any of the FFs having issues. But that was only one time and wouldn't have carried us far.
I give thought to the situation sometimes, then just put it off to think about later because that's the easier option.
I know it is scary, but I think it is more scary to ignore it and have it smack you in the face with a two by four. We have the had the disability insurance for years, mainly because of my pregnancies.
ReplyDelete@Amber, I can only imagine how scary that must have been. I am so sorry you had to deal with that, but relieved that your FF came home to you. Let me know if you need to chat over the next few months. btdt