Guilt

This whole teachers vs. Scott Walker has put me in the middle of both friends and colleagues alike.  My friends, family and co-workers all have an opinion and many seem to assume they know mine.  There was quite a lengthy discussion at our niece's 2nd birthday party yesterday - mind you J was a teacher, one of his sisters is a teacher, his dad was a principal and his mom was a teacher turned educational assistant.  And you throw me into the mix.  On the other side of the debate is J's uncle who is an independent contractor for the federal courthouse.  I think that debate got the guilt juices flowing.


On our drive home, I think I needed to cleanse my soul.  Not about the teachers in Madison, but about the fact that I am teaching in a private school.  This was never in my plans.  And, if I was to be honest with myself, I was probably a bit condescending, in my mind, towards private school teachers.  And here I find myself - one of them. 


I have never mentioned this guilt to anyone and here it was the topic of discussion for at least 45 minutes of our drive and continued to weigh on my mind throughout the night - to the point where I was dreaming about it.  I feel so horribly guilty.  I feel as though I have abandoned my kids.  My kids now, at a private school, do indeed need me, but not like in the past.  They need my input on which private college would best serve them in the quest to be the most influential social worker of their time.  They need me to take a look at their papers and check citations before they submit it for AP Lit.  They do need me.  But in the past, for some of my kids, school was the only sense of stability the kids had.  You don't know how many trips I took to Wal-mart or Target over the years for school supplies, clothes, food, etc for my kids at work.  How many long hours spent agonizing over what was best for these guys, when no one else really even thought twice. I know most of them have graduated or are about to graduate.  And many of my 'babies' know how to get a hold of me and have done so.  But what about the next classes coming up?  What if they need me and I am not there?  Have I failed my mission?  Have I become a sell-out and taken the easy route?


So, I return to my final exam grading.  With my helicopter parents, who question every grade in my grade book - why it was a A- rather than an A, and think about the kids I have left behind.  The kids who could not get their parents in for conferences, much less check my grade book on a daily basis. I watch the happenings at the capital, with baited breath, look at the pictures posted by my friends and co-workers and wonder.  I am only two terms into my stint as a private school teacher.  J assures me that I am making a difference and that these kids need strong teachers as well.  I am hoping that my guilt subsides.  Some days it feels as though it will just consume me.

Teachers and the Unions

Okay - I have kept quiet on this issue long enough.  This is an issue that is dividing families and friends.  You should have read some of the horrible emails and FB messages I have gotten - from both sides of this discussion.  So here is my stance...well, it is more of a request.  PLEASE STOP BASHING TEACHERS!  Yes, I know. We only work 10 months out of the year, have all of our holidays off and we are done at 3pm and yada yada yada.  I KNOW!

Please also note that the teachers are PEOPLE!  These are people who hold the lives and futures in the very palms of their hands NOW.  What they do today, impacts your child FOREVER!  You have no kids?  Guess, what we do will impact your caregivers, and therefore your life -  forever!

I am no longer in the public world.  I am teaching for a much reduced salary in a private school in order to afford private school education for my 4 kids. (Ironic all the way around, isn't it!)  It is a trade off the has been wonderful so far.  My class sizes run from 11-27. My boys are in true 15 student classes, as opposed to the 30:2 classes SAGE provided.   Last year, my classes at MHSA were 40-48, with the exception of my AP class which "only" had 16.  We did not have enough books, ever, in the 12 years I taught in MPS, to allow all kids to take a book back and forth.  That meant I had to create assignments that did not rely on the text or the internet - because not all kids have regular access to the web, either.   Aside from those restrictions, we were limited to ONE case of paper per day for 45 staff members and 950 students, in order to cut costs.  SO, no textbook or textbook created materials were used - unless we provided our own paper.  And from what I have heard, copies are being limited, regardless of who bought the paper.  For instructional purposes, I have almost always created ALL my own materials.  I have 2 flash drives FULL of PowerPoints, projects, assignments, rubrics - all created by ME - during the wee hours of the morning when my house is finally quiet enough to work or while sitting on the deck during the summer watching my kids play in the backyard.  I don't get paid for that.

Especially in urban districts, the teachers are often the only advocates for the children, sadly.  Breakfast commonly consists of Flamin' Hots and Hawaiian Punch, with maybe a Honey Bun to boot.  We buy clothes and supplies for our kids, students, as well as our classrooms.  I created a "SmartBoard" out of a Wii Mote, a Bluetooth dongle and an IR pen.  I created a document camera out of a ring stand and old camcorder.  We know how to make do with little to no supplies.  Many of our kids are written off by society - forgotten or left for hopeless.  I have lost 18 kids in 13 years - YES, EIGHTEEN!  I have gone to 15 of their funerals.  My  heart has broken with each and every one of those losses.  The guilt is enormous.  What could I have done differently?  What didn't I see?  Why didn't I suggest something different? I have been called Mom by more kids than I can ever count - sometimes by accident and sometimes by affection.  I am touched deeply by that compliment.  These are MY KIDS.  I am here in spite of all the issues, because of the kids. Don't you dare tell me that I am in this for the money!

As for the issues being debated, we in the education world know that there are sacrifices that must be made.  WE GET THAT!  Please don't lecture us about the private world, we understand that as well.  But when Gov. Walker wants to dissolve the unions, there are bigger issues at hand.  We have - for years - forgone pay raises in order to keep our health insurance, so we have indeed made sacrifices all along.  We began paying into our insurance several years ago and knew that trend would continue.  Now, we as teachers know that there are more cuts to be made and are okay with that - believe it or not.  But you have to realize that there are work conditions that the union ensures are safe and productive.


I have a student I can think of at this very moment - from 1999.  (At 150-200+ kids per year, you can do the math on how many kids ago that was.) I can picture him and remember his name just as clear as though it was yesterday.  BB had "that look" in his eyes, a ticking time bomb.  One day in my social studies class, he got upset because I would not give him my colored pencils during my instructional time.  He literally threw a table at me.  Kicker to this - I was 5 1/2 months pregnant.  The school board required me to keep him.  It was part of his disability - I needed to be more understanding.  The union stepped in and had him removed from my classroom.  They also ensure that we have something as simple as adequate parking, security guards for our halls and comp time when we stay until 9pm to ensure all parents have the opportunity to speak with us regarding their children's progress (after coming in to teach a zero hour class - FOR FREE at 6:50 AM). The positives of the union definitely outweigh the negatives.  I can go on and on.

I am not a Union Lackey.  I think there are some teachers who should not be in this profession and are protected by the union simply because they have put in three years and achieved tenure.  BUT, had administration, college education faculty or mentors stepped in during the early years of their education/careers, perhaps these sub-par teachers could have gotten the guidance they needed - either to improve their teaching  and/or classroom management style or to continue looking for their true vocations.  Unions, aside from negotiating our salaries and benefits, also ensure our working conditions are safe and secure.

Until you have spent any amount of time in the classroom, please don't bash teachers.  Most of us work long and hard to make sure our kids are educated - both academically and socially.  We work with little to no supplies or support - sometimes from homes, administration or the community at large.  We are



N.B - Didja know that teachers in the public schools often only get paid for 9 of the 10 days of their pay period?  This allows a paycheck to be sent to us on our breaks.  The days are "banked" for us and distributed over Winter and Spring Breaks, etc.