I Found My Words

Robin Williams' death turned the world on its ear.  We will see this again, but every time we do, we look at these people and wonder, "How?"

They have the perfect life, with more money than they can spend in a life time. The world caters to them.  How can they not be happy?  So many lost talents. So many lost lives. How can that possibly be?

Even though there are so many lost souls that the media spends no time discussing, what this should tell us is that there is so much more TO be discussed.  We need to discuss that these rich and famous idols, are still people, with the same failings and dreams and hopes and demons that we all harbor.  We need to discuss that mental illness, like cancer and so many other horrible diseases does not care who you are, what you Klout rating is or how much money you make?  Poverty or wealth, depression, mental illness and suicide hit all areas.  It rears its ugly head, without prejudice or bias.  Some times it runs in families and sometimes the atrocities of life bring it out in the happiest of worlds.  Mental illness knows no color or gender or social class.  Even those who have all the services and treatment options that money can buy, still succumb to its evil grip.  There are families that are destroyed and hearts that are broken and lives torn to pieces because of mental illness. 

And like the other million bloggers out there that are writing about this, we all have opinions.  Don't glorify suicide, others will emulate.  How can you mourn someone you have never truly known? White privilege.  What about the thousands of kids we are losing on streets?  But we all need to remember is that it all these lives that are lost are valuable, significant and our instructors.  We can learn from all of these losses.  THAT is what they all have in common.  We can all learn.

I know you are all tired of my soap boxes, but too fricking bad. I am okay being the squeaky wheel.

Mental health is significant.  I have had kids attend my classes and then take their lives as soon as they left.  I have seen my husband so close to that point, where I thought I would be certain to lose him if I didn't keep my guard up.  I have seen alcohol destroy families.  I have seen those people try to fight for their loved ones, only to lose them to the streets. I have seen the scars left in the minds of public servants who stay strong while others have their world falling down around them...only to realize that those images just don't go away. So many mentally ill walk among us.  And there is such a stigma and prejudice.  So many judgements to be made. So many suffering in silence, thinking they are alone.  Thinking that no one understands.

Some of those immediate responses are merely human, when we see someone suffering. Makes no difference if they are homeless or schizophrenic or manic or whatever.  We are unsure how to proceed or react or simply begin.  Fear from someone you don't know. Voices you can't hear are everywhere.  However, the path you take after that initial, "What am I supposed to do know?" reaction, is no longer a reaction, it is a choice.  Saying Hi and smiling.  Carrying happy meal cards.  Asking how they are.  All possible choices.  Just show the people of the world that someone cares.  That everyone is important, regardless of the socio-economic status or baggage.  

Think of how many people wanted something from Robin Williams - a picture, an autograph, his time at a benefit.  How many people truly asked, "How are you?  Are you doing okay?"  You never want to let your immediate family know you are in pain, because that brings unnecessary pain to them.  We just don't know what he might have needed, nor will we ever.  

We need to make sure that we reach out to our friends, co-workers, neighbors and even strangers.  Sitting and just chatting might be the most powerful medicine there is.  I might not be a cure all, but it might make a difference.  Something so simple. 

Take care of the firefighters in your world.  Know who to contact, who to call when you see that things are not quite right.  Don't be afraid to confront them.  Don't be a afraid to reach out, even if it is to a complete stranger.  People might just amaze you.  

I have written about suicide and depression before.  I watched one of my closest friends work through her father's suicide, to make the world less dreadful for those left behind working with S.O.S - Survivors of Suicide.  I tried to help my kids at work muddle through the heartache losing a classmate and friend. I have often talked about my fears with my FF and so many others on the job.  Please don't hesitate to reach out to any of these resources.

Some of the red flags to look for...

Please don't be afraid to reach out. If you are hurting, a loved one or someone you have never met in the real world.

Good-bye Genie, you're free.

Peace.

Reaching Out When They Have Pulled Away

A close FFW friend of mine, literally moments ago, posted that her FF's department had to respond to a suicide.  Never easy calls, for anyone involved, but it is part of the job, right?  

But this time, it was no ordinary call.  It was a fellow FF.  

Thanks to Paul Combs for keeping this in FD's minds.

And it was suicide. 

A firefighter suicide.

And that sent shivers through my spine.

Suicide in the fire service is very real and very scary and very much un-discussed in some departments, they just don't talk about it. Others are starting to sort out where to go from here and there are some that are truly working to make sure their FFs are okay - physically, mentally and emotionally.  I am truly a lucky FFW to be part of that last group.  MFD is aware of the issues, after suffering losses far too close to home, and is actively addressing them.  We, the spouses and family back at home, have to realize that our firefighters see things that we can only imagine. 

If there is not a support network in place, at home and at the firehouse, they can be consumed by the things that go bump in the night.  My FF is part of the team that goes to these FFs and reminds them that they are not heroes with bullet proof suits - immune to the tragedy of their vocation, they are people.  They have hearts that break and are not immune to the atrocities that are sadly a part of the job.

My FF, your FF, the Cub on their shift...they are all going to see things and work through things that are going to get to them.  And we need to know what we are looking for because that WALL of "Look at Me, I'm a hero, I GOT this", comes down at home, but maybe not at the firehouse...right away.

Please, please, please - know what is in place to support your FF. ASK.  MAKE your FF tell you what his department has in place.  If he won't tell you because he is trying to protect you, call his boss or call another wife in your department.  Be that annoying spouse.  Know who you can call and what they can do to help you and your family when your FF is struggling.  Know the number for your EAP.  Find out if your department has any mental health training in place.  Talk to wives - in your department or on-line.  


Things to look for, IE Red Flags:  (FIREFIGHTERS - I'm speaking to you, too!)

Depression - "The PERSISTENT feeling of sadness and loss of interest." ~Mayo Clinic.  Depression can be caused by any number of things.  End of a relationship, suspension, injury/illness,  death of someone close, family history, meds, etc.  This is a sensitive issue in our house and I am very aware of when my FF is going to go down.  Sometimes before he is.  

Red flags for depression include, but are not limited to:

• Difficulty concentrating or sleeping - either too much or too little.
• Lack of interest in enjoyable activities - used to ride his Harley and now, he won't go when the guys ask him to go for a ride or a rally.
• A feeling of worthlessness
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.
• An UNUSUAL amount of isolation at home, the firehouse, department events.  Some FFs are just introverts, so it is not unusual that they spend down time alone,  But usually they read or work on a project.  Now, instead they are sleeping - ALL THE TIME.
• An UNUSUAL sense of sadness or erratic behavior.

PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  The thing to realize about PTSD is that it may not show itself immediately after the trumatic event - it could be weeks or months or even years after the event.  And because of that delay, we may not connect the dots (they might not either for that matter).   Symptoms to look for:

• Restlessness - your FF's mind is ALWAYS going, ALWAYS racing
• Sleeplessness - do the nightmares keep your FF from taking the chance that will come?  If you don't sleep, the nightmares don't come.
• Then inability to relax and just enjoy life.
• Mental replays - either awake or in dreams - where your FF hears, sees, smells, feels or tastes the events of the that traumatic experience.
• Totally shutting down of emotions.  If you feel NOTHING, there's no pain.  But, there is also no joy or pride or love felt either. 

FIND a COUNSELOR.  Be sure that he/she is experienced and specifically trained in the specific needs and issues that come with PTSD.  Sadly, last winter, Tosa PD saw the first hand worst case scenario with PTSD.  We need to make sure we are especially aware of the signs and symptoms.

So...how do we prevent this from taking over.  Far too frequently, those concerned with our health and safety, put theirs on hold.  Because it is a sign of weakness, or it couldn't happen to them or...

It is, however, a very real and very serious problem within our fire departments.  

Suicide: To kill oneself.  

On the very surface level, it contradicts EVERYTHING that the Fire Service has come to represent: Courage, Honor, Integrity.  

We don't have complete statistics on the rates of suicide in the FD. Up until recent times, you just didn't talk about it.  And some suicides just might not be ruled a suicide.  It is hard to tell. Captain Jeff Dill of Palatine Rural Fire Protection District in Inverness, Illinois, who holds a Master’s degree and is a Licensed Counselor, has done an amazing job of reaching out and digging through reports throughout the decades to begin to compile this data, found on his website. 

Here's what is known about suicide in general.  70% are white males.  More importantly, 90% of ALL suicide victims had one of the following conditions: depression, substance abuse, schizophrenia-psychotic delusions, bi-polar or anxiety disorders, or Mood disorders.  

And there are some of those red flags you can look for if you are concerned that your FF's depression or PTSD has totally consumed them, including:

• appearing depressed or sad nearly all the times
• a withdrawl from friends or family that is out of character for your FF
• a sense of hopelessness/helplessness that seems to weigh on your firefighter's soul
• acting impulsively - giving away possessions - like all of them or the prized possessions - or going on a huge once in a life time trip
• feeling a sense of strong anger, on the verge of or crossing over into a sense of RAGE
• threatening to hurt or kill themselves

Please remember that the firehouse might be the last place these behaviors surface.  Often times they are trying to hold on to what ever piece or normal that they can, and firefighting is just that - what is normal to them.  And they will fight to keep that.  If they are note "okay" they might lose that.

So, what is out there?  My goal is by summer to have a list of resources available on here for all 50 states.  Please feel free to email me if you can help with your local support system.  I would so appreciate it. 

In the mean time, here is what I have:

Nationally - United States:

• www.firestrong.org - developed by Phoenix Fire department
• Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
• National Depression Screening Project - 1-800-520-6373
• Safe Call now - 206-459-3020
• United Health Care "Care 24" - This is open to all UHC members - 888-887-4114
• IAFF Wellness Fitness Initiative

Locally - Milwaukee

• MFD Peer Support email
• City of Milwaukee EAP (414)286-3145
• Milwaukee County Crisis Unit 414-257-7222
• National Mental Health of Wisconsin (Free online, anonymous screening)

I will post the link to my list as I get it together.  For now, here is a start.

Wives, listen to your gut.  You may have to share your FF with the FD, but you still know him as well if not better than anyone else.  If something seems off, go with that and let yourself be wrong, if you are.  Enlist other FFs.  Contact me if you feel overwhelmed with the national contacts and I WILL find something closer to home, if not in your home department.  Reach out to your Ladies Auxiliary, to the other wives in your house or on your shift, check out Wife Behind the Fire, there are women who live the same life that you do readily available, almost 24/7.  You will never be alone.

Firefighters, you know when some thing if off.  Reach out, to your peer support team, your captain, your wife, your crew, one of these crisis lines.  Reach out to SOMEONE.  It is better to swallow your pride and admit that something is wrong and that it is not okay, you don't HAVE to just rub a little dirt on it, than to have leave behind your wife, kids, parents, department...all asking, "What did I miss? Why didn't he SAY something?"  

You are truly never alone in this world.

World Suicide Prevention Day

RIP - Cookie, they miss you more than you
could have ever realized.

It is today.  And sadly it is a very needed awareness day.  Suicide touched my life as a teen, coming up to a party (one I was supposed to be at earlier in the day) to find that it was a drinking party gone bad.  The image of him being brought out with a sheet over his body...and his brown bagged hand slipping off the gurney is forever embossed in my mind.  Most recently a student, came to my class and only my class and hung himself in the stairwell of the auditorium later in the day.  I have seen it professionally - how it impacts my kids.  I have seen it personally - how it breaks the hearts of those left behind.  WHY did I not see it earlier?  I could have done SOMETHING!  Why didn't he come to me, I would have helped? All of us who have been through a suicide, have asked those questions.

And now I am looking at it from a very different perspective.  That of a spouse of a firefighter.

My husband has suffered through depression for nearly all of adulthood.  There were periods of time where I had to force myself to think about how I would raise the boys alone, because it was a very real possibility. Through a TON of hard work, he is now at a place that he can not only cope and function with his depression, but can thrive and help others learn as well.  He is now working with the department to reach out to our firefighters, even when they cannot reach out for themselves.  They completed a department wide training that was VERY well received.  My husband was happy to back in front of a classroom, I think.  He has also continued his own training on HOW to meet these needs in the fire department.  And the training of the entire department will continue with a house by house training.  It is very real and they are taking it very seriously.

It makes me happy that they are addressing the elephant in the room.  I know it is uncomfortable and sometimes you feel like you can't breathe because of it.  But, none-the-less it still needs to be discussed.

Depression and suicide among emergency personnel is a very real issue.  Our department has had a rush of incidents that cried out for attention from the department as a whole and they have responded to it.  Our firefighters see things everyday that Chicago Fire would never dream of putting on prime time TV and they are expected to just be okay.  Many don't talk about it at home because they feel the need to protect US from the atrocities they see on a daily basis.  Many don't talk about it at work for a myriad of other reasons.  And often times work is the last place the depression is seen.  So many of our firefighters put all their effort into being "okay" at work, that when it is seen there, something REALLY has to be done. NOW.

fbha.org

These are the KNOWN numbers of firefighters who have taken their own lives.  They represent the broken hearts of the families and departments left behind.

As my husband has done his research, he has found that the go-to guy is Jeff Dill.  He is an assistant chief (I believe) out of southern Illinois, founder of Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance.  As I read through his data and information, it is quite staggering.  In the past 10 years, suicides among firefighters has surpassed the HUNDRED years prior.  Now, truth and accuracy department.  Suicide has not always been okay to talk about.  It still is uncomfortable and many families still don't address it.  These numbers reflect the REPORTED  suicides. 

So, as I started talking to my husband about this last night, he was more than happy to share his research with me.  Partially because he is always happy to know more about something than me, but also because he is so very passionate about this topic.  He has been where many of these firefighters are and knows how you cannot see that tomorrow can be any better than today.  He know how it feels to truly be without hope.  As I went through the suicide portion of his presentation, the numbers were staggering. The implications were huge.  And I had to step away from my computer.

I started to work on this last night, with my FF right next to me on the couch.  But I couldn't.  He had to be gone.  And here I am back at it, in an empty house where I can think through this.

There was one bullet in his presentation that will struck a chord with me - 

On the surface it contradicts the core beliefs of firefighting: Courage, Honor, Self-sacrifice, Confidence, Strength.

How true is that.  You feel like this is your only option and have no clue where to reach out and get help and yet it goes against every fiber of your being.  

We don't know the true numbers that reflect the prevalence of suicide in departments.  The recent suicide in Atlanta stuck with me for a very silly reason - we shared a first name.  There are just not that many Katrinas out there, that you don't hear it anytime it is mentioned.  Katrina Sims was only 24 years old and took her life at the firehouse.  In quarters! One of our own, here, recently took her own life, shaking the family to the core.  It is very real and hopefully the fire world as a whole will continue to bring awareness to her ranks.

Here is what the statistics of KNOWN firefighter suicides tell us.  Again, this does not include those that go unreported or attempted suicides.  An extreme example of attempted suicide was the Chicago firefighter recently shot by police in Mount Greenwood.  Suicide by Cop was his believed intention.  He thanked the Sgt. as he was loaded in the ambulance.  

So, the numbers...

• Most FF suicides have been active firefighters, under the age of 50.
• 70% were carried out by white males.
•  Majority were deaths by firearms.
• NINETY PERCENT suffered from one of the following conditions - depression, substance abuse, schizophrenia, bi-polar, anxiety, or other mood disorders/phobias.

We, as fire wives, are the most valuable resource our departments have in addressing the mental health needs and prevention of suicide among firefighters.  We see them without their game faces on.  We see them at their lowest points in the dark of night that comes to them in the middle of the day.  As much as we would like to believe the Brotherhood will lift them up, we are truly the ones on the front lines.

And so, how in the heck do we do that, you ask. 

Know your FF.  I can see that my firefighter is going to crash LONG before he can.  I know his triggers and his signs.  I also know I can point it out to him, without  fear of  him lashing out.  That has not always been the case, but that is where we are now.  I know how hard it is and it is easier to NOT get yelled at for bringing it to his attention, BUT it needs to be done.

Reach out to other firefighters in his circle.  They are his family, that makes them your family.  Find out who you can reach out to when you see that things are starting to spiral downward. 

Have the number for you EAP readily available.  Ask for it.  Call your union if your FF won't offer it.  In this day and age, Google is your friend in cases like this.  Counseling is often needed and sometimes it is better coming from you, sometimes it is better coming from another firefighter.  Again, only you know your FF that intimately.  

Love and support your firefighter.  If you get to this, you have reached the worse part of "for better or worse".  I will not sugar coat it, it will suck and drain your soul.  But, it is when they need us the most.  

Create a support network for YOURSELF.  As I said earlier, this journey is soul sucking.  Make sure your faith community is involved - for you, make sure your friends are there so YOU have someone to talk to.  If you need counseling because you are struggling to get through this - THAT IS OKAY!   Get the help you need, as well.   

Firefighters, if you think you are struggling, accept the help.  It is not a sign of weakness.  No one will question your skills.  It is a sign of your HUMANITY, which can be lost in this world you are part of.  There is always a better path than suicide, even if you can't see it.  Sometimes you have to let someone else in, no matter how hard it is or the fact that it totally scares the crap out of you.  Reach out to your wife, your boss, your brothers.  REACH OUT TO SOMEONE. You are not alone.

Resources -

• FireStrong.org has a great section regarding suicide.
• Again, Jeff Dill has an amazing site, please do check it out.  His questionnaire is something I wish I would have had all those years ago when my FF was struggling so desperately with his demons.

Your department's Employee Assistance Program - EAP.  Get this number, put it in your phone.  It varies from department to department, but I cannot stress that enough. 

So, today, we need to remember those who saw no other way out.  And we need to reach out to those who are struggling - in the fire service or not.  Depression and suicide is a very real issue that needs to be addressed, not ignored.  It is okay if the rescuers need to be rescued.  That is what we are all here.  Reach out, don't ignore the signs because it is easier.  Don't think you are bothering someone.  You and your firefighter are never alone.  That is the bottom line.

Peace.