Wednesday, April 30, 2014


I am not there, yet.

I am working on being supportive, but I am not okay with it. Not yet.

I keep telling myself that I will be.  I keep reading up on things, because that is how this damaged brain settles itself - through the discovery and expansion of knowledge.  I know it sounds backwards and I truly do attribute that to the insane degree of damage and subsequent rewiring of my brain.  I need to read up and ask and learn in order to be okay with it.

And I am doing that, because I need to.
Why would I be anymore freaked out about him being on the TEMS team, as compared to "just" a firefighter?  It is not as though the risk as any less than a roof collapsing or a floor caving in.  I have seen the images of the FFs bailing from the house moments before a flashover or explosion.  I am not sure why.  I don't have an answer. I can only guess it is fear of the unknown.

Perhaps that is what I am searching for. Perhaps I just need to fill that file in my brain with enough information that it is no longer searching for more. I don't know for certain.

A former police officer who I have become friends with recently told me that he refused to speak with his wife about work and told her, point blank, to never ask again.  I could never have that happen.  It is part of your world.  He is a HUGE part of my world.  Therefore it is part of my world.  (Didja see that, Pythagoras would be proud.) It is a part of my world.

Random TEMS patch, not ours
I searched the screen for his box at the temple shooting, I won't have to look, if there is a next time. I will already know.

I want him to talk to me about the theories and the various case studies they are going through.  I want to understand and be comfortable with their training.  I know, most of their runs are simply serving warrants, but, what about the other times? I want to TRUST that he will have every bit of training possible to make sure he comes home to me, no matter where his work takes him.

So, until then, my response was to request a TEMS patch - to sew on to the whole the dogs chewed in my brand new backpack, looking for the imaginary food I was CLEARLY keeping in there.  If for nothing else but to keep a part of him with me while I work through this.

Go love on those FFs or call the ones who are on shift.  I am working on not muffling the muppets, at the moment.  I think common sense has left the compound.  Have a happy humpday, everyone!

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