Thursday, May 8, 2014

Say What You Need to Say

We all know that I don't have a filter that works well.  If I can't quickly think of a politically correct way to say something, I usually just don't say anything.  I often blurt out brainstorming ideas, before I have thought them through.  Sometimes that is out of excitement.  Sometimes it is because I need to get it out, before it gets lost in the abyss that is found in the damaged short term memory sector of my fried brain...never to be seen again.

Some (though very few) people totally get it.  Most others I offend quickly and they don't stay in my life long.  They don't appreciate/like/understand my blunt, straight forward nature.  Sometimes they just don't know how to talk to me.  My FF reminds me regularly that I am an intimidating figure, because I am so forthright. 

I bounce things off of my husband, he is my filter.  He understands that my brain believes that sugar coating is for cookies and that sometimes he needs to help me add that aspect to my verbiage.  He brings humanity (and sometimes compassion) to my technical brain.  I am not wired like anyone else - literally.  The damage was so severe at such a young age, that my skills and components are in different parts of my brain than other people.  I don't always fit in.

Some days I feel as though I don't fit anywhere and there is just aren't enough people that either understand me or accept me just as I am. That perhaps the greater good that I am trying to reach out and achieve is just not feasible.  That perhaps, just maybe, I should stay in my little portion of the universe and spend more time enjoying my muppets and less time trying to save the world.  My kids, my husband, my world.  They know my flaws and accept me as I am.  Perhaps, that safety net is where I need to stay.  Perhaps, I am not meant for the bigger portion of the world.  

Not everyone is as bold as me.  I know that.  Not everyone knows that I can be addressed on anything, because I respect that you say what you need to say.  Instead of asking what I meant in my moment of excitement, people spoke with other people and I offended more people.

When all I tried to do was a mend a few bridges and possibly make sure that someone would possibly feel less alone, when life causes them feel totally alone - it blew up in my face.  I was being straight forward in my thinking and sharing it...and suddenly there was an explosion.  Suddenly, I was not thinking of others.  Suddenly, I had hurt everyone's feelings.  Suddenly I had no idea how I had offended so many people so quickly, when I shared one idea after a 5 minute phone call, in the literal moment before my next class came in. 

Suddenly, I realized that I am not a creature that belongs with her own kind...because there is no such thing.  I am weird.  I am different.  I am not like anyone else.  My brain is damaged.  There are images to prove it.  It does not work the same way as everyone else's.  And the rest of the world does not always accept that I am not like anyone else.  No matter how hard I try.  I will never be like everyone else.

It is a bit of an isolating epiphany.

Maybe it is NOT better to say too much.  Perhaps, it is better to truly say nothing at all.  


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