Waiting Through the Fear

Today is not a Green shift. There was no trade on. There was no red flu. And yet my FF is not here. I finished up the Christmas shopping by myself, which was not in the plans. I continue the cookies alone.  My FF and I were supposed to be doing that. We were supposed to enjoy this day as mom and dad, as husband and wife.  And yet he is not here. I am wrapping the presents he said he would tend to, simply because it gives me something to focus on. Lord knows social and main stream media were not leaving me be.

He is on lock down - last I heard - at the firehouse.  No shopping. No gas. They are on lock down. 

And I am TERRIFIED that he won't be coming home. 

Fires do not scare me, I completely trust his training and his company. Stray bullets make me uncomfortable, but I don't have nightmares about them. 

Mobs. Anger. Riots. SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME! 

Two police officers were just shot and killed. NYPD, my heart bleeds for you. I literally have been sleeping my my FDNY t-shirt trying to send my love to New York.

I am angry at my community. My kids could die and there would be no public out cry. 21 of my kids have died - TWENTY-ONE - through violence or their own hands.  And where was all this attention. They were young and black. THEIR LIVES MATTERED. And yet, there was no outcry. 

I KNOW that our mental health needs are HUGE. I know that there is a SIGNIFICANT portion of our homeless population that is need of mental health attention. I taught psych last year and three weeks dedicated to the mental health needs of OUR homeless population. I KNOW we are tending to them properly. 

But, that does not mean that we as spouses of first responders need to worry about John Q. Public walks up to one of our own and kills them for no reason other the fact that they are public servants. 

Pigs.

Public demands for their heads on pikes. Did they do anything? Do they not deserve to come back home to their families? 

A life for a life? Someone sent me a nasty gram quoting good old Hammurabi. Bad move. YOU  FORGOT I AM A HISTORY TEACHER! I teach that Code in GREAT detail. But, if you are going to quote that and say we need to go back to it, please realize that there are HUGE class and gender differences that speak in direct CONTRAST to what this mission should be.

Life matters.

All of them.

They should ALL matter to ALL of us.

His life matters to me. He is my sun and my moon. He is my love. And I want him to come home safe to me.

I pulled out that DAMN NOTEBOOK, just in case. I don't want to have to look for it. But, WHY should I have to? Why should I not trust the people of my city to treat him with the same compassion and peace that he treats so many of them with, every 48 hours. 

Let him come home, to me.  To his Muppets.

I wait...

Hug those FFs tight. Nothing is promised.

Empty Cradles

It breaks my heart and infuriates me all at the same time.  And I am feeling guilty.  Feeling like I dropped the ball.

Milwaukee - known for Laverne and Shirley, Happy Days, beer and brats,  and an infant mortality rate that rivals 3rd world and developing nations.  Many of the babies are born early (often due to lack of proper prenatal care), many are born to impoverished families, some had parents who decided to drink and share a bed with them and they all leave us far too soon.  And in most cases their loss can be prevented.

Now, when I first began this crusade, I ended up being lambasted by those touting the long lasting bonds that have been formed because of co-sleeping.  It is always a choice - it is not a law.  I personally am NOT on that bandwagon.  My children slept in their own bed from day 1.  Partially because I was following the recommendations of the medical community and partially because I wanted to be sure my kids could sleep without me - in their own beds.  I also know there are safety measures that can be put in place to reduce the risks for those who choose to co-sleep - co-sleepers for the side of the bed that allow mom easy access, but still give baby their own space; bassinets, pack-n-plays, etc.  BUT - in most of these cases that Milwaukee has seen - it ends up that there are things that COULD HAVE BEEN DONE.  Google "Milwaukee Infant Deaths"  and you will be surprised (and sickened) at the results.  It is even making news in France.

Parents/caregivers SHOULD NEVER share a bed if there are over tired, sick and taking meds that cause drowsiness, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  Comforters and pillows, other children - more no-nos.  The Milwaukee Fire Department has a pack and play on their trucks and engines for any calls they go to and notice there is a baby, but no crib.  St. Joseph's hospital has a program where you can literally walk in with your baby and they will give you a pack n play.  There are several organizations working with mothers who cannot afford the cribs to allow them a safe sleeping environment for their babies.  They just have to ask.

Here is where I dropped the ball.  Last year, I started a blog, Twitter and Facebook page called Pleasant Dreams, Sleep Tight.  The whole purpose was education and community involvement.  Then the summer came and all the kids were home, the MFD  Class of 07-26-2010 hit us full force, the boys and started at a new school and then I started working to acclimate to fire life and it totally slipped my mind - until we started losing more babies. 

I have lost sleep, I have had guilt hit me like you would not believe.  My husband feels I am being silly, what could I do - go house to house checking for cribs?  And in all reality, I do have to take care of my family first.  But, what if I used some of those sleepless nights and kept up with the mission I had started?  What if one of these moms happened across one of the pages? What if? What if? What if?

So, my Crusade is back on.  If one baby is saved...you know the spiel.  No more empty cradles, no more lives cut short when their death could have been prevented.