Waiting Through the Fear

Today is not a Green shift. There was no trade on. There was no red flu. And yet my FF is not here. I finished up the Christmas shopping by myself, which was not in the plans. I continue the cookies alone.  My FF and I were supposed to be doing that. We were supposed to enjoy this day as mom and dad, as husband and wife.  And yet he is not here. I am wrapping the presents he said he would tend to, simply because it gives me something to focus on. Lord knows social and main stream media were not leaving me be.

He is on lock down - last I heard - at the firehouse.  No shopping. No gas. They are on lock down. 

And I am TERRIFIED that he won't be coming home. 

Fires do not scare me, I completely trust his training and his company. Stray bullets make me uncomfortable, but I don't have nightmares about them. 

Mobs. Anger. Riots. SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME! 

Two police officers were just shot and killed. NYPD, my heart bleeds for you. I literally have been sleeping my my FDNY t-shirt trying to send my love to New York.

I am angry at my community. My kids could die and there would be no public out cry. 21 of my kids have died - TWENTY-ONE - through violence or their own hands.  And where was all this attention. They were young and black. THEIR LIVES MATTERED. And yet, there was no outcry. 

I KNOW that our mental health needs are HUGE. I know that there is a SIGNIFICANT portion of our homeless population that is need of mental health attention. I taught psych last year and three weeks dedicated to the mental health needs of OUR homeless population. I KNOW we are tending to them properly. 

But, that does not mean that we as spouses of first responders need to worry about John Q. Public walks up to one of our own and kills them for no reason other the fact that they are public servants. 

Pigs.

Public demands for their heads on pikes. Did they do anything? Do they not deserve to come back home to their families? 

A life for a life? Someone sent me a nasty gram quoting good old Hammurabi. Bad move. YOU  FORGOT I AM A HISTORY TEACHER! I teach that Code in GREAT detail. But, if you are going to quote that and say we need to go back to it, please realize that there are HUGE class and gender differences that speak in direct CONTRAST to what this mission should be.

Life matters.

All of them.

They should ALL matter to ALL of us.

His life matters to me. He is my sun and my moon. He is my love. And I want him to come home safe to me.

I pulled out that DAMN NOTEBOOK, just in case. I don't want to have to look for it. But, WHY should I have to? Why should I not trust the people of my city to treat him with the same compassion and peace that he treats so many of them with, every 48 hours. 

Let him come home, to me.  To his Muppets.

I wait...

Hug those FFs tight. Nothing is promised.