We have had a rash of LODDs in recent weeks, it seems. Following our Honor Guard and their service to the fallen at Prescott, makes all more real. These were husbands, sons, fathers, boyfriends and best friends. They could have been the FF sitting next to you or his buddy from the academy.
And that is what scares us. We all know about it. We all have it creep into our minds when we hear about a greater alarm fire. And we all push it away.
But it is still a possibility. Close calls happen more than our FFs share, especially if there is not a news crew on scene to catch film of a FF jumping out a window just as the flash over hits. It is the nature of the beast.
Knowing this and knowing that I am SUCH a control freak, I have a plan in place. Now, know that even the best laid plans are doomed to fail. But I need to have some sense of control, when things seem like they are spinning out of control. And so I have my notebook. I have written about it before.
Some notes about it - I have added it to a binder, with sheet covers and a three hole punch in it. I have ordered extra copies of our marriage license and put a copy of the kids' birth certificates in there. Another contact to add to it - the Public Safety Officer Benefit. More paperwork, but the benefit at this point is $328,000.
This was probably the hardest post I have or will have written. I was honored when Lori at FirefighterWife.com asked, but overwhelmed all at the same time. I was going to be opening my heart and soul at its very barest and most vulnerable moment - to the entire cyber world. I did it and she published it yesterday. I had no clue it was actually out there until my Facebook notifications were blowing up. I was dishing out hot dogs and brats while flirting with the old retired guys at our Muster. When I stopped home to get the girls, it was there. And it still hit me hard to see it published. I was not going to post about it here, but after chatting with my lovely fellow FFW blogger and friend, She's Fully Involved, I figured I should help get this out to as many FFWs as I can.
Read through it, bookmark it, make it your own. Read it while he's at the gym and the kids are on a play date, but probably not while he's on shift. I was fighting the tears skimming through it this morning (avoiding this post I am writing now) and I wrote the dang thing.
Your plan, is your plan. It does not have to look like my plan. Just have a plan. And know that your department, your auxiliary and the rest of the fire world will be there with you.
For now, if your FF is home, spend the day with him - no matter how boring. Hang out with him while he's mowing the lawn, run errands with him, take pictures while he plays catch with the kids, go for a walk, whatever. If he's on shift, just send a text letting him know that he crossed your mind. Share that love today, tomorrow is definitely not promised. Peace and love to you guys.
I was watching one of my many crime dramas, since I had time to catch up on my over-full DVR, and there was a police wife having to ID her husband's body. And she talks about how she has always waited for this day. Later in the episode a pregnant police wife falls apart in regards to THAT phone call. I have thought about that THAT phone call, actually THAT knock on the door. The one I probably won't be able to answer. I have thought long and hard about it. How I will handle it, who I will call, how I will react, how I will go on.
Now, you must understand, I am a Type-A personality. You'd never know it, looking at my house some days, but even the best strategists know when the battle is no longer worth fighting. I have lists for my lists. I never go shopping without my Cozi list. My terms are planned out by unit, in mid-summer. I have everything planned out. I even have a Secret List. With every sympathy card I have sent to a wife or family of a FF who died in the line of duty, I add to my list. Things that I don't want to forget when I can't remember my own name. Things that are important, but will seem like nothing if that day comes.
I have that knock on my door planned out, written out. I have names and numbers. I have who is supposed to tend to my kids, so I can tend to my husband. I have notes for things my husband has mentioned in passing or at other funerals for his service. I have notes, numbers, lists and even a note reminding me to breathe, literally - I know I will forget. I want to be able to tend to things, even if I am going on auto-pilot. Even the most magnificent robot works best if there are good instructions.
Now, statistics are on my side. MFD has only lost two firefighters and one recruit since I was in daycare. They are an amazing department. BUT...that does not mean it is never going to happen. That explosion last year where we had FFs jumping out of the window moments before the explosion, reminds us not to get too comfortable with our firefighters in those structures. Even the best laid plans...even the best trained firefighters...
It is not an enjoyable conversation to have, but be sure to have it. Look into a living will for your FF, but also for you. If you can't make your wishes known, how will anyone know? Make your voice heard and be sure your FF's voice is heard, if, God forbid, the time ever comes.
But, until then, enjoy your firefighters and your families. Say what you need to say, before you can't say it. Live life, even if it is not how you planned it.
Be sure to remind your firefighter to come home safe and that they are never alone.
