Revisiting "The Notebook"

I have had a few FFWs reach out to me about a post I wrote  for firefighterwife.com in 2013.

It was probably the hardest and most emotional post I have written.

Revisiting it, that hasn't changed. I haven't looked at it beyond packing it up for the move, in over a year. I guess it was time to take a look, again.

That Knock on the Door – LODD Preparation for a Firefighter Wife

Knowing that I will be a total and complete disaster, I have made a list.  My Secret List.  I have it in a ordinary notebook on my dressing table.  It is not pretty.  It looks like it could be my kids’.  I don’t share it.  I don’t talk about it.  My hands shake whenever I pull it out.  My FF knows I have it, but does not know what it looks like. It has some links and some notes.  My list comes from questions that I have asked him – sometimes on the sly and sometimes rather blatant.

A composition notebook that could be in any backpack in the world…

but, it is my secret notebook.

It has print outs from the local and from the IAFF.  It has spots for scripture passages, pall bearers and speakers.  I have the contact information for the cemetery – luckily we already have a place in a family plot.  I know that the department will take care of much of the details for me when it comes to the actual service, but there is so much we don’t ever think about.

So, without all of the specifics of my notebook, simply because I will never make it through this post with all of the tears, here are some links and lists I have to work from.

The first page I have written – BREATHE and CRY AS MUCH AS YOU NEED. In big bold letters.  I need to give myself that permission rather than try to play the stoic statue.  I need that permission.  You might too, or perhaps you are comfortable enough, but here’s where you put anything that will help you get through that initial shock.

The next page is a list of numbers and people I want each person to call for me, so that I don’t have to rehash the loss verbally quite so much.  His parents – with all of their numbers, with a note for them to call their family and friends.  My parents – with a note to call each of their perspective families.

I also have the kids’ school numbers there.  I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that would be – trying to manage my grief while breaking such heartbreaking news and watching their world crumble in an instant.  But I digress…

The next number is my firefighter wife next door – cell and work, and her Lt’s number – again, even though he would probably already know.  Chances are, since our FFs work the same shift, she would probably be right there when I got the news.  She would see that department SUV pull up, but just in case, I have them readily accessible.

I also have a few firefighter wives that are not local, but are on this list as well.

I have his partner’s number and his Battalion Chief’s cell number and the Union President’s number and email.  Again, they would all know what happened (probably before me), but if I have a question or  need help with something, I don’t have to search to try and find them.

I have two funeral homes – one close to the Basilica and one my family has used forever – their numbers and a contact person at each.  I also have the number for our parish with this list, with the extension for each of the priests.  The Basilica is a most beautiful place to say good-bye.

The cemetery – their fax number and phone number – made it to my list.

Make this list your own.  Be sure you have a go to person.  One who can take calls when you can’t. One who can organize meals for your family and help spread information.  You might want to make them your number one call just so you have someone to lean on.

I have an entire packet from our IAFF Local printed out and highlighted/marked up.

If needed, call (866) 736-5868 to request help from the National Fallen Firefighters Foundation’s Local Assistance State Team (LAST).

No matter what, you are never alone!

Funeral and Burial Plans
This is probably the hardest part of my notebook to discuss – mainly because I have asked him some of these questions and others are just too painful.  I have asked what scripture passages he wants (to which he shrugged his shoulders and so I have put some ideas of my own in to share with the priests) and music.  One of the songs we sang at a friend’s father’s funeral in college, and so it breaks my heart every time I hear it, is one he would like.  Mental note to myself – get a copy of the sheet music.

Class As – if your firefighter does not have one for burial purpose’s Lighthouse Uniform will provide one for free for Fallen FFs.  If you have a local uniform distributor, check with them.  Local is always easier during these hard times.

Wedding ring – I wear his ring a third of the time.  It is important to me.  I will have his wedding ring on his hand for the services, but I will ask to have it removed before burial.  I have a plain titanium ring that I bought him for work – which he doesn’t wear – that I will probably replace it with.  It is important to me that he have a ring with him when we part ways in this world.

Burial – I have a folder of pictures that I will have printed out for his casket.  If I don’t send him into a fire without pictures of us with him in his helmet, how I can I send him on to the next life without them.  This set of pictures is constantly changing.  I have a note in my notebook with their location, but it is not on my laptop to keep my husband shielded from them.

I also want to make sure he his buried with his St. Florian’s Medal and his half of our Mizpah coin. When I touch my half of the coin while he is on shift, it reminds me to say a prayer that he stays safe. When we are separated by death, it will continue to remind me to say a prayer.

A BIGGER question for burial is does he want to be buried?  Would he prefer cremation?  We have one plot.  I will be cremated and under the headstone.  He will be buried.  Not easy questions and oh so awkward to even bring up.  But, easier to know ahead of time.

Music – Speak with your FF, does he have a hymn that he has loved since he was a child.  My husband and I met in our college choir and we did many pieces of sacred music that we fell in love with.  Just as an example I have John Rutter’s The Lord is My Shepherd  and Franz Biebel’s Ave Maria included in my list.  No celebration of my husband’s life could be complete without these pieces that were such a big piece of his life.  But, this also means you need to make arrangements with your church, parish or funeral home for musicians if they are not in your close circle of friends.

Keep that in mind, also.

Readings – If you are at a loss for readings, there are several funeral planning guides out there for the general public.  I have the Memphis Diocese’s Planning a Catholic Funeral bookmarked and I looked at a United Church of Christ guide, but there are so many others.  Don’t feel you HAVE to be this specific.  Your spiritual leader has done this many many times and will be of great assistance to you in your time of need.  I just know that I am a control freak who will be out of control.  I will need this much detail to feel quasi-comfortable.  As with all of this information, do what works best for YOU.

This is just my plan.  Feel free to use it as a starting point, but it does not have to be a replica for your plan.

Readers and speakers – I have not yet asked him about this.  Who do you want to speak?  It can be a joint decision or just leave it up to him or have people in mind should the need arise.  Make a note and be sure to add their phone numbers to your phone list.

Photographer – I would like one.  The images might be more than the kids and I can take at that moment in time, but they will eventually be a beautiful reminder of a beautiful service commemorating a beautiful life.  Your department might just provide one. PLEASE be sure to check with you church or parish BEFORE the service.  Many are okay with photographers as long as no flash is used, but you want to be certain.

Pall Bearers – Another list of people I have not been able to ask him about.  Does he want our oldest son, both boys or none of the above?  Only if they are adults? Only FFs or family as well?  I am sure there is a protocol for an LODD, but I want to make sure that I have his input.

Badges – When my FF retires, he wants to give each of our muppets (our nickname for our lovely children) a set of replica badges – one of each level he achieved in the department.  For my funeral plan section, I thought it would be a nice touch to give each of the Muppets a replica of his current badge, as well as a mini shield key ring  from his current helmet shield.

ME – I have a note to make sure someone makes appointments for me to get my hair and make-up done.  I am not going to be able to stop crying long enough to put on mascara, so I am hoping someone else doing it will be enough of a distraction that we can get through that part.

Paperwork
I have taken the section of the Survivor’s guide that provides a Contact Form (p. 15) and printed out several copies of that.  You need to know who you are talking to, about what and when.  This just makes it so much easier to recall.  You are going to be calling sooooo many people.

Along with these, you will need death certificates.  The  guide suggests that you get 20, I have a note to get 25.  It is cheaper to get them en masse than it is to order a few more at a later time.  Make a list of all the places  that will require this – banks, insurance, etc.  And then order extras.

This is such a personal issue, please read through this section of the guide carefully.  It does indeed vary by where you are in life.  Make sure to research what benefits you are entitled to, through your department, state and the federal government.  There are many scholarship opportunities for children of firefighters who gave all, please take advantage of them.

One Last Thing…

The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone.  No matter how you feel like you are on a desolate island, all by yourself, you are never alone. Your family, your department and firewives from around the world are here to lean on.  Please be sure you reach out any of these resources, even if you only need to hear that things will be okay.

Don’t let this overwhelm you.  Don’t try and plan this all in one day.  Take to your firefighter and your family.  Simply know that there is a reference that is available for you in your time of need.
Love those firefighters like there is no tomorrow.  Don’t waste a single minute.

From Firefighterwife.com

So, some of the things I have added in here since I wrote this post, nearly three years ago...

• I bought him a Thin Red Line Qalo ring earlier this winter. I want to make sure that he is buried in that ring after we switch out the diamond ring. I want that small part of me to stay with him. If that ring is damaged, I have the company's number in case I need to replace it.
• Now that he is on the TEMS team, I would like his TEMS gear there and I will request that their SUV be in the procession behind his Engine.

• Marriage License - I am SO slacking on this one! When we got married, we never got a copy of our license. We he came on the job in 2010, we needed to get a copy so that I could be carried on his insurance. And I never thought to get a second or third copy. I need to get that and get it in my Notebook. I have one of our wedding pictures in there to attempt to remind me to head up to that courthouse.

• Prayer Cards - I have to talk to him about that...as I sit with another FF's prayer card on my dresser.
• Music that he has mentioned in the last few years has been added, along with specific readings.
• Phone numbers - They change more frequently than you would think. I just made sure that I updated them, several of them were out of date.
• Our oldest - He is active in our Explorers program. He is planning on following in his father's footsteps. If he is a cadet or on the job, that had a whole other dynamic to this discussion - for both of them.

Please don't be afraid to reach out if there is anything with this you'd like to talk about. If you have ideas for what should be added, please let me know. I know there is probably more. Make this work for you.

Have a good day. Have the tough talk. Reach out to those around you. Kiss that firefighter.

Peace. 

All a Matter of...

Perspective...

Time...

Motivation...

We always place things into a box that makes whatever it is feel like everything will be okay. We remind ourselves that there is always someone else who is worse off than we are. We remind ourselves that there are families that would love to have the ability to struggle with their kids over getting their rooms clean. We consider the fact that there are people literally starving, while we are complaining that there is "nothing" in the house.

I find myself doing a lot of that lately. Mostly for good cause. I need to remind myself of how good I actually have it. I need to remind myself that work is what makes it amazing. I will be missing the chaos of 4 kids going in 4 different directions sooner than I think. A year ago, I wasn't sure I would be around to complain about everything.

And I remind myself of that, daily. Sometimes hourly. 

I am still here. Exhausted. Frustrated. Loved. Here.

But I also remind myself that it is okay to be human. I don't always have to wear my Superwoman UnderRoos. Especially at work,  I really need to learn that it is okay to ask people to help you carry the load. I need to remember that I don't need to make change happen all by myself. There are a ton of people who can help make that happen. I don't have to save the world single-handedly. There are a ton of super heroes just waiting for me not to be a control freak. If I fail, I just head back to the drawing board to analyze what worked and what didn't. And from there, you build your next game plan. From there, you come back stronger.

I failed this weekend. My on-line format for my classes was going through a major update and I could not get it to play nicely until Monday morning - 2nd hour. I did not get any of the grading done that I wanted to. As a teacher I failed. I didn't understand that their update meant such a headache for me. I figured two hours of no access, in the dark of night and then all would be well with the morning light. I know better than that. It was so not the case and I failed. And yet, my classroom is still standing and my kids were still goofy. Life went on, even with my imperfection. AMAZING.

There were two TVs because we can't find the
base for the one on the stand. Sigh.
It is in a box.

But, I did get the common areas of the house unpacked and my walls are no longer bare. My lovely FF is currently working on my office (He is that amazing) AND we all got the Halloween decorations up, The kids had so much fun with that. We are taking this big (to us) house and trying turn it into our home. And that is all that matters. 

We got the curtains hung this weekend because I felt like singing
"I'll Be Watching You" in a minor key every time I walked
past the window during the dark of night.

The meetings that seem to control my day, will still be there. But my kids will not. They will move on to their lives, separate from our home. 

Home. Hopefully they will always see this house as home. Hopefully the teenagers will keep wanting to hang out here. Hopefully this will be filled with the chaos of toddlers again, someday. Home is where the heart is. Boxes and meetings, they are part of life. They keep the lights on and the comforts going. Those are just the details.  The big picture includes Ghosts in the Graveyard and giggles at the table. The big picture is what we make it and what we remember.

It is all a matter of making it memorable.  They won't remember the boxes that seemed to stay piled up forever, they will remember the movies and the giggles and the running around. Memories.

Memories make the home, not the zip code.

Dreams take Work

Anything worth having is worth working for. Right? No matter the fatigue factor or the exhaustion. No matter the stress or the time. If it is worth it.

As we move AGAIN and into our final, forever home, I am reminding myself of this. It is FINALLY in the neighborhood we have been looking at for YEARS. It is FINALLY large enough for our big family. It was totally unexpected, totally not where we were going with things, but totally PERFECT for us. And so it is worth it.

I am hoping to make our 2600 sq. ft. storage unit look like a home soon. I found my makeup this morning - first world issue for sure. But that allowed some comfort. I don't know where my comforter and sheets are, but I will find them before the cold sets in. There is an extra refrigerator in the middle of my kitchen, as we work to make room for one down in the game room that is currently full of boxes. I am hoping to make that space become usable soon. I am hoping to find stuff soon.

I am hoping to be able to wash clothes soon. We just bought an AMAZING new washer dryer set. LOVELY. 9.0 cu. ft. gas dryer...in my all electric house. Sigh...so we ran to Sears...and bought a new electric dryer for my all electric house...because that expensive new dryer is cheaper than busting up the concrete slab that the laundry room sits on to make that happen. SO...if you need a gas dryer - that I would never have gotten rid of...hit me up.

I am hoping to be able to enjoy life, most of all. I am reminding myself, that this time of work and stress and headaches, will be worth it when my whole family can sit at the same table, in the same room for Thanksgiving. It will be worth it when there is space for my kids to come home with their families and spend the night. It will be worth when I am the grandma and I can steal all of my grandkids for the weekend and they can all stay with me.

It is so worth it.

Sleep can wait. Grey's can wait. Grading can...oh wait. Sigh, still need to do that. I love this house. Now, I need to find it beneath all the boxes and tubs.  It is there, our home, somewhere. I'll do a tour for you soon. Who knows, maybe, I'll give you the box tour tonight. ;)

Happy Wednesday!

Women!

I wish I understood them.  

I wish I could reason with them, but instead, I clearly speak another language.  

I describe myself as a guy with boobs.  I watch sports and drink beer.  I am quick tempered, you have to let me blow up and then it is done. I HATE wearing dresses, I hate buying them even more.  I bought 2 purses this week and that was newsworthy.  (Although, purely out of necessity - one for a more formal dinner, when my FF was on shift and I did not have access to his pockets for lip gloss, license, keys and ATM card.  It is barely larger than my phone.  The other purse was his idea while we snuck away to the mall for an hour - to keep my epi pen.  Picky, picky!)  Heels and make up are fine, but I am not doing my hair and I am wearing jeans.  I have no patience for pettiness and have always fought for girls and women to be treated as equals.  My boys had baby dolls and my girls have trucks.  There is nothing you can or cannot do based on the gender you were born with.  Follow your dreams and your heart.  I have tried to instill that into my kids, both at school and at home.  

But that does not make me a fan of women.

We do not raise each other up, we tear each other up.  We are fearful and jealous.  We are afraid to tap into our own confidence and build ourselves and those around us up from there.  Trying something new is not always on our radar, the fear of failure holds us back. When I hear women worried about females in the firehouse, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "WHAT ABOUT YOUR FIREFIGHTER?  WHY NOT BE PISSED AT HIM FOR NOT SAYING 'I'M MARRIED.  LEAVE ME ALONE!' " It takes two to tango.  If you are worried about your FF, your marriage has issues bigger than a female FF.  We, as women, do not like to see other women surpass us.  Instead of using that as incentive to strive for our goals, we pull down the mountain that she built and then climbed, in spite of everyone telling her she'll never do it - brick, by brick.  We as women fear being compared and deemed inadequate.  Our breasts are too small, our waistlines too big.  We are not blonde enough or tall enough or pretty enough.  Our house is not clean enough.  We don't juggle it all - work, kids, marriage, love - with as much grace and style as our neighbor.  We, for whatever reason, are in a CONSTANT state of competition with each other.  

But, it hit a whole new low yesterday and my blood boiled.  I was not part of it, I was not privy to it.  Instead it was 2nd hand gossip.  So, I cannot quote it.  BUT, I can tell you that even the smallest portion of it was true, it was so far out of line, that I cannot begin to excuse such behavior.  

Playing on a fire wive's fear of the unmentionable to get them to side with you. 

Telling them they would be alone when their world was crumbling down.

I acknowledge, I was not there.  But, I cannot image the low that these women must have felt that such a thing would be said or even alluded to.  

It makes me want to puke and it breaks my heart, all at the same time.

Why are we not building each other up?

Why are we not celebrating the victories - both large and small?

Why are we not teaching our daughters that women support, where girls compete?

We are so hard on the guys; why are we not hard on our own?  

Step up.  

Build up.  Build bridge and mountains and climb to the top.  The view is beautiful!

Grief from Afar

Two more firefighters lost.  It sends off a swell of beautiful, heartfelt images.

Source: Boston Fire on Twitter – @BostonFire

I should be in bed, but the sound of an engine flying down the street woke me up, my FF never flinched.  From there, the usually comforting sound of his CPAP is just not allowing me to go back to sleep, so I write.

The "what-ifs" and "I can't even imagines" have begun to creep into my mind.  We all know all too well that we do indeed imagine...every time this news hits.  I am not sure why we lir to ourselves.  We put ourselves in the wife's shoes.  Every single one of us.  

I have honestly been trying to avoid the world of LODDs.  I haven't sent cards quite as religiously as I had before.  It was more than I could process while keeping all of the other balls in the air going.

Clearly, my avoiding it did not serve as a very good cease and desist.  There was no purpose to my avoidance.

I have no words.  I have no advice.  I can't even think where to go with this this.  I am not sure why it is bugging me so much.  But clearly it is and hence the reason why I am on this blog, when I should be allowing my brain to recuperate. 

There is a family left behind to go through this.  Forged both in blood and fire.  One of the FFs left behind a wife and three kids. The other was a Marine.  He served his country and his community. There were real people under those lids and SCBA with real lives.  I hope the families can take come comfort in knowing how many lives have been touched by their dedication and sacrifice.

I got an email earlier this week from A. Nonymous...upset that I was losing my focus as a FFW blogger and yapping too much about my classroom.  This is a blog that is supposed to focus on the life involved with being married to a firefighter.  Guess what, my classroom is part of my life being married to a firefighter. It is part of my soul and therefore part of his life as well.   I am the sum of all my parts, as I said earlier with a flurry of complaints that were a complete 180. People were upset that I was losing myself as I transitioned into their world of being married to a FF.  Now, they don't want to hear about my mundane part of life. 

Guess what, I would rather be writing about my classroom right now.  I hate writing about this.  I hate researching who the people were behind the symbols of grief that flood social media.  I hate looking for those left behind.  I hate knowing that there are hearts breaking and lives being turned on their ears and there is not a damn thing that I can do about it.  

An entire community mourns, an entire family - spanning the globe mourns.  We can all put ourselves in that situation and feel those emotions as real and as raw as it was us.  The difference is, we can shake it off and know that is okay.  For Boston, there are people that will spend the rest of their lives trying to shake it off and accept that this is real. 

And here is where I kick myself in the arse for not replenishing my card stock because I did not want to deal with it.  Deal with what?  Sounds so silly and self centered, doesn't it.  Guess who will be hitting the Hallmark aisle to grab some more to keep on hand.  That would be this girl.  There is no excuse for not letting a family know they're not alone through all of this.  Letting then know that there is a whole other family that is willing to help in anyway possible, even if it is just a late night conversation when the demons come in the dark of night. I have never had a family or spouse take me up on it, but that does not mean it is okay for me not to make that offer.  Hypocritical, for certain, as I sit her writing and chatting with 3 other FFWs during the course of this post.

To the families and loved ones of Lt. Edward J. Walsh, 43, of West Roxbury -- a father of three -- and Firefighter Michael R. Kennedy, 33, of Hyde Park, a U.S. Marine veteran - know our love, support and fallen tears are with you. Say the word and we will make sure you are not alone.  We can't bring your FFs back home to you, but just about anything else is possible.  To the men and women of the Boston Fire Department, our hearts break with yours.  PLEASE reach out for any support you might need.  PLEASE take advantage of the grief services offered to you.  It is the least that can be offered to you.

Kiss those FFs, hug 'em tight.  I have to be up in 3 1/2 hours, so I am off to join mine.

Peace, love and prayers...

I am Truly Humbled

I am truly hunbled by the fire family.

They never cease to amaze me.

The fire service tells you at orientation that it is a family, a brotherhood, that they take care of their own when the need arises.  Whether it be through personal tragedies or loss in the line of duty, it makes no difference.  They are there for one of their own.

I have seen this first hand - all for the need of books.

Earlier this month, I put out a plea for help.  I developed a DonorsChoose.org project in order to fill the void of our over stretched budget.  I simply wanted to see if they would help me spread the word that there was a need for books - written at an age appropriate level AND an appropriate reading level.  That is a bit of a challenge given how many of my kids are nearing adulthood and still struggling.  Graphic Novels were my answer.  I was truly hoping that my social media contacts are wide reaching and I was hoping they would help me spread the word and perhaps a wealthy philanthropist - Oprah, Bill Gates, etc - would sweep in, take pity and help build my department library.

Instead it was the fire community that took the charge and was first on scene.  My fire wives led the charge.  They spread the word on Facebook and donated from their hearts.  My first nine benefactors were firewives.  I was literally moved to tears and cannot begin to put my emotions to words.  Some FFWs rallied their friends and families to help out.  They were there for me.  Some were virtual strangers and some I have been blessed to meet in person.  They are my sisters in fire and were there for me from the word GO!

A little closer to home, one of our local Lts. took it upon himself to see what he could do.  At first, he thought a week should cover it, but has now found that it to be a bit more challenging than he expected.  None-the-less, when I stopped at  the firehouse to drop something off to my FF, I had a package waiting for me. (Poor jealous fireman - I get mail at the firehouse all the time and he does not.)  I got my first two graphic biographies from my favorite Lt. - an absolutely wonderful addition to our library.  My heart was humbled (there that is again - no other word really covers it) and at the same time, filled with pride.  These are indeed my people. They make sure our city's kids have coats for the winter and books in their classrooms.

Donations have continued to come in from Facebook.  My family, Facebook friends (even those I made through Sorority Life, who'd a thunk it!) and real life friends have made this come to life.

My heart...

I truly have no words. And I am not often speechless.  

In two weeks time, my friends and family have helped my raise over $1250.  I have only $157 to go and I know that will come soon enough.

With all of the bad press that comes from the fire world - foolish shenanigans of late, budget crisis issues, shopping on shift, etc - I cannot say anything other than I am truly loved and supported by, as well as blessed to be part of this world.

I am in a new school of strangers, still figuring things out and the fire world is right here with me, making sure I have the tools I need to make my crusade come to fruition.  There is no line item in any budget to bring this to life and yet, here it is.

Love and gratitude to you all.

Christmas Has Come Early for the Fireman

3:43 am - on a Saturday?  Ugh...

School has just started...I have eight WHOLE days under my belt at my current high school.  My hubby is reminding me that the fact that I have a class of 34 with 17 special ed - 5 EBD, 1 Autistic, 1 CD and a mix of OHI/SLD (sorry for the teacher alphabet soup...just means I have my work cut out for me) working peacefully after having a few subs for the first few weeks of school is a feat in and of itself.  Or the fact that another class of 34 only has 6 boys in it and I have not had an eruption o' cattiness is a moment to be grateful.  He is very good at perspective.  We are nearly a month into school and instead of letting me beat myself up over what I have not accomplished that I expected to accomplish, he is reminding me of that fact that I came into a tough spot and they are learning.  Learning how to function, learning that I may be little in stature, but that is the only thing little about me.  Learning that there is more out there than what they have seen thus far.  My fireman is great for just that purpose.  

Yesterday was our open house.  We are a tough school in an awesome neighborhood.  I have parents at the kids' (the muppets') school literally bombarding me with questions about the high school.  They so, want their kids to walk to school and many of these parents are alum.  It is not there yet.  I have an 8th grader that will not be coming to school with me next year.  But...maybe my 6th grader.  And that is an honest of an answer as I can give.  It is not unusual for staff to go out after these events - open house, conferences, the day ends in y, etc., and we did last night - to an old pump station on the river that has been converted to a bar.  You really can't see the fire department inside anymore.  Most people would probably not even really know, aside from the plaque at the front.  But, I am keenly aware of the fact that the fire world is all around us.

More so as we speak.  

My FF just came off of a 48.  I was just laying in bed listening to him breathe, thinking about how much I have missed him the last week.  Football and this pesky thing called work, ate up so much of our time and then you throw that 48 in there...and I feel like I haven't seen him in forever.  Night time is dangerous for me.  I have a brain that doesn't stop and often wakes me up - with ideas, with dreams, with fears.  Maybe it is because it is so horribly damaged, but it never turns off.

Especially tonight.

It seems like I was just fussing about med school...studying the different drugs with him, their side effects and contraindications...and now I find myself almost missing that.  He is heading to the other side of the bay in just a few shifts.  The engine will be his new home.  And while we were out with my new work family, that was what was on my mind.  As I was chit chatting and watching him interact with my new staff, I was thinking about the conversations we had on the way over - his engine is second in on a lot of good fires - their location in a neighborhood of one-way streets slows them down a bit.  A lot of their vacants have also already been burned down, causing the house that was rocking 5 years ago, to be just a bit quieter today.  And while we were having these conversations, you could just hear the excitement in his voice.  He is going to be back on an engine.  

And I need to resolve that within myself.

I know he will still come home to me, probably.  I know that he has an awesome crew.  I know he will be happy to not have 20+ call shifts quite so regularly and he will be happy to get a few more Zzzzzzzzzs in.  I know he will be happy to eat dinner warm once in a while.  I know this is why he came on the job.  He joined the department to be a firefighter.  Being a "firemedic" as D calls him, was an unseen turn on his map.  I know all of this. 

And I know that even though everyone comes home, sometimes they don't.  I know that all will be well.  But, for tonight, I need to let my brain just turn off.

Enjoyed the conversations of the night with my new staff last night, I enjoyed running into an old friend (that I totally did not see because she was holding a golden puppy - I only saw the little ball of fluff), I enjoyed the laughter of the new friends who are probably going through my millions of pictures on Facebook this weekend, I will enjoy my son's night game tonight and I really enjoy the new class that I am teaching.  All this chaotic activity in my brain will win out and these quiet fears will be filed away where they belong.  But for now, I am allowing myself to be human, with all of the human fears and failings.  It is okay that I let myself worry, it is okay that my classroom is not perfect yet.  I am allowing myself to not be superhuman...and I will wander back into the bedroom.  

Enjoy your weekend and your muppets.  Laugh with your firefighters and know that the crisp air of fall will soon be here. Enjoy that feeling of the seasons.  Enjoy the soccer and football and picking the apples.  It is the season, although, for my FF, hearing the official word that he is being moved to the Engine as soon as his replacement passes the National Registry, means that Christmas has come early this year...and he better put those liners back in his bunkers!

38 Was Beautiful

My birthday was this weekend...I am now 38.  OLD, I know.  When did that happen?  I have been with my FF for half of my life, now.  If you asked my half a lifetime ago, if I would be married, to a firefighter, with four kids - I would have most assuredly laughed in your face.  

And yet here I am.

And, if you would have told me that a shift day might actually make for a wonderful birthday - two years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and made a snarky comment.

And yet, it did.

Friday night was a date night with my hubby - Five Guys and a a movie, with a Cinnabon to close the day.

My actual birthday was a shift day.  He couldn't get off.  So, it was to be life as usual. 

After several leading questions about my schedule on my birthday, my FFW next door made an appointment for a pedicure at an amazing spa first thing in the morning.  Being a FFW, she knows dang well that there is always an excuse NOT to make the appointment required by a gift certificate.  I am horrible about it.  I have broken my husband's heart because I can't find the time.  But, I digress...

Anyway, the kids cleaned the house while I was at the spa AND decorated for me.  It was beautiful.  I still can't bring myself to take them down.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I love you more than the sun.
From my B boy....<3

Starbucks gave me a free venti hot cocoa, N's team won their game while the other three stooges played with their newly made friends on the playground, my dad took us out for pizza and my hubby stopped by at 10:30pm to make sure I didn't go to sleep without another happy birthday and a kiss.  BUT...the sound of the air brakes and the sight of the big red box at 10:30 at night MIGHT have given my girl next door a minor heart attack.  No worries, FFW have no issues calling FFs out for that, even when it is not their FF.  She made it known...

I don't need gifts.  We had cake the next day and yellow roses somehow appeared.  It was probably the best birthday I have had in quite some time.  The love that was showered upon me is worth more than anything that could be bought.  It was a weekend of love and blessings.  

38 is going to be a good year.  I look forward to seeing what it will bring me.

My Crew

Okay, Suicide Prevention Day, 9/11...those were a couple of heavy posts for me to take on.  Both of them really drained me after writing them.  Wow, when did I become so melodramatic, anyway...

I have another rather serious post tumbling around in my head, but I am leaving it there.  I am just not ready to tackle it, yet.  

So, instead, I am posting pics of my people.  My muppets and my fireman.  Begrudgingly, there are a few pictures of me in this mix as well.  I much prefer to HOLD the camera than be the subject of it. I just do not photgraph well.

They came out my FF's family pictures.  We have not had entire family pics done since N was a baby - 13 years or so.  It was time.

As I said on THtH's Facebook page, these muppets are our future.  Your children and grandchildren are our future. It is up to us to teach them, to raise them  in love and structure.  It our responsibility to teach them what responsibility looks like.  It us to teach them that every person is worthy of being treated with human dignity and respect, even if they don't really "deserve" it.  Kids live what they learn. 

These are the loves of my life.  

D was literally pulling my hair in back so tightly, it was pulling my whole head back.  Ugh...

Ewwwww

Where is that baby of mine??

Of Course I Know Her!

Today, is a day for prayer.  Not because it is a holy day or the Sabbath.  Simply because there are people desperately in need of our love and support.  But, I guess that makes everyday a day for prayer.  

Today, however, I am asking for your prayers, love, support, good juju, thoughts...I am asking that they be sent to a fire family so in need of them, most of us cannot even begin to understand.

Do I know the family, do I know the fire wife?  

Of course I know her.  She made sure the holidays were festive and full of love and joy, even if he was on shift that day.

Of course I know her.  I know the words to every prayer she sent up as he left for shift and every prayer she said as he walked back in the door.

Of course I know her.  I know how she held her breath when the news shared a fire or other "incident" in his area, looking for his helmet in the 12 seconds of footage shown.

Of course I know her.  I know how many trips she has made to the firehouse, with the kids in tow.  Trips to say hi to Daddy because he has been on shift for what seems like forever, and everyone misses him only to have the tones go off and get a quick kiss good-bye.

Of course I know her.  The first day of school and trick-or-treating and ER visits with that less than graceful child, seem to fall when she is holding down the fort alone.

Of course I know her.  I know how she must have held her breath when the knock on the door came, the one we all dread.


Of course I know her.  I know how she mourned with the families whose firefighters will never take another call again.

Of course I know her.  I know how she takes a step back when she begins to get frustrated and reminds herself to say, "Thank you" because her firefighter is still fighting his way back to her.

Of course I know her.  I know how she has spent all of these years making these as normal for her kids as possible and how she continues to do that even though their home is now so far away from home and her beloved claws his way back. 

Of course I know her...as intimately as every other fire wife...even though I have never met her.  We all live a fire wife's life.

There is indeed a larger family to be had when you begin life as a firefighter.  This adopted family is there for times of celebration, for times of crisis and everything in between.  She is indeed my sister.  Jacki Dowling and Capt. Bill Dowling of HFD are fighting this fight every day, together and with their faith, department and family.  He has suffered some serious complications in the last day or so.  It was such an amazing day when he was strong enough to be moved to the rehab facility from the hospital, I can only imagine the disappointment in the air now that these set backs have moved him back to the hospital. Not that two steps forward and three steps back is totally without precedent as survivors of such traumatic events claw their way back, it still does not alleviate the disappointment that Capt. Dowling's loved ones are feeling.  And it is because of that disappointment that they need the support of the greater fire family - the family that they will probably never meet - but still need the love and support of that family as we speak.

Photo courtesy of John Nanninga - HEO
Houston Fire Department Station 55

Take a moment to send your thoughts and prayers to this family and the entire Houston Fire Department as they continue down this path of healing - complete with the frustrations of the set backs and the celebrations of the successes that no one thought possible.  There is a family that truly needs the entire fire family to rally around them and I am asking each of you to do so.  The department has been there, I know many, many firewives have sent their thoughts and prayers.  Please keep them coming.

Hug those firefighters when they come in the door and say a prayer as they walk out of it.  

A moment...

Sometimes you just need to take one. 

I snapped at the kids this morning.  Like, scary, holy crap she's PISSED kind of a snap.  They quickly fell into line because I NEVER snap like that.  I try my damnedest not to.  But this morning, my frustration over my less than optimal teaching position this fall and the fact that 40 hour weeks have stolen another summer from us and that laundry is not done and life is not going the way I want it to go took over.  And I snapped.

My depression and frustration and loneliness took over, even it was just for a moment.  And I let it.  I probably should not have, I am much better control freak than that.  But I did.  

Then I got my eyes checked (exactly the same as they were 2 years ago - life is good for a girl whose "eyes are going to get worse" is she doesn't wear her glasses - just sayin') and cried the whole way there because I snapped at my kids.  Some thoughts popped into my brain that I eventually stashed away, that I really should not have let pop in.  Again, control freaks are in much better control than that.  I should be very disappointed in myself. 

I have the cleanest kitchen and dining room and bathroom.  D even started dusting the living room.   They moved very quickly while I was at the exam.

And then I asked them to go take care of their bedrooms - like they were originally asked to, and I felt that evil monster peeking over my shoulder.  So I left.  I ran to the store to pick up chicken for dinner and some milk for the babies, of whom I was fearful of destroying with my laser beam eyes. And I cried the whole way there. When I returned and D started to fuss because I picked up a Twix hoping that the chocolate would help boost my serotonin levels, I think I sent her a death look and she went back to her lunch, quietly.

You can tell it is bad when my FF had called TWICE by noon to check on me.  He never calls unless he needs something or he's bored.  Seeing as he is at a conference, chances are he is taking the time when he can, not because he is bored.  I must be on his radar.

I have abandoned them, in the bottomless abysses that comprise their sleeping quarters, and I didn't even tell them.  I left for my patio, with my phone and my laptop and my Nook.  I am listening to the Bruno Mars songs that I cannot usually listen to, seeing as I do try to shield the muppets from too many F-bombs. I am in the shade so as not to burn, but I could probably use the Vitamin D.   I took the polar bears with me, just to have them bark at Lt. Crabby Arse next door who is yelling at his kids and so they (the polar bears) yelled at him, as those kids are part of the flock they have come to protect.  I just took the drooly ringleader and threw him back in the house.  He was breaking my Bruno Mars peace with his barking protests.

I am figuring out dinner, trying to get as many people to the dinner table at the same time.  But Daddy's "normal" hours this week does not match up with football practice - with my electronics and caffeinated beverage du jour.  And they have found me.

I sent them back into the house, without a word on either end.

I am taking a moment.  I am in a self-imposed time out.  Just me, my electronics, my quiet tri-pawed polar guard and social media for distraction from my mind.  

My hero cape must in the mound o'laundry that my FF has promised he would do for me, cause I am not feeling it all today.  I am nobody's hero today.  Instead, I am a lonely, broken mom of 4, fire wife.

I'm taking a moment...

A Crystal Anniversary

It is hard to believe that I am old enough to have actually been married for 15 years.  Even harder to believe that we are closer than we were the day we got married.  But, we were babies when we  got married.  I had been out of school a year, he was about to start student teaching.  We spent the first few months of our married life living in two different cities.  I was staying with my dad and he was doing his student teaching where we went college.  We finally got to live together full time, when he found a place to student teach in the same city I was teaching in.  We loved spending time together. I am just amazed, every day, that he still does and hasn't got tired of me.

And here we are, clearly 15 years older and four muppets later.  But we are clearly in a very different place.  I was marrying an elementary school teacher.  It was just the two of us, ready to take on the world!

Four years later, we welcomed our second son into the world - on our anniversary.  (Which by the way, I called in February - never mind that he was due the middle of September.)  He was the best anniversary gift ever. And that adorable little guy, is now my happy go lucky about to enter 6th grade boy.  He is so gentle and kind and loving and giving. We are truly blessed to have been given him.  Well, aside from when he doesn't want to clean his room...

And now that 4th grade student teacher I married is a firefighter/paramedic.  Still teaching, but to a very different audience.  The two kids I agreed to has morphed into four muppets. The baby golden retriever we started with has turned into a pair of drooling polar bear pyrs. 

Life is clearly not what I had envisioned it to be.

But I would not have it any other way.

To my firefighter on our crystal anniversary (I did have to look that up, by the way), I love you more than ever.  Now, let's go celebrate with some Bay View Redcat Football practice and Despicable Me 2.  And somehow that all makes things seem crystal clear.

I wouldn't have it any other way!