Friday, November 19, 2010

No News is Good News...Right??

Jeff and I have an agreement to make contact once a day.  His nightly ritual involves making popcorn for the rest of his crew, working out, studying and waiting for the house to quiet down.  Ah, the life of a lowly Cub!  Usually he calls, right after I doze off, which is okay.  It takes me a bit to get back to sleep, but when I get to sleep, it is a restful sleep.  For the first time last night, my phone did not ring.  So, when I wake up at 1am and realize it - I am jolted awake.  Was there a fire that got out of hand - my firefighter is downtown, with the world of high rises, it could be.  Was is just a night of med call after med call after med call?  That is a very real possibility.  Did his battery on his cell phone die?  More than likely - this is the scenario.  But my mind has yet to shut off, and as much as I try, choice number 1 is running through my head.

So, I walk through the house.  There is a peace, that in a house of four kids, only comes in the wee hours of the night.  I talked Bear into staying in the bedroom, while I went up and checked, so as not to disrupt that peace for the sake of a secure escort.  The peaceful looks, the quiet, the light pushing through the blinds, and a peace comes over me.  Had there been some issue, I would have had a phone call or, worst case scenario there would be a knock at my door.  So, my mind is put to rest.  I realize that this is the life of a firefighter's wife.  Accepting the unknown just comes with the job description.  Mind you, it comes to me, this was not the job description at the time of that gorgeous  August afternoon 12 years ago.  And now I realize that this WAS part of the vows.  Supporting my firefighter's quest for happiness and fulfillment WAS part of the vows, and this is where that support comes in.  He was not finding that in the classroom.  Aptitude and skill do not guarantee happiness.  If a few sleepless nights, can offer that for him, so be it.  Luckily, I do not have school tomorrow, so when he comes home in the morning, I will be able to hear about his night and welcome him home, with open arms - literally.

A year of gratitude:
1)  FIRST TERM IS OVER!!!  I made peace with myself leaving the public schools, I ROCKED the first term where I knew NO ONE, had to create my curriculum out of thin air and am ready to take on the same challenges for second term.
2) PEACE - There is a peace tonight that I have not felt since 07/26/2010, perhaps it is true acceptance, perhaps it is the answer to my requests for help to get through this transition, but it is there.  It is a relief.
3) FAMILY - Dinner tomorrow, well tonight considering it is 0248, with my dad, brother and sister-in-law.  Saturday my dad is taking the boys to a Bucks game and my brother is taking the girls, so Jeff and I can go see Tonic Sol-Fa in Oshkosh.  It is nice.
4) MY DVR - Sounds silly, but it saves my sanity on sleepless nights such as tonight, by providing a distraction - an escape from reality.
5) THE HOLIDAYS - For the first time in years, I am excited for the holidays.  Ten years ago, I started mentally planning for my trees, village, gifts, etc - in July.  Then kids came and families started claiming their stakes, regardless of the needs of the babies.  I let it happen and I let it get to me.  Jeff is working Christmas Eve, the date is not important, the family gathering is.  I have accepted that and it has revitalized my holiday spirit.  It is a nice feeling.

PEACE!
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