Showers Make it All Better

I woke up from a dream this morning.  One that I am not willing to discuss with you or anyone else at this moment in time.  But, one that got me up far too early on this Sunday morning.

And the wheels started turning.  It was like a surreal picture show.  Churches and funeral homes. A dad taking off the hat of a student of mine who had been killed to show his son what he thought happen to him, and I thought I would vomit right there at the sight of his mangled head.  I was 22. And one of my favorite kids of all time, such an amazing story...and his sheer gratitude because we came to his mom's funeral...and my tears because his family was in Chicago and that was where he had to go.  And the twin that I was so furious they were skipping my summer school class in the park across from my classroom window...I told them I did not want one of them to end up dead...and then it happened 8 months later after a birthday party gone wrong. And the student, who posted "NOOOOOOOOO" on Facebook...and knew at that instant who and what, but not how.  Too this day, I have not forgiven myself.  I must have known/seen/felt SOMETHING  because I knew what that flat, textual message on social media meant.  He was in my US and AP Euro classes - the only two he went to all day.  The only two classes he went to before he went into hiding to say his final good-byes.  The kids who stole a phone from a fellow teacher of mine, a friend of mine...and I was so mad at them.  And then we got the news over the summer that we had lost one of them.  The guilt... 

They all went through my head.  With soooo many more.  They did not stop.  I started sobbing.

And now there is one more image that my head is creating.

I had muted them for the day.  My muppets needed me.  My FF was taking his afternoon off to help some fellow firefighters through the atrocities that come with the bunker gear and I couldn't burden him anymore.  So, we smiled and bonded as a family.  We walked through the mall after a lovely late lunch.  I took care of my Whovian and bought D some earrings for variety.  We finished up O's Mickey Mouse beanie baby collection.  Replaced the boys' iPod chargers.  Came home and giggled about the day, while drinking the Starbucks I made him stop and get 2 minutes from home.

I snuggled into his arms, with a polar bear in the bend of my knees.

Norman Rockwell would have been proud.

then... then I left my bed in the wee hours of the morning...

I needed to cry and I needed him not to hear.

My FFW next door had a night of deaths at work in one of our ICUs.  It had hit her pretty hard. I wasn't going to burden her.

Death is everywhere.  

I will talk to him more.  It is what we do.  But, he goes on shift in just a bit.  He doesn't need to worry while he is on shift.  There is enough there that needs his focus.

This is the reality of urban education that Khodavhandi and Cradler left out of my preparation for teaching.  This is the reality of being married to a firefighter that they were very clear about at the first orientation meeting before the academy.  This is life.  Death comes at the most inconvenient of times.  

And so there are showers. 

Showers wash away so much more than the grime of our daily lives...showers make it all better...or at least tolerable for the time being.