Friday, February 21, 2014

Midnight Musings of a Fire Wife on Shift Night

I am sitting in the dark, alone in tears.  I was playing a mindless game of matching veggies and trying not to think, but it is not working.  And so, I write...

Urban education is the most rewarding occupation I can imagine.  I got a pair of mittens today from one of my success stories. I posted something on Facebook regarding the fact that I was on the hunt for mittens so late in the season because my Raynaud's was so bad I could not hold a glass with one hand - I did not have enough fingers with proper blood flow on one hand.  I needed two.  To hold a glass.

So, today at work, there was a package from her in my mailbox, and in that unexpected package was a pair of mittens and a note that had me in tears.   Just the most simple of notes.  But, it was a reminder of WHY I am doing this and driving myself insane.

This same morning, a kindergartner died in a fatal accident crossing the street.  He was a kindergartner at one of the K8s I taught at.  My heart mourns with them, and I have never met him.  To my friends and colleagues, I am so sorry.   Talking to my FF about it.  Talking to the FFW next door, whose FF went through THAT intersection moments before the crash.  I know it is part of their world.  I. Just. Hate. Death.

And then you find out that you have lost one of yours.  All in the same day.  

He was 25 by now.  Not the same as losing a baby like my coworkers did, but no less heart wrenching when he was one of your own.  And the family has already gone through so much.  And then suicide, no less.  

I tried talking to my FF about it.  And he was almost indifferent. I suppose that comes with the territory.

But I AM NOT A FIREFIGHTER.  I am a teacher.  And with that title comes the title of Mom, nurse, counselor, confidant, mentor, tutor...they are a part of MY WORLD.  I have buried 18 kids and have not lost one since 2009 that I know of...but I was not ready for number 19.

I am a fixer by nature.  What can I do?  How can I help?  What do you need?  That is how I am wired.

I CAN'T FIX DEATH!  And it frustrates me to no end.

And, so I sit in the dark, in tears.  Wiping my eyes and nose on his academy sweatshirt.  Listening to B talk in his sleep in the living room.  He will be up walking soon, I can tell.  I just placed a series of obstacles to keep him inside in case I doze and don't hear him.  I am trying to process and compartmentalize.  Put everything in the proper box.  After all, I have to get to my committee meeting in the morning and make the Crusades exciting.  And I am SUCKING at it royally. NOTHING IS FITTING IN ITS BOX!

My nose is as raw as my heart. And I am sleeping with those mittens and no one gets to judge.

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