Saturdays

I used to think that Saturdays were for the fun things in life. Turns out, it is actually for the stuff you can't squish into the M-F game.  

So, how have I been spending my Saturdays?  Cramming more stuff in.  Getting more kids through their requirements. Bonding with teachers and family and polar bears and life in general.  It is insane and I am most certain that I will crash soon.  However, the beauty and laughter that I am surrounding myself with at every turn.  The kids that will pass my class and get that all empowering diploma make it that amazing. I wouldn't do things any different.  The disappointment in one of my high schoolers eyes when I said I would NOT be here next Saturday because I had to tend to my oldest daughter's American Girl dreams, was actually quite powerful. It made me feel like all this insanity is worth it.

One more hour and then we have my mother-in-law's birthday party up north, some cleaning to do for D's birthday party tomorrow and a WHOLE lot of work for me to do for school!  I'll get there.

Enjoy your weekend.  Love on those firemen!  Snuggle with the muppets.  Take a moment to look for the beauty that surrounds you.  You might be amazed at what you see.

Happy, Happy, Happy

Okay, I know I got that song stuck in your head.  We all loved it when it first came on the air, but now, through overplay and attaching it to ABC GMA commericals, we are I am most certainly done with it.

But, maybe I should not be.  Maybe instead of singing Let It Go and Do You Wanna Build a Snowman in various adaptations, I should walk around singing Happy.  Since Mother's Day I have been on a bit of a high.  And it is all about just embracing the little things. It is accepting your failures and building from there.  It is using each day as a lesson for the next.  Cheesy, but really where I am.

I am looking at what to do with my Fridays in school next year.  We are continuing with the Service Learning, but I would like to build in a character building aspect.  My kids really need training in how to be polite and respectful and handle themselves among themselves.  I was looking for, what I called, "How to Not Be a Jerkface All the Time" training programs and I found 8 Keys to Excellence and I like what they are putting out there.

One of the key (pun totally intended) tenets to this program is 

and I totally love it.  

Yup, that sucked.  What can you take from it and where can you go from here? 

It is really rather empowering when you just embrace it and move on.  Another moment for me to practice what I preach.  

Chaos - http://www.henderson-art.co.uk/art-detail.php?id=chaos

Insanity is this week - 2 more days of the school week, with a shift day tomorrow and subbing jobs for the fireman on both ends.  My mil's birthday party is Saturday and D's is Sunday.  The boys have a million things to do after school - 8th grade memorial things and robotics competition prep. And my house looks like a Laundromat vomited all over it.  I keep moving the laundry baskets I am avoiding from my living room to my bed and back again.  We are looking at buying new living room furniture - kids and dogs have taken their toll on what we have right now and I can't make it look nice anymore. I have a stack of papers to grade that is reaching toward the heavens and I am unsure as to when I will get to those. My perfect life that so many people seem to perceive that I live, looks more like a random state of chaos and confusion at every turn.  I am okay with that, it is my confusion.

And yet, with all of this insanity, I am amazingly calm.

If my laundry doesn't get put away by the party day, I'll close my bedroom door.  I will get to those papers, even if it is not tonight.  The new furniture will be amazing and will lead to lovely nights of giggles, frights and snuggles.  

I am in an amazing state of contentment.  It is kinda weird.  But I am indeed kinda weird, so I guess I'll just have to embrace it.

A Giggle for the Day

My FF and I could not stop giggling this morning.  It was a video that the silly fireman was watching as opposed to hounding my muppets to get moving and it drew me in.

The poor kid, this is his 15 minutes (literally) of fame.  I hope he knows that he also has brought quite a bit of joy, because we have all had those moments. 

I hope it brings a smile to your grey day.  

Mother's Day Blues

It was a beautiful day.  My husband cantered for mass and I so miss hearing him sing.  I could not have asked for a more perfect day for him to sing. The kids and I brought up the gifts for communion.  No Sunday School.  A lovely brunch at the kids' favorite breakfast spot.  We came back home and they got my patio set up - a new table cloth, the canopy for the gazebo, the lights we strung the night before.  My hunny did most of the laundry folding, but I pitched in so it would not eat him (there were a million BAZILLION LOADS). The boys put the laundry away for the muppets.  And generally we all just enjoyed the beautiful weather until the storms came through.  My hubby bought me an Eiffel Tower to replace the one that was stolen last year and has already concocted a plan to keep it in place. (That was after he bought me new cushions for the patio set yesterday, since I live out there all summer long.)  I was definitely the spoiled girl of the weekend.

And...he has a PO today while NOT subbing or picking up OT.  

I almost called in.  Just so we could spend another day together. 

Almost...

I feel like we have been ships passing in the night and yesterday reminded me of how much I actually love being with this guy.  I love watching the kids and laughing at their shenanigans.

I didn't want yesterday to end.

But, alas, it is gone.  A memory of the recent past. Far too soon it will join the collection of "remember when" stories.  And I am back at school.  Mother's Day is a nice reminder that we are loved, even though we still have much work to do with those who love us.  Today, is a reminder that I have more kids to be a mom to, beyond those that share my DNA.  And so, here I am.  We are in the home stretch and I am going to take them through, kicking and screaming, to the summer.

Happy Monday! Happy Belated Mother's Day, Mommas!

Say What You Need to Say

We all know that I don't have a filter that works well.  If I can't quickly think of a politically correct way to say something, I usually just don't say anything.  I often blurt out brainstorming ideas, before I have thought them through.  Sometimes that is out of excitement.  Sometimes it is because I need to get it out, before it gets lost in the abyss that is found in the damaged short term memory sector of my fried brain...never to be seen again.

Some (though very few) people totally get it.  Most others I offend quickly and they don't stay in my life long.  They don't appreciate/like/understand my blunt, straight forward nature.  Sometimes they just don't know how to talk to me.  My FF reminds me regularly that I am an intimidating figure, because I am so forthright. 

I bounce things off of my husband, he is my filter.  He understands that my brain believes that sugar coating is for cookies and that sometimes he needs to help me add that aspect to my verbiage.  He brings humanity (and sometimes compassion) to my technical brain.  I am not wired like anyone else - literally.  The damage was so severe at such a young age, that my skills and components are in different parts of my brain than other people.  I don't always fit in.

Some days I feel as though I don't fit anywhere and there is just aren't enough people that either understand me or accept me just as I am. That perhaps the greater good that I am trying to reach out and achieve is just not feasible.  That perhaps, just maybe, I should stay in my little portion of the universe and spend more time enjoying my muppets and less time trying to save the world.  My kids, my husband, my world.  They know my flaws and accept me as I am.  Perhaps, that safety net is where I need to stay.  Perhaps, I am not meant for the bigger portion of the world.  

Not everyone is as bold as me.  I know that.  Not everyone knows that I can be addressed on anything, because I respect that you say what you need to say.  Instead of asking what I meant in my moment of excitement, people spoke with other people and I offended more people.

When all I tried to do was a mend a few bridges and possibly make sure that someone would possibly feel less alone, when life causes them feel totally alone - it blew up in my face.  I was being straight forward in my thinking and sharing it...and suddenly there was an explosion.  Suddenly, I was not thinking of others.  Suddenly, I had hurt everyone's feelings.  Suddenly I had no idea how I had offended so many people so quickly, when I shared one idea after a 5 minute phone call, in the literal moment before my next class came in. 

Suddenly, I realized that I am not a creature that belongs with her own kind...because there is no such thing.  I am weird.  I am different.  I am not like anyone else.  My brain is damaged.  There are images to prove it.  It does not work the same way as everyone else's.  And the rest of the world does not always accept that I am not like anyone else.  No matter how hard I try.  I will never be like everyone else.

It is a bit of an isolating epiphany.

Maybe it is NOT better to say too much.  Perhaps, it is better to truly say nothing at all.