Women in the Fire Service

This is a topic that comes up over and over and over and over.  Hydrant Girl just addressed it in her latest post.  We discuss nearly monthly on the fire wife boards. It is clearly a big issue in the fire world and is eating at the heart and soul of some of the wives.

It drives me insane.  And it is such a short journey, I should save the gas and walk.  This discussion is one of my pet peeves.

Perhaps it is because I did not marry a firefighter, but an elementary teacher.  That, my friends, is a different world.  Mind you, they don't do over nights together, but some of those ladies (and I use that term lightly) don't quite understand boundaries.  Claws come out and it is not always a pretty picture.  I think I was scarred the first time a judged a science fair.  Coming from a secondary setting, which leans more towards a male demographic, this was my first snarky encounter with teachers.  And it did not really get better from there.

But in the fire department, the women fight a big enough battle every day to prove they are just as strong as their male counterparts. In some cases, they have to worry about the male reactions to their presence.  There is enough on their plate without volunteering to bring drama into their world.

So when I read women on the boards calling the female ffs "hose hoes" and "badge bunnies" it makes my stomach turn.  When it goes to name calling and the slut word gets tossed around, I usually end up saying something that gets me in trouble.  I don't understand.  The world frowns enough upon strong women, we (as women) don't need to add to it.  We (as women) need to build each other up, rather than viewing each other as competition.  The world does enough to break us down - look at the media - why make it worse?  Instead we need to build each other up, our confidence and our souls.  My husband works with two females on a regular basis, and it has never crossed my mind to worry.

As I have discussed this with other firewives, I have discovered that one thing that a lot of women overlook and/or don't want to discuss, if your husband becomes involved with a female co-worker, your husband CHOOSE to get involved with her.  It takes two to tango.  There is always a choice.  And that my friends, means there is something more serious that needs to be addressed within your marriage.  Not a judgement, just an observation.  Your FF has to be strong enough to tell her to knock it off if she comes on to him.  We as women do it all the time.  I got hit on at the grocery store, really odd.  But I had no issues telling him I did not sail down that river of divorce that he did and have a nice day.  Awkward, yes.  I'll never see him again, yes.  But women don't like being shot down.  If your FF is clear with his boundaries, she'll back off.

I'm not saying that there are not women who don't respect the boundaries of a co-worker's marriage, because clearly there are.  But, for the most part they are there for the same reason that your FF is - love of the fire world and serving the people who need them most.  

Now, the volunteer world, I can't speak for that at all.  I have heard stories about girls hanging out at the firehouse just because, throwing themselves at the FFs.  But I have no actual experience.  My hubby said the firehouse where he grew up, no one hung out there.  But, there was no POC.  Where my husband is now stationed, good luck with that.  You get there and the tones go off - every time.   So I can't really wrap my head around this.

http://www.etsy.com/market/Firefighter_T_Shirts?ref=listing_tag

My pearls of wisdom for the day, trust your firefighter.  Have an honest to goodness heart to heart chat with him if you cannot reconcile your fears, jealousy or apprehension within yourself.  Remember the vows that you took - forsaking all others.  You come first.  He comes first.  Trust your FF.  That is the biggest compliment you could give him.

Hey, Jealousy

Yup, I feel it rearing its ugly head.  J's year-on party is tonight. It is a glorious celebration.  The class of 07-26-10 has survived their Cub year.  And that was hard for J.  He is at a house of cave men.  Where most of the other Cubs were let off of some of their cubbie duties, the Cubs at 2s were not.  They were still doing housework all day, still banned from the TV, still expected to speak only when spoken to at dinner.  They were never released from that bondage the way their classmates were, unless they were at another house.  That was especially hard for my hubby.  He is older than his peers.  He is the proverbial nice guy, who took it personally when he was sworn at or called out on something silly.  And yet, he made it.  Now he can nap when he wants to, he does not have to clean 6 bathrooms by himself (joys of being at HQ), he does not have to miss Packer games because they fall on his shift.  He made it. He survived. It deserves to be recognized.  

J more than earned this year on party.  BUT, no spouses allowed.  It is their official welcoming into the "brotherhood."  Which I understand.  BUT, it is also the biggest gala night of the year for my school.  Our auction.  This auction brings in hundreds of thousands of dollars for our school. This auction allows us to keep tuition affordable.  I can't go.  All of my babysitters are going to be performing/serving/working at said auction.  Last year I went - with my dad - because it fell on a frickin' Blue shift.  This year, I just can't go.  No sitter, no date, no auction. It sucks. Once again, my life gets put on hold for the fire life.

But, I also survived this first year.  I moved my classroom, by myself.  I got all the kids to their new school, by myself.  I did Thanksgiving and BOTH days of Christmas, by myself. I survived hospitalizations of kids and packing up a house - by myself.  And yet there is no recognition or acknowledgement,  no celebration.  I don't need it, I guess. I just need a break.  My hubby was awesome and took the kids to his parents last week so I could grade papers.  That was a break, but really, grading papers is nothing fun.  It is work. 

It stings.  Once again, I am left behind.  I love my kids, but I would love a night to be a grown up.  I want to be part of this fire world.  J  was a Cub, he was kept at arm's length away.  J is not a party animal and is content to stay home and watch TV.  I am not, I need social interaction.  I have given most of that up.  And I am jealous that he has this night.  It sucks.  I am not proud and I have been trying to dismiss it from my head.  Luckily, I had the retreats to distract me, but now all I have is laundry.  J seems to get sick whenever I have something planned with other adults - it never fails.  Two weeks ago we were supposed to go  to Six Flags with another couple.  My dad was taking the kids.  I got free tickets.  I had it all worked out.  That morning, I knew it.  He woke up with whatever it was and it was gone the next day.  His graduation party - TWICE I cancelled it because he was sick.  Same thing with holidays, he is always sick or working.  Wish I knew what it was. I need people.  He doesn't and yet HE gets to go out, leave me with the kids and stay out late.  I am here - alone.  Tomorrow, he has to have a quiet house so he can study for a big exam on Monday.  So, I will be taking the kids to my dad's.  He also has a study group for said exam, which means yet again, I am get to do bath time and bed time alone. When he is on his 24/48s, it is okay.  As long as he is not silly and trading a ton of days and leaving me with 6 48s in one month, it is okay.   But this sucks.  I also know that it is made worse because of his paramedic classes.  Once again, he is a kid.  I need to make sure his laundry and homework are done and his lunch is packed.  But still - it sucks.

I am trying, I am trying...

I am just hoping he does not get sick for the Christmas Party.