Women in the Fire Service

This is a topic that comes up over and over and over and over.  Hydrant Girl just addressed it in her latest post.  We discuss nearly monthly on the fire wife boards. It is clearly a big issue in the fire world and is eating at the heart and soul of some of the wives.

It drives me insane.  And it is such a short journey, I should save the gas and walk.  This discussion is one of my pet peeves.

Perhaps it is because I did not marry a firefighter, but an elementary teacher.  That, my friends, is a different world.  Mind you, they don't do over nights together, but some of those ladies (and I use that term lightly) don't quite understand boundaries.  Claws come out and it is not always a pretty picture.  I think I was scarred the first time a judged a science fair.  Coming from a secondary setting, which leans more towards a male demographic, this was my first snarky encounter with teachers.  And it did not really get better from there.

But in the fire department, the women fight a big enough battle every day to prove they are just as strong as their male counterparts. In some cases, they have to worry about the male reactions to their presence.  There is enough on their plate without volunteering to bring drama into their world.

So when I read women on the boards calling the female ffs "hose hoes" and "badge bunnies" it makes my stomach turn.  When it goes to name calling and the slut word gets tossed around, I usually end up saying something that gets me in trouble.  I don't understand.  The world frowns enough upon strong women, we (as women) don't need to add to it.  We (as women) need to build each other up, rather than viewing each other as competition.  The world does enough to break us down - look at the media - why make it worse?  Instead we need to build each other up, our confidence and our souls.  My husband works with two females on a regular basis, and it has never crossed my mind to worry.

As I have discussed this with other firewives, I have discovered that one thing that a lot of women overlook and/or don't want to discuss, if your husband becomes involved with a female co-worker, your husband CHOOSE to get involved with her.  It takes two to tango.  There is always a choice.  And that my friends, means there is something more serious that needs to be addressed within your marriage.  Not a judgement, just an observation.  Your FF has to be strong enough to tell her to knock it off if she comes on to him.  We as women do it all the time.  I got hit on at the grocery store, really odd.  But I had no issues telling him I did not sail down that river of divorce that he did and have a nice day.  Awkward, yes.  I'll never see him again, yes.  But women don't like being shot down.  If your FF is clear with his boundaries, she'll back off.

I'm not saying that there are not women who don't respect the boundaries of a co-worker's marriage, because clearly there are.  But, for the most part they are there for the same reason that your FF is - love of the fire world and serving the people who need them most.  

Now, the volunteer world, I can't speak for that at all.  I have heard stories about girls hanging out at the firehouse just because, throwing themselves at the FFs.  But I have no actual experience.  My hubby said the firehouse where he grew up, no one hung out there.  But, there was no POC.  Where my husband is now stationed, good luck with that.  You get there and the tones go off - every time.   So I can't really wrap my head around this.

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My pearls of wisdom for the day, trust your firefighter.  Have an honest to goodness heart to heart chat with him if you cannot reconcile your fears, jealousy or apprehension within yourself.  Remember the vows that you took - forsaking all others.  You come first.  He comes first.  Trust your FF.  That is the biggest compliment you could give him.

The Fire Family

I am indeed blessed.  I love my husband.  I love my job.  I love my kids.  I am even so lucky to have a fire family right next door - on the same shift.  It is like having a built in support network when there was a gas explosion that left two of our guys - including a BC - severally injured and we weren't sure where ours were. Or the Temple Shooting when she called me from the hospital she was working at to ask if J was okay and I was totally OBLIVIOUS to what had happened. Or when there has just been an insane shift on the home front, we will take the others' kids so that they have a few minutes to run errands or to just breathe without having a little person all up in your grill.  Makes life so much easier.

I have found much solace in other fire wives, because they get it.  Some have been amazing and I have met through this blog.  Others I met through Facebook. I am part a few fire wives groups on Facebook.  Some of the conversations are making me feel old.   I am seeing a bit of a generation gap with some of the younger wives and girlfriends and stay out of those conversations and tune out of those pages.  But every once in a while there is a conversation that I jump in on.  The one this weekend was women in the firehouse. 

All of the insecurities of a new wife and girlfriend were rearing their ugly head and it was really bothering me. I was married to an elementary school teacher for all those years.  Talk about a shark tank.  That was not my favorite environment and I know for a fact there were teachers that did not understand where the boundaries were.  I would trade the firehouse ANY day for that world.  But nonetheless, it comes down to trust.  You have to trust your firefighter.  There are women in EVERY field that will ignore that little hunk o'gold on your husband's left hand, so you can't lump all female FFs into that category.  If you are feeling uncomfortable, you need to have a heart to heart with not only your FF, but also yourself.  There are only 2 reasons to be jealous - because your FF is stepping out (or thinking about) on you (and that is on him, just as much as the other women/FF) or you insecure with where you are.  If it is the latter, you really need to work on what you are unhappy with about yourself and either make them better or accept yourself.  I will never have legs up to there or a rack that gets noticed when I walk in the room.  Just a fact of life.  If you are not comfortable with yourself, that lack of confidence is what everyone will see and it will indeed cloud your perspective.

Later in this thread, another firewife said she was jealous of the time spent there.  They get to eat with him and spend time with him, when she is coveting that time.  This, I TOTALLY get.  We miss them.  On my end, I think I was more jealous OF my FF.  He gets breaks from the kids and adult conversation and quiet time to sleep when we are at school.  But to be jealous of the time that they spend with other firefighters, DON'T BE.  It may literally be what saves their lives.  That is the one thing we cannot let eat us from the inside.  It truly is a fire family.  Not always pretty, but it is your FF's other family.  Just like FF's cousin Ed drives you insane, you will not like all the FFs and Meds your FF works with, but you have to accept them as the Fire Family that they are.

Here is exactly what I told her:

Take the time to get to know the FFs your FF works with.  Take the kids in and drop off cookies or invite them over for a football game.  That is your firefighter's family, which makes them yours.

Kiss your firefighters and hug your kids, I am getting of my soapbox and into my Packer gear.  NFL season is upon us.  GO PACK GO!