A Calling

Ever just feel it tugging at you and no matter how you try and dismiss it, you still  feel that draw.  You try and ignore it and focus on where you are "supposed" to be focusing your energy, but you lose focus.  This is probably how my husband felt all those years.  Afraid to talk to me about the fire service, but still feeling that pull.  I'm glad he got the nerve up to have that chat, and even more thankful that I was open to it.

That is where I am right now.  

TORN.

Torn between doing what is responsible for providing for my family and what I feel a true calling.

Torn between doing what is expected and where I see a VERY REAL need.

Torn between my head and my heart.

TORN...

But, aren't we all.  


Anyway, speaking of callings.  My hubby's worlds have collided.  He is teaching a wellness in-service and planning another for the next couple of weeks. (I'm still anxious for life to go back to normal and for him to be on shift!)  And it is making a difference.  He is focusing on depression, substance abuse and suicide in the fire service.  If any of the FFs refer themselves to EAP it makes this effort a success.  Think of how many others will start talking to their families and thinking about where they are.  And that is all you can ask for.  So amazing to see my amazing teacher husband surface through all that bunker gear. 

So, maybe it is time to follow my own advice and follow the heartstrings.  Atlanta is just two days away - FlameFest 2013, here we come.  Those of you who are attending, I can't wait to meet you in person! Those of you who are not, hopefully next year! My hubby is packing up three of the muppets AND the polar bears and heading up to his parents house.  Crazy and insane, but such a good week coming up.  Wake me up Tuesday, I will probably sleep through Monday.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

I am a person with very vivid dreams.  Not necessarily meaning that I buy too much into dream interpretation.  I do believe that your dreams are your brain's method of filtering and sorting through your day, your hopes and your fears.  Perhaps they mean more than I give them credit for and perhaps they mean nothing.  But I seem to have a TON of them and many of them stick with me.

Lately, I have found that there are two main themes to the dreams that stick.  One is bowling.  I have my theories on that.  The other is my husband being killed on duty.  Clearly, when married to military, law enforcement or a fire personnel, it always in the back of your mind.  It is always a very real possibility.  But to have them keep popping up in your sub-conscious, I thought oh so peacefully sleeping brain gets tiresome.  Especially when it has been oh so frequently.

Last night was not one of those nights. My only interruption was an almost 5 year-old sneaking into bed with me at 3am.  And I was sleeping so well, I didn't argue, just let her snuggle.  Perhaps that was what let me go back to sleep. But, the other nights...AYE!

I haven't talked to my FF about it.  And I probably won't.  He knows that I worry and that is enough.  I don't need to add to his concerns.  AND I know he just read through my blog last shift, which means that by the time he returns it will be buried.

Anyway, several nights over the last week I have been awoken by dreams that dealt with my FF dying at work.  Last week I woke up curled up by the front door, with both dogs nosing.  Clearly I was sleep walking again and clearly they were concerned.

Sometimes the dream takes me to the funeral.  When I close my eyes I can clearly see the graveside ceremony and who is there.  I know I have dreamt about being at the hospital.  Everyone of theses stupid terrifying dreams involved that stupid knock at the door.  The other night it was #1 and one of the Battalion Chiefs from Battalion 1 and I refused to answer the door like a stubborn toddler.  They had our neighbor use her key and come through the back door  and I woke up as I started to shout at her, "NO! NO! NO!..." Another dream had complete strangers (in uniform) taking me to the hospital to watch in disbelief as he took his last breath.

I HATE waking up like that ~ especially when he is on shift and I cannot get a hold of him, nor do I really want to wake him up if he is actually sleeping.  I can console myself when he is home and all I have to do is turn over and know that is okay.  I am not a worrier, but this is starting to really get to me.

Peace to the Webster, NY Department...

But, dreams are just that...dreams.  Simply your mind sorting through things.  They are not real.  My firefighter will come home to me tomorrow.  So instead I should say a prayer of thanksgiving that I am one of the lucky ones.  To far too many people that knock on the door is reality, even though it may seem like a dream they just cannot wake up from.  Too many of our military have left loved ones behind.  And more recently senseless violence has taken police and firefighters from us far too soon.  

Let your kids know how much you love them and be sure to kiss your firefighter before the next shift begins.  Then say a prayer that they may come home safe and sound to you.