Lately, I have found that there are two main themes to the dreams that stick. One is bowling. I have my theories on that. The other is my husband being killed on duty. Clearly, when married to military, law enforcement or a fire personnel, it always in the back of your mind. It is always a very real possibility. But to have them keep popping up in your sub-conscious, I thought oh so peacefully sleeping brain gets tiresome. Especially when it has been oh so frequently.
Last night was not one of those nights. My only interruption was an almost 5 year-old sneaking into bed with me at 3am. And I was sleeping so well, I didn't argue, just let her snuggle. Perhaps that was what let me go back to sleep. But, the other nights...AYE!
I haven't talked to my FF about it. And I probably won't. He knows that I worry and that is enough. I don't need to add to his concerns. AND I know he just read through my blog last shift, which means that by the time he returns it will be buried.
Anyway, several nights over the last week I have been awoken by dreams that dealt with my FF dying at work. Last week I woke up curled up by the front door, with both dogs nosing. Clearly I was sleep walking again and clearly they were concerned.
Sometimes the dream takes me to the funeral. When I close my eyes I can clearly see the graveside ceremony and who is there. I know I have dreamt about being at the hospital. Everyone of theses stupid terrifying dreams involved that stupid knock at the door. The other night it was #1 and one of the Battalion Chiefs from Battalion 1 and I refused to answer the door like a stubborn toddler. They had our neighbor use her key and come through the back door and I woke up as I started to shout at her, "NO! NO! NO!..." Another dream had complete strangers (in uniform) taking me to the hospital to watch in disbelief as he took his last breath.
I HATE waking up like that ~ especially when he is on shift and I cannot get a hold of him, nor do I really want to wake him up if he is actually sleeping. I can console myself when he is home and all I have to do is turn over and know that is okay. I am not a worrier, but this is starting to really get to me.
|Peace to the Webster, NY Department...|
Let your kids know how much you love them and be sure to kiss your firefighter before the next shift begins. Then say a prayer that they may come home safe and sound to you.