Teaching

I love my job.  I love my school.  I think I have FINALLY landed where I am supposed to be.  But, after a while, the outside world gets to creeping in.

Teachers these days.

And then it gets to you.

Today is Friday.  Tomorrow is shift day/spend the whole morning in your classroom pretending you can get work done while the kids are there for three sets of swimming lessons day.  Sunday means that Monday comes and the insanity is back.

Maybe I just need sleep and a less hectic schedule.

BUT, today we are introducing a HUGE service project to my kids.  UWM and several community organizations are joining us.  Once that gets started, I am CERTAIN I will be back up on  top of the world.

Maybe I shoulda stopped at Starbucks on the way in...

Midnight Musings of a Fire Wife on Shift Night

I am sitting in the dark, alone in tears.  I was playing a mindless game of matching veggies and trying not to think, but it is not working.  And so, I write...

Urban education is the most rewarding occupation I can imagine.  I got a pair of mittens today from one of my success stories. I posted something on Facebook regarding the fact that I was on the hunt for mittens so late in the season because my Raynaud's was so bad I could not hold a glass with one hand - I did not have enough fingers with proper blood flow on one hand.  I needed two.  To hold a glass.

So, today at work, there was a package from her in my mailbox, and in that unexpected package was a pair of mittens and a note that had me in tears.   Just the most simple of notes.  But, it was a reminder of WHY I am doing this and driving myself insane.

This same morning, a kindergartner died in a fatal accident crossing the street.  He was a kindergartner at one of the K8s I taught at.  My heart mourns with them, and I have never met him.  To my friends and colleagues, I am so sorry.   Talking to my FF about it.  Talking to the FFW next door, whose FF went through THAT intersection moments before the crash.  I know it is part of their world.  I. Just. Hate. Death.

And then you find out that you have lost one of yours.  All in the same day.  

He was 25 by now.  Not the same as losing a baby like my coworkers did, but no less heart wrenching when he was one of your own.  And the family has already gone through so much.  And then suicide, no less.  

I tried talking to my FF about it.  And he was almost indifferent. I suppose that comes with the territory.

But I AM NOT A FIREFIGHTER.  I am a teacher.  And with that title comes the title of Mom, nurse, counselor, confidant, mentor, tutor...they are a part of MY WORLD.  I have buried 18 kids and have not lost one since 2009 that I know of...but I was not ready for number 19.

I am a fixer by nature.  What can I do?  How can I help?  What do you need?  That is how I am wired.

I CAN'T FIX DEATH!  And it frustrates me to no end.

And, so I sit in the dark, in tears.  Wiping my eyes and nose on his academy sweatshirt.  Listening to B talk in his sleep in the living room.  He will be up walking soon, I can tell.  I just placed a series of obstacles to keep him inside in case I doze and don't hear him.  I am trying to process and compartmentalize.  Put everything in the proper box.  After all, I have to get to my committee meeting in the morning and make the Crusades exciting.  And I am SUCKING at it royally. NOTHING IS FITTING IN ITS BOX!

My nose is as raw as my heart. And I am sleeping with those mittens and no one gets to judge.

Marriage and the Fire Service

When your spouse is a firefighter, you find yourself married to the fire service as well.  At a bare minimum, you are indeed married to their schedule.  Sometimes you are married to their crew as well, because they are indeed his other family.

This week has been an especially crazy week.  I had an IEP that took me out of 3 classes, I covered 2 other days during my prep hour.  I had a meeting with our community leaders regarding a HUGE community service project we are launching through my classes, in partnership with UWM and several community organizations.  And then there is chess and judo and the auxiliary meeting that I couldn't keep my eyes opne long enough to go to.  I also have to analyze data to find out why I am failing to meet the needs of  my children at work, which is stressful in and of itself.  We don't have a PO or Vacation day to come for weeks, yet.  The laundry is mounding, the dogs are missing their people and acting like wild animals and I can't sleep at night.

How does this all come back to the fire service?

Yesterday the agreement was that J would come up to my room when dropping the boys off for the chess meet at our school to grab some stuff (Which, btw, both boys did an AMAZING job with.  B won his match in like 15 moves and N found himself down very early on and FOUGHT his way back to a win after a near 2 hour match!)  He called me and said, "Meet me downstairs and bring your jacket."  

Mysterious.

I grumbled as I pulled myself away from my data, which was telling me that I was SUCH a horrible teacher.  Grumbled as I walked down to where his car was.  Greeted my boys and tossed them my classroom keys to stash their jackets and grumbled some more as I climbed through a snow bank to get over to the passenger side of the car.  

9 kids that are reading at or above level...sigh

He smiled oh so sweetly and brightly at my gnashing of teeth and said, "We're going to our bar and having dinner with the girls."  And I grumbled some more.

Until I realized that I was not going to be able to really see him for a bit.  We were definitely on a course for ships passing in the night. We would be parting ways after dinner so he could take the girls to judo.  I would most be drooling on myself upon their arrival back at the domicile.  I would get up and go to work in the morning.  Rush home and take all the kids to the family dance at their school (which my lovely FF has absolved me of!!  SO SWEET!).  Clean up after the dance because B is on the committee running it.  Toss everyone in the shower and into the PJs (The wiggly bodies, probably still a bit damp.) And then Saturday he is back on shift and I have a morning of swimming lessons and an afternoon of birthday parties.

This was our one shot.  

So we talked and laughed and ate the yummiest bar food ever.  

And then I kissed him goodbye when he dropped me back off.  Came up to my room of chess geeks and gnashed my teeth at the data...putting it away while they all told me about their matches and eagerly awaited the updates on N's match.

It was the needed interruption for my sanity.

The fire service rules your life.  Embrace it or don't, it will always be looming there, ready to steal family time from you.  So, you need to make family time where you can.  Even if it is with only half of your kids...having dinner at a local bar...for an hour.  We were together.  With this schedule and the kids' active lives, sometimes it seems as though we clearly don't get enough time.  So we need to take what we can get.

wow...amazing what 18mos. does!

A Pondering

I am sitting here, watching my students take their first final.  Their faces are all so serious.  They crammed and prepared and are ready...or are they. We reviewed, I bribed t hem with candy.  Study sessions over lunch and after school...taken advantage of by 6 of my 143 history.  Their values are so different than any other group I have worked with in the better part of two decades and I have absolutely no clue if they are truly prepared.  Or if they care. Or if I am making the slightest bit of difference.

I struggle getting them to write a paragraph, much less an essay.  They struggle expressing themselves properly verbally, much less in a written form.  I feel like I am in a no win situation.  I came in thinking I would have them analyzing historically significant pieces of literature and find myself dragging them through DBQs that we write together. 

My usual 100 question multiple choice is whittled down to 60.  My usual three full essay question exam down to five single paragraph short answer question.  They are working diligently and I hoping they see a glimmer of success.  This is 25% of their grade.  It is HUGE!  And I worry for them.  

My goal is to have them taste success - PASSING A FINAL EXAM!  And want more.  Develop a HUNGER for it.  To see that they CAN INDEED do it and want to move on from here.  Not look back and focus on past failures.  My goal is to make them want success and have them strive to reach it.

And I am nervous...

However, yesterday, I was graciously given a glimmer of hope.

One of my seniors came to me before class, last hour of the day and  nonchalantly  commented, "Don't know how you did in such a short time H, but everybody loves you.  Even kids you don't know."  And then he walked into my class.  Yah!  Uh-huh.  The same kids that are in my face because I am "forcing" it.  The same kid that walk by me day after day on their phones, with their hats on...uh-huh.  The same kids that I am fighting with to bring their book, a binder with paper and something to write with. Uh...okay.

But, clearly he sees something that I don't.  I can't even place the blame on the rose colored glasses of youth.  My boy has seen more than he even knows.  His PTSD has blessedly blocked most of it from being retrieved. 

And I am going to go with it.  I am going to accept that the change is there, even though I am not seeing it.  I am going to trust that I AM making a difference somewhere along this line.  Because this is the time of the year where I need that.  The media is telling me I am failing my kids.  The MAP scores are telling me I am failing my kids.  The kids are telling me I am the worst teacher ever.  Parents are telling me their child had straight As last year, so I am CLEARLY doing something wrong. 

That is hard to take.  

So, back I go to correcting these exams.  Wish me luck.  

The new semester is a fresh start for all of us!  

Teaching knows no boundaries...

I have been teaching for 13 years.  Being a high school teacher, my kids from work seem to grow up really fast. I have a few kids that have begun to look at fire fighting in recent years.  One is a senior and a member of MFD's Explorer post - funny to see him at the BIT this summer.  Another graduated a few years ago.  The second student graduated in 2008, I think.  He has been part of the Butler Fire department (a tiny Milwaukee suburb) since then, as a volunteer FF.  He found me on Facebook chat this morning.  I asked how classes were going, he was to be starting Firefighting II soon, and I got a shocking response - he doesn't want to go into firefighting anymore because it is not conducive to starting a family.

I thought that was very interesting.

I told him, that I saw his point.  I am not sure I would have dated/married a firefighter.  I married an elementary school teacher.  I told him it is hard on this side of the story and we chatted a bit. My student's discussion focused on the fact that I  found it hard, and our relationship had already developed that friendship base that would be necessary to get us through.  If that was true, how could he ever hope to find the right one and start a family.   Our discussion lightened up a bit after that, but it got me thinking.

How can I help him realize that it does not have to be either/or?  How do I help him to find that you can have a family and be a tremendous community asset as a firefighter?  Especially since I am struggling to find my place in this firefighting world. Perhaps it is not my place.  Perhaps he just needed someone to see that not everyone is cut out for this world and let him know that it is okay.  I don't know.  Did I drop the ball?  Should I have questioned him more to make sure that this was not the fears of a girl in his life derailing his goals?  I don't know.  I do know that firefighting may have just lost a wonderful member of the up and comers, and that is okay.  It is not a world for everyone.