You would think that I would have been thrilled with such a compliment, but instead, I felt ashamed. I am not put together. I am a mess. I have metl downs and yell more than I would like. I am impatient and snippy when I feel overwhelmed and under supported. I am stubborn and pigheaded when I feel that it was "someone else's job" to do something...and I refuse to do it. I am not perfect. I am horribly flawed.
Even as I am writing this blog, literally sitting down in my living room for the first time since 6:30am (It is 7:40pm...on a shift day.) I am sniping at my youngest in my head. Why, do you ask? Because she is asking about the Packer game while I am trying to type this post. Mind you. Her face time with me has been VERY limited this week. I have gone back to work. I was at work from 6:30am until 3:30pm. At Training Monday-Wednesday from 4pm-8pm. (Oh so IRONICALLY, it was training for teachers on relieving stress through breathing.) Today, I had the most stressful training for a gradebook that I have ever experienced...and got nothing done that I needed to get so I am ready on Tuesday. From there I grabbed the three youngest muppets...the oldest was at football practice...having to bike because I was at work...and take D to my dad's so he could take her judo. We ran to Target because my polar bears had NO food in the house, picked up N from practice twenty after seven. And I am home.
So, snippiness, driving through rush hour after dropping off D. (Mind you, this is after driving nearly an hour to make the 25 minute drive there.) B and O were singing as loud as possibly and clapping, horribly off-beat, to And All the People Said Amen by Matt Maher. And I snapped at them.
Yup. Epic. Failure.
I snapped at my kids because the Spirit moved them.
But, my stress level was stronger than I was.
The people driving recklessly in the parking lot formerly known as I-94 and the two syllabi I have yet to finish writing and the picnics that we need to attend and host even though I am SO not ready for that first day and I have so much to do. I need to pick up fabric for a table in my room and my hubby has to help me mount my map bracket and I need make 200 copies of syllabi and print out rosters and...
I am missing that part.
And because I am missing that part, I am missing out on the joy that my people bring just because the song that moved their soul came on. Because I have let life consume me. I have given up control to stress and life is now controlling me.
So not a happy place for a control freak to find herself.
I am going to leave you know. As my muppets are enjoying the Packer game...and I am trying to set up my last prep in my grade book. It only has 6 pages of standards. And each standard needs to have 3 pieces of evidence. And...I am trying so hard not to be an epic failure. I am a FireWife and I am Fire Strong.
Just not today.