Monday, August 4, 2014

48s Then and Now

At one point he was gone soo much,
they wanted to make him a welcome home sign!
My first 48 nearly killed me.  And for the next year or two they were a point of contention.  The kids were miserable, I was not confident enough in myself too handle everything by myself. And everything that could go wrong, did. And...I guess...it was just not what I had envisioned.  It was not what I had prepared myself for.

Now, totally different story.  Things will still go wrong, because it is a 48.  And I do find myself with a grumpy instant response when he asks about a 48,  even though there is no need for that.

But, I enjoy the time without him.  I am not sure if that is bad, but I enjoy my time and not feeling guilty about watching what I want or working on this blog or watching Doctor Who with the muppets.  I enjoy not having to be quiet when I wake up.  I have even learned to enjoy having the whole bed to myself.  
I was making the bed...emphasis on was...
If you would have asked me about that four years ago, I would have laughed...and then cried.  I would have gone into my room and cried because I felt like such a failure.  Like I had let the universe down because I was not adjusting to this new life with a seamless transition.  Instead, it is more like a learning experience.  I learned what I could handle - which is more than I thought possible.  I learned that I can say no, and if the world doesn't like it, they can either accept it or take the next exit.  I am still working on implementing this, but I am better at it than I was.  I learned that I can enjoy the candles in my bedroom and the calm that they bring, with my Nook and a drink, even when he is gone.  And that it is okay.  I have learned that laundry can wait until he is home to help and I can teach my girls how to through a football and baseball and skateboard, without feeling like I am stepping on his territory.  I have learned to embrace these 48s.  This is my time to be me. To me mom.  To enjoy the perks of being a firewife.

I did not marry and firefighter.  Many local firewives giggle at this blog and my FD t-shirts that I have accumulated through photography and social media...and firewife friendships.  But all of this has helped me to reach this place of contentment.  I have accepted that I may just be an introverted extrovert...that needs this time alone.  And that is okay.

Tomorrow he comes home from his 48.  Last night he was on the box and ran all day and all night.  Tonight he is actually at the engine he is assigned to, weird, really. My girls are at my in-laws and boys and I are bonding.  Life is good.

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