Tuesday, August 20, 2013

A moment...

Sometimes you just need to take one. 

I snapped at the kids this morning.  Like, scary, holy crap she's PISSED kind of a snap.  They quickly fell into line because I NEVER snap like that.  I try my damnedest not to.  But this morning, my frustration over my less than optimal teaching position this fall and the fact that 40 hour weeks have stolen another summer from us and that laundry is not done and life is not going the way I want it to go took over.  And I snapped.

My depression and frustration and loneliness took over, even it was just for a moment.  And I let it.  I probably should not have, I am much better control freak than that.  But I did.  

Then I got my eyes checked (exactly the same as they were 2 years ago - life is good for a girl whose "eyes are going to get worse" is she doesn't wear her glasses - just sayin') and cried the whole way there because I snapped at my kids.  Some thoughts popped into my brain that I eventually stashed away, that I really should not have let pop in.  Again, control freaks are in much better control than that.  I should be very disappointed in myself. 

I have the cleanest kitchen and dining room and bathroom.  D even started dusting the living room.   They moved very quickly while I was at the exam.

And then I asked them to go take care of their bedrooms - like they were originally asked to, and I felt that evil monster peeking over my shoulder.  So I left.  I ran to the store to pick up chicken for dinner and some milk for the babies, of whom I was fearful of destroying with my laser beam eyes. And I cried the whole way there. When I returned and D started to fuss because I picked up a Twix hoping that the chocolate would help boost my serotonin levels, I think I sent her a death look and she went back to her lunch, quietly.

You can tell it is bad when my FF had called TWICE by noon to check on me.  He never calls unless he needs something or he's bored.  Seeing as he is at a conference, chances are he is taking the time when he can, not because he is bored.  I must be on his radar.

I have abandoned them, in the bottomless abysses that comprise their sleeping quarters, and I didn't even tell them.  I left for my patio, with my phone and my laptop and my Nook.  I am listening to the Bruno Mars songs that I cannot usually listen to, seeing as I do try to shield the muppets from too many F-bombs. I am in the shade so as not to burn, but I could probably use the Vitamin D.   I took the polar bears with me, just to have them bark at Lt. Crabby Arse next door who is yelling at his kids and so they (the polar bears) yelled at him, as those kids are part of the flock they have come to protect.  I just took the drooly ringleader and threw him back in the house.  He was breaking my Bruno Mars peace with his barking protests.

I am figuring out dinner, trying to get as many people to the dinner table at the same time.  But Daddy's "normal" hours this week does not match up with football practice - with my electronics and caffeinated beverage du jour.  And they have found me.

I sent them back into the house, without a word on either end.

I am taking a moment.  I am in a self-imposed time out.  Just me, my electronics, my quiet tri-pawed polar guard and social media for distraction from my mind.  

My hero cape must in the mound o'laundry that my FF has promised he would do for me, cause I am not feeling it all today.  I am nobody's hero today.  Instead, I am a lonely, broken mom of 4, fire wife.

I'm taking a moment...
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