School has just started...I have eight WHOLE days under my belt at my current high school. My hubby is reminding me that the fact that I have a class of 34 with 17 special ed - 5 EBD, 1 Autistic, 1 CD and a mix of OHI/SLD (sorry for the teacher alphabet soup...just means I have my work cut out for me) working peacefully after having a few subs for the first few weeks of school is a feat in and of itself. Or the fact that another class of 34 only has 6 boys in it and I have not had an eruption o' cattiness is a moment to be grateful. He is very good at perspective. We are nearly a month into school and instead of letting me beat myself up over what I have not accomplished that I expected to accomplish, he is reminding me of that fact that I came into a tough spot and they are learning. Learning how to function, learning that I may be little in stature, but that is the only thing little about me. Learning that there is more out there than what they have seen thus far. My fireman is great for just that purpose.
Yesterday was our open house. We are a tough school in an awesome neighborhood. I have parents at the kids' (the muppets') school literally bombarding me with questions about the high school. They so, want their kids to walk to school and many of these parents are alum. It is not there yet. I have an 8th grader that will not be coming to school with me next year. But...maybe my 6th grader. And that is an honest of an answer as I can give. It is not unusual for staff to go out after these events - open house, conferences, the day ends in y, etc., and we did last night - to an old pump station on the river that has been converted to a bar. You really can't see the fire department inside anymore. Most people would probably not even really know, aside from the plaque at the front. But, I am keenly aware of the fact that the fire world is all around us.
More so as we speak.
My FF just came off of a 48. I was just laying in bed listening to him breathe, thinking about how much I have missed him the last week. Football and this pesky thing called work, ate up so much of our time and then you throw that 48 in there...and I feel like I haven't seen him in forever. Night time is dangerous for me. I have a brain that doesn't stop and often wakes me up - with ideas, with dreams, with fears. Maybe it is because it is so horribly damaged, but it never turns off.
Especially tonight.
It seems like I was just fussing about med school...studying the different drugs with him, their side effects and contraindications...and now I find myself almost missing that. He is heading to the other side of the bay in just a few shifts. The engine will be his new home. And while we were out with my new work family, that was what was on my mind. As I was chit chatting and watching him interact with my new staff, I was thinking about the conversations we had on the way over - his engine is second in on a lot of good fires - their location in a neighborhood of one-way streets slows them down a bit. A lot of their vacants have also already been burned down, causing the house that was rocking 5 years ago, to be just a bit quieter today. And while we were having these conversations, you could just hear the excitement in his voice. He is going to be back on an engine.
And I need to resolve that within myself.
I know he will still come home to me, probably. I know that he has an awesome crew. I know he will be happy to not have 20+ call shifts quite so regularly and he will be happy to get a few more Zzzzzzzzzs in. I know he will be happy to eat dinner warm once in a while. I know this is why he came on the job. He joined the department to be a firefighter. Being a "firemedic" as D calls him, was an unseen turn on his map. I know all of this.
And I know that even though everyone comes home, sometimes they don't. I know that all will be well. But, for tonight, I need to let my brain just turn off.
Enjoyed the conversations of the night with my new staff last night, I enjoyed running into an old friend (that I totally did not see because she was holding a golden puppy - I only saw the little ball of fluff), I enjoyed the laughter of the new friends who are probably going through my millions of pictures on Facebook this weekend, I will enjoy my son's night game tonight and I really enjoy the new class that I am teaching. All this chaotic activity in my brain will win out and these quiet fears will be filed away where they belong. But for now, I am allowing myself to be human, with all of the human fears and failings. It is okay that I let myself worry, it is okay that my classroom is not perfect yet. I am allowing myself to not be superhuman...and I will wander back into the bedroom. Enjoy your weekend and your muppets. Laugh with your firefighters and know that the crisp air of fall will soon be here. Enjoy that feeling of the seasons. Enjoy the soccer and football and picking the apples. It is the season, although, for my FF, hearing the official word that he is being moved to the Engine as soon as his replacement passes the National Registry, means that Christmas has come early this year...and he better put those liners back in his bunkers!
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