The Fire Wife Grinch

I was inspired by an amazing sister fire wife and her guest post here, to share my first Christmas married to a Fire Fighter.  Another Fire Wife was miserable about the holiday season.  I was going to send her a link to my first Christmas in this world.  I was certain that I blogged about it.  But, I did not.  I was SO mad, I bottled it all up.

It was 2010.  My kids were 10 - 2.  It was my first year teaching in the school I am currently teaching.  He had been out of the academy for 7 weeks by Christmas.  Talk about baptism by fire.  I knew our world was going to be turned upside down - the academy taught me that.  14 weeks of him being gone from 6:30am to 7 pm M-F, Saturdays being spent at the BIT washing his turnout gear and studying where there were no children - a luxury I was VERY jealous of, as I graded 100+ research papers with four children in my hair who missed their Daddy, terribly.  14 weeks of an exhausted recruit who used to be my husband passing out in his books taught me that our life would never be the same.  Moving my classroom from our garage to my school two counties away - ALONE - with all four muppets in tow, taught me that our lives would never be the same.  

I KNEW our lives were forever changed by this shift in the universe.

But I didn't really learn until Christmas how our lives would never be the same.  And it was a HARD lesson to learn.  His first shift was Halloween.  And Halloween fell on a Sunday - which meant his first day of work as a firefighter, I learned what it meant to be a fire wife.  I had to take the kids Trick-or-Treating - ALONE.  It was O's first time going out.  The boys weren't old enough to totally go by themselves. No worries, we'll go in my dad's neighborhood.  We visited Daddy at the firehouse, where the Captain greeted us warmly and my FF rushed us out, so as not to embarrass him.  And I was grumpy.  Off to T-o-T we went.  I took everyone out, but then I had to drop the girls back at Grandpa's house as fatigue kicked in.  Eventually, I let the boys fly on their own.  My niece was with them and we figured if the three stooges stuck together, they would be fine.  And I made that decision on my own.  His first day on the job was my first holiday alone.  You would have thought I would have learned.  

Daddy's first shift, before he kicked us out - quickly.

I remember it so vividly - yeah, only two years ago, I know.  But you would be amazed at how much my Swiss Cheese wedge for a brain loses.  We celebrated with his family because he was scheduled to work Christmas Eve - which is their day.  I hate it when we celebrate early, truth be told.  Things feel forced and not everyone is happy about it.  So, we knew that would be "off". 

Actual picture from Christmas Eve that year.

None-the-less I tried, I really did.  I tried to make things "normal". The Muppets and I made cookies, we went and saw the Miller Brewery light show, we visited daddy at the firehouse, with our cookies in hand...until he rushed us out the door because his Cub FF self was afraid that we would get him in trouble.  I made breakfast for the guys, which my FF did not get to partake in because he brought a guy back to life - from the jail and then he got transferred   I finished the wrapping by myself.  I put together all the toys myself.  I played Santa by myself - which was no easy feat as my oldest was looking for a reason NOT to believe.  I did not make it to Midnight Mass - which made me VERY cranky.  I got no sleep.

The kids really are in this picture, I swear!

And then he Mandated. 

His number (486) came up and he had to work Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day.  Ironically, he actually got the day off - there were jovial times at the firehouse, only a few runs.  Movies were playing, he got out of housework for the holidays and dinner was made for him.  He actually wasn't too grumpy.  

Me??  

I got to fight with Skype so Daddy could be "with us" when we opened Christmas presents.  I got to be the one to steal the muppets from their new favorite toy so we could do the round robin of homes on Christmas Day.  I  got to haul the toys and kids who were so tired they were drooling on themselves back to the house.  ALONE.  I tried to rationalize it in my brain, as evidenced here, but it did not work.

And, I got to sleep alone, again.  Probably the worst part of the day.  I still wasn't used to that.

When J got home, I was frazzled.  He was tired.  And I needed to tell him how unhappy I was...but he went to sleep.  Being the Cub, he took watch.  Which meant that even though there weren't many runs, he still didn't get much sleep.  

And I had the four kids - alone - again.

And I CRIED!  I had the messiest melt down you can imagine.  

He looked at me and said, "What are you so angry about?  You got to celebrate Christmas with our family."

And, if my eyes could have literally thrown daggers, I would have been writing this post in an orange jumpsuit.  If looks could kill...

It wasn't a pretty argument.

And I felt so ALONE.  Alone in the marriage, alone in the world.  I was SO much older than the girls married to the guys in J's class.    And there is not much fraternization with the new guys.  I hadn't made friends in this new world we were in.  Many of our teacher friends weren't sure where we fit in anymore.  My husband was asleep.

I was all ALONE.  Even if it was only in my mind.   

This year, the stars aligned.  A FF from J's class was desperate to have off NYE, J asked what I thought.  I flippantly told him sure, he'll take Christmas Eve for you.  It will never happen...but it did. So, my FF is home for both days. And the ironic part is that I would have been totally okay doing it alone.  Because now I am not alone.  We live next to another Fire Family - which is a blessing beyond all blessings.  So when things go stupid wrong, I just go next door.  When I need another set of hands, she is right there.  I have a fire wife in Texas on speed dial.  She and I are friends because her husband took pity on what he saw on this blog, ironically enough.  From the Christmas time shenanigans mentioned above, actually.  It is the friendships that I have made because of my husband's vocation (for him, the truest sense of the word) that has allowed me to make sense of this world.  Of missed holidays and birthdays.  Of Christmas Concerts and school programs - alone.  Maybe I had to go through  that first year of misery to find that I was strong enough, with the right support network.  And I was never alone. Who knows.

The founder of firefighterwife.com, reached out and
was amazing.  You are never alone in this world.

Just know that if you are married to this crazy fire world, you are never alone.  You will have to take your traditions and make them your own, not anyone else's.  You will have to learn to ignore the date on the calendar.  And you will have to learn to stand on your own two feet.  We all know that if anything bad is going to happen, it will be when they are on shift.  But, you are never alone.


So, as we enter the day of celebrating.  Take a deep breath.  Remind yourself that if everything doesn't go as planned, it is okay.  And don't take your FF's head off as soon as he enters the door.  Guys, realize that Christmas is the most stressful time of the year and it is only compounded when your significant other is thrown into the depths of single motherhood because you are at work.  Be patient and loving, even when they are having the messiest meltdown you have seen.  Your girl is still in there, she is just buried under all of the comments from friends and family, under the scotch tape and ribbon that got tangled in her hair, under the layer of chocolate she had to scrape off your kids' faces.  Find her and love her.  She needs the extra pampering to remind her that this is the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

Merry Christmas!  Hug your FFs tight, take some mistletoe with you to the firehouse.  Remind your muppets that this season is not about the gifts under the tree, but the joy and love we bring to the world.  Hug them tight as they are probably missing the FF just as much as we are.

Tradition

Okay, a musical about Jewish family, even when performed by Legos, really has nothing to do with the post, but it popped into my head when I typed in the title.  I went to YouTube to play it while I wrote and I found this and fell in LOVE.  Even if you don't share my love of Broadway, you might still appreciate the work that went into it.

So, as we are making our way toward the holiday, I am counting down the days of school left, just like the kids.  I am so excited to get to the holidays.  I am looking forward to it in so many ways!

As we enter into the season, I am hoping to make some traditions that my people will pass on to their people, as I have passed on some that were passed on to me from my family.

We started the Elf on the Shelf this year.  The kids LOVE him!  It makes for very motivated children getting up so early in the morning! I will probably buy 4 of them so that I can give them each one as they leave my nest.  It will tie them back to their childhood and make them smile.  

We do Christmas socks filled with little gifts and candy on Christmas morning.  I am certain that will get passed on.  They get to go through their socks while waiting for present time.  It makes it easier while waiting for Daddy to come home when he is on shift for Christmas Eve like this year.  I make a big breakfast and presents come after that.  Sometimes my Dad joins us, sometimes my Mom.  But, my french toast casserole only comes out twice a year and this is one of those times.  This year I am going to try using Challah bread. Mmmmm, I am so excited!  I also hope that if my kids aren't at my house for Christmas morning, they continue this with their family.

Grandpa Pat and my Baby Bear

We leave cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer, and in turn Santa leaves "snow" footprints.  I go to midnight mass, hopefully soon I won't have to go alone because J will be home and I can steal the older ones.  Or, J will be home and we can all go...once the girlies are old enough to go.  It will come.

There are never presents under the tree before Christmas morning.  No shaking and squishing to guess.  But the impact when you see all those presents on Christmas morning is worth it.

The kids are getting older. There has always been that AWE that comes with the sheer amount of gifts - big and small.  But as they get older, we are noticing that there are less presents.  So, I proposed a new tradition.  Once the muppets reach middle school and join the ranks of Santa's helpers, their gifts change as well.  I believe someone mentioned it was a Victorian tradition.  There are six gifts, something you want, something you wear, something you read, something you made, something you share and something to surprise you.  I think it is a cool idea.  And a practical way to pull the reins in on crazy spending.  I mentioned it to J and he pretty much "yes dear"ed me.  We'll chat again.  

My other hope is to add a tradition of giving.  Not the anonymous dropping off toys to the Toys for Tots.  As noble as it is, to actually put human faces to people in need of a pick me up makes it so much more real - actually giving where the kids see what the joy of giving looks like.  I'm looking for ideas for Christmas Eve, especially since FF is working. I really want them to take an experience and a humility with them into their lives.

So let me ask, what traditions do you have for Christmas?

Just Another Year

Whoa...I was a bit cranky last year.  I guess last year was rougher than I thought.  YIKES!!!  (NOT one of my finer moments!)  I am glad to have another year on, another year experience, our first year starting without diapers since Y2K when N was born, another year laughing at and loving my family, another year at the awesome school I teach at.  Just another year to thank God for!



So, our craziness is about to start.  Hanging out with Grandpa this afternoon, just because.  In-laws' house tomorrow (with a 2 1/2 hour drive both ways), sneaking it a midnight mass after we get back in town, Christmas morning here, later morning at my mom's side, afternoon at my dad's side and the Packer game later that night.  Yeah a Christmas with my firefighter!  BOTH DAYS!!!! Mark this year down!


Hubby has off from PM school on Monday, won't that be nice!



Enjoy your family, where ever they are and be safe.  Merry Christmas!