I have found much solace in other fire wives, because they get it. Some have been amazing and I have met through this blog. Others I met through Facebook. I am part a few fire wives groups on Facebook. Some of the conversations are making me feel old. I am seeing a bit of a generation gap with some of the younger wives and girlfriends and stay out of those conversations and tune out of those pages. But every once in a while there is a conversation that I jump in on. The one this weekend was women in the firehouse. All of the insecurities of a new wife and girlfriend were rearing their ugly head and it was really bothering me. I was married to an elementary school teacher for all those years. Talk about a shark tank. That was not my favorite environment and I know for a fact there were teachers that did not understand where the boundaries were. I would trade the firehouse ANY day for that world. But nonetheless, it comes down to trust. You have to trust your firefighter. There are women in EVERY field that will ignore that little hunk o'gold on your husband's left hand, so you can't lump all female FFs into that category. If you are feeling uncomfortable, you need to have a heart to heart with not only your FF, but also yourself. There are only 2 reasons to be jealous - because your FF is stepping out (or thinking about) on you (and that is on him, just as much as the other women/FF) or you insecure with where you are. If it is the latter, you really need to work on what you are unhappy with about yourself and either make them better or accept yourself. I will never have legs up to there or a rack that gets noticed when I walk in the room. Just a fact of life. If you are not comfortable with yourself, that lack of confidence is what everyone will see and it will indeed cloud your perspective.
Later in this thread, another firewife said she was jealous of the time spent there. They get to eat with him and spend time with him, when she is coveting that time. This, I TOTALLY get. We miss them. On my end, I think I was more jealous OF my FF. He gets breaks from the kids and adult conversation and quiet time to sleep when we are at school. But to be jealous of the time that they spend with other firefighters, DON'T BE. It may literally be what saves their lives. That is the one thing we cannot let eat us from the inside. It truly is a fire family. Not always pretty, but it is your FF's other family. Just like FF's cousin Ed drives you insane, you will not like all the FFs and Meds your FF works with, but you have to accept them as the Fire Family that they are.
Here is exactly what I told her:
Take the time to get to know the FFs your FF works with. Take the kids in and drop off cookies or invite them over for a football game. That is your firefighter's family, which makes them yours.
Kiss your firefighters and hug your kids, I am getting of my soapbox and into my Packer gear. NFL season is upon us. GO PACK GO!
Beautifully written post and I am very glad this has been your experience. I genuinely hope this will continue to be your experience. :) I agree with the younger crowd coming from a different (frequently annoying) viewpoint....but I am forgiving of it, because I remember being that younger, less mature firewife and having felt what they feel. Age definitely adds a grace and understanding in a firewife and in life in general. I disagree with your views on females in the fire service, but thats because my experience as 10 + years as a firewife, has been different. I will also readily admit it is based on one single department and probably not indicative of females in the fire service as a whole. But you have to imagine the depth of emotion that happens in an adrenaline based call. That forms a connection, an emotional connection, that being on the outside...we can't always be a part of. I've seen that connection many times lead to something more between an FFs whose marriages I thought were as solid as could be. Again, this is my jaded perspective, not one I'm trying to sell you on. As far as the brotherhood... I used to believe and speak exactly what you did. Unfortunately, the magnitude of the tragedy we've dealt with and brother against brother it brought with it, have long since jaded me beyond redemption for the ideal you describe. I trust my FF, and my FF alone, to have the wisdom, experience, knowledge and training to avoid a situation that would make him have to depend on another FF. I've been called to the hospital more times than I care to count because he's fallen through floors, roofs, out windows and been attacked. And who saved him? He saved himself. He limped, crawled and dragged his own hinney out of each of those situations. His firefighting mentality does not include the "brotherhood". Because he knows...having been there, when it comes down to those life or death moments, the ugly truth is, your will to survive will override everything else and it becomes every man for himself. Please don't do yourself a disservice by putting the job on a pedestal. Believe me...it will cause you lots of heartache down the road if you do.
ReplyDeleteI read this at 3am, the first time through. I can only imagine life that you guys live, through what you have said. mind you, MFD is not all hearts and butterflies. There are jerks in every house. But I have not yet seen where they did not have each other's backs when came to work out in the field. We had good friends of ours almost write us off, because the FF did not pass our dept's pysch eval - he wasn't enough of a team player. I would hope that this will keep our FFs safe, but ther is no certainty in this world. Even the FD where I teach - I emailed a BC to find out how the shifts aligned for my med file, so the office knew what number to reach FF at (he never answers his cell when he is on shift). And they have gone out of their way to make sure everyone at the nearest house knows I am "family". I am far from naive. I realize what this life can do to families and relationships. I have seen the marriages destroyed by this life. We are battle tested and have learned how make this work. But, all of that aside, we (MFD) have not lost anyone since the Christmas Eve '94. We also lost a fire recruit in the 90s to a fall from a ladder, I believe. I could not find her information over lunch.
DeleteAs for the women. Female teachers nearly broke up our marriage. Claws came out when I came in. And there were 30+ in that building. I have no issues with the meds he works with, that is where most of the XXs end up. He is as dense as every other male when it comes to women hitting on him. I trust him and he is very open with just about everything.
As for this job being on the pedestal, not happening. I am learning to make this life my own. I love the time I have to myself. But being a single mom of 4 muppets, aside from the day to day annoyances of having to do soooo much of this alone, at any given time I could be doing this ALL alone. I am very aware of that. BUT, I still trust the guys he works with to bring him home to me. They have constant training and do really look out for each other, even with the personality differences that piss them off on a daily basis. Living next to another fire family, I have stopped rolling my eyes when they great each other with "Brother" and a hug. You and I both know that those pictures in their helmets will do more good than anything else when it comes to bringing them home, but I still trust the FFs he is with to make sure of it.